Work, Travel, and Other Indignanties of Late-Stage Capitalism
DerbyK suggested – in comment on the dissonance between my social skills and my understanding of their impact from the last The Screed – that I am sometime invisible not because of my own behavior but because of blind spots in others, or the inherently unpredictable nature of human emotion.
That’s true if course, and in part was what I was trying to communicate – that success in any social engineering is statistical and it’s not reasonable expect each individual attempt to meet all of my hopes. That my perception of success should take into account that I hardly know what I want, let alone how to get a specific individual to help me with it. And that in many cases there is literally nothing I can do beyond advertising my availability and demonstrating my own trust in you.
One of my goals though, is find ways to make myself a wider target. To step out from other people’s blind spots, or to help them see the space it occupies. That feels like I thing that I should be able to do, over time, with small gestures and patience honest vulnerability. It’s a thing I am doing and have succeeded at in more than a few ways. But it’s also a place where I’m still reluctant to expect from others the thing I want. Where I’m afraid that I risk long-term failure if I push even a tiny amount for short-term success. And I think there’s a better balance to be had there.
It’s also a thing where I’m asking for you help, to see me even when I don’t do a great job standing out. To understand that I want your attention on me — that I’m not staring at you in some form of criticism, or trying to pressure you into some change you’re not interested in making, but merely asking you to meet my gaze and share with me when our interests align. To believe that you have things to share in the first place*, which seems like an idea many of you don’t really believe, regardless of the safety or support that’s available to try it.
Talked to Cowboy the other day, about personal and professional sharing. You’re often one to reach out when I’m careful to express a specific request, and I really appreciate that. We’re sometimes on opposite sides of an understanding about my world (and me yours) but you’re always willing to reach out across that gap if I ask.
Dog goes back tomorrow. I think Shanda needs him more than I do. And I sort of hope it will make the household less isolated. But it’s sad not to have him at night, and I am so, so sick of the airport and getting up at stupid hours to accommodate travel. It was nice to see Shanda and Dog but I’m not sure I’d plan it again. Certainly not me going there and then them coming here the next day.
It’s still easy to imagine that Shanda’s recent push for distance is about my travel plans. Or about me being at home. And certainly those events were triggers for your anxieties. But I should remember it’s the same anxiety and same distance that comes when you’re nervous about when to eat supper, and so I shouldn’t attach my own anxiety to the specific circumstances. Your need to react better – to treat me better – but I should also try to keep perspective on the issue, and not let my abandonment issues dictate my own response.
Just like I should remember that M feeling like we only share about your challenges isn’t because I never share enough, or because I always apply too much pressure, but because sharing itself feels like pressure when it’s not a thing you’ve practiced. That while I can make improvements it’s not a thing I can do alone, nor one I even want to try that way, at least not anymore. So I don’t need to run away to Canada to keep Shanda safe from me, or to withdraw even further to keep my uncontrollable pressure off M. Instead I need your help in bridging the gap that makes that distance feel so necessary in the first place. I need your help to apply the safety we’ve built not just to crisis management but to your daily life.
It’s only Monday and I’m already sick of work. I’m not even on the queue this week but it still feels like I have 7 too many tasks. A couple of which feel like they’ll take more than a week by themselves. And there’s a fair bit to get done at home before I leave for Seattle, not more than I can get done but it’s very stressful with the uneven progress – it’s still difficult to get reliable coordination for tasks I literally cannot do alone, even short ones that don’t require leaving the house, let alone ventures to the rest of the world. But as we transition to a household I’m not running I do at least get to step back from daily management overhead to do only what I’m told (or at least only thing I’m asked to notice) which itself can be a great relief.
ZiB
*It’s easy for me to believe that this should happen automatically if I’m doing my part right, but that’s not really true. I think this is one of the places I need to better express my expectations and needs, which is what I’ve been working on in recent The Screeds. – I’m not trying to harp on the same point repeatedly, I’m trying to refine my technique as I figure out how to better support and connect with the people I care about.
I feel like I’m doing a decent job creating safety and doing my own sharing. And I always try to provide the help I can see is needed. But there’s a limit to how well that works – to how much I can do and how good you feel about it – without feedback. Which is why I’m saying I expect you to share. You don’t have to, but I think there would be benefits both of us if you did. I realize it can be difficult to get started, but it will never be easy without practice – with me or others – and I feel like I’ve created a pretty safe space for practice. So if you have shared less than one feeling** per month with me, or if that sharing was something you feel like I dragged out of you, maybe January is the month you’d like to change that dynamic.
**A low-risk place to start is just to react to something I share with you. Even one-line reactions count as sharing an emotion so long as you communicate enough for me to guess what that emotion is. Another straightforward option is to tell me about something that you did or experienced and how it affected you. I’m available by all manner of interactive and non-interactive comms, so pick whatever suits you.
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Sent from a phone.