Without the Hobbits It’s Just Travel

I’m back to Cleveland today. Just about the same time Dog gets back to my Seattle home. He’s safe and secure – Shanda is headed to fetch him right now – but didn’t get home quite in time for me to see him. I feel a little bad not driving up late last night to get him but it would have killed me today while I traveled, and taken away my last night with Shanda. So Dog will just have to wait until I’m home again. He’ll probably still love me. If he doesn’t I can always trick him again like I did the first time.

Shanda is taking some flak at work for only wanting to work full-time instead of endless overtime. It sounds hard but she’s taking it well. I feel like she’s finally secure enough in her own goals be okay with her employer disagreeing. I’m pretty sure you’re producing a huge amount of surplus value for them and has been for years, so they can suck it. I suspect that it won’t go anywhere though, now that she’s stood up to it a bit. In my experience just saying no is often all it takes. Either way I think you’re making the right call, choosing what you want instead if just accepting what is demanded of you.

I bet I’ll have to remind you to send that email about reframing the issue from competition with coworkers about bad work practices into generating value for the company – it’s the sort of thing you talk about and start and even finish but don’t send on the first try because you’re afraid of… maybe not having enough anxiety. It’s slightly unclear to me exactly why since you feel better afterwards, but I’m sure it’s hard to do.

I have lots of plans for this week, but I’m trying to understand them all in terms of establishing a sustainable daily life. I think most of the prerequisites are complete and this week is mostly normal life again. Or as normal as it can be at the moment. And some of that could be nice. Getting (closer to) enough sleep, going to the gym, owning groceries and a microwave, not having 30 catch up appointments. I’m looking forward to getting things squared away and having time to make real choices, including sometimes constructively relaxing.

Last time I made this trip I was having a hard time. With the underlying stress of the cause, with my near total lack of information, with the uncertainty of all the pieces that needed to happen in coming days. With all the triggers of my own well-known traumas, and a bunch of new ones my brain finally decided to let me know about.

But today I feel like I’m going home. Still away from Shanda, and still without Dog, but home nonetheless. Not to a place that gives me abandonment flashbacks, alone late at night, unsure if I’ll be welcome. But to a place where I feel like I’m useful, where my favorite pillow already waits, and where I’m pretty sure I would at least get a warning before I was unwelcome. It’s still tough for me to be confident that I’m not imposing myself, but I’m not quite so convinced that the safety I’m getting is somehow stolen from others, and that’s a great first step.

I poked Cowboy today, who reminds me that I speak in riddles when I address a broad audience. You’re right of course – it’s often intentional but I’m sure very limiting when you only see me through this channel. And I’m sure sort of a mess when I haven’t yet figured out what I’m sharing. So I sent a more straightforward summary of recent weeks, which I hope helps. I should be sure to loop back to catch up after things that disrupt my usual sharing. Or you could ask questions. I know it’s not the way most of you imagine this, but I feel like unprompted feedback might help you get more out of it.

DerbyK planned a future session of real-time comms with me, which is something almost unheard of in my life. It sort of feels like it’s not for me. But I’m pretty sure it’s part of the life I’m trying to build.

ZiB

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Sent from a phone.