Wednesday
I was considering the ever-evolving dynamics of Zach-Shanda relations, specifically the kind and amount of attention we pay each other, and how invisible my emotions can be to her. Which eventually revealed to me something I am misunderstanding – my threshold for when I feel like my emotions are overwhelming my behavior is when someone carefully observing me might be able to see my actual emotional state and not the one I choose to display as part of my intentional communication, should I consciously choose to have them differ.
Which is technically correct. That’s the point at which my emotions overcome my conscious will and change what I am doing whether I like it or not.
But that’s also insane. I shouldn’t feel out of control just because my emotional brain is running parts of my face. I put that bit of my brain in charge of my face on purpose to communicate efficiently and sincerely, almost the whole time I’m with or thinking about other people. The fact that it happens by reflex isn’t a failure, it’s a welcome relief. I’m rarely trying to mislead people these days and it’s silly to keep my brain optimized for a super specific survival skill that requires my conscious intervention in facial expressions. It would be so much easier to be a little more affixed to reality, and not quite so ready to isolate myself on no notice.
If I want people to notice what’s happening to me I could just let my brain show them. I am not required to worry that my current emotional state might be harmful to others merely by exposure*, even though I was advised to do so in the past. Also it’s possible a portion of my self control and general stress tolerance is being misspent on the theoretical option to lie about literally anything to everyone in my life 24/7 until they die. Just in case that becomes necessary again.
Talked at Dave about tacos. I’m not worried that he will suddenly realize I’m a terrible person — he already knows — so I don’t need tacos specifically. But I could still use some sustenance from him. He offered perhaps chimichangas, though he has yet to deliver any. I’m a big fan of fried food though; I once made Dave type it enough to never forget.
I’m pretty sure I’m gonna add DerbyK to the screed. I’m considering Cowboy and KTuck too, though I’m not as sure about them. I haven’t heard any reason not to, but I should probably not get too carried away with understanding silence as agreement in this context. Consent is important.
I got my mN bug submitted finally, after more than 2 weeks in review (but no changes requested). I’ve got to get tests scheduled (and passed) to be officially done with it, but it’s good progress. The S bug bounced back to me but I will not be thwarted by such things for long. Now it’s just the perf bug that’s keeping me down. That and the vulnerability handling training for India. “You are not training your replacements”, they say after laying off 30% of the last set of people who did training for India. I’m not worried about my job — I’d be fucking delighted to have 39 weeks of severance like the last batch — but I am plenty sick of being lied to for no reason.
Shanda is out with B tonight. But dog is being extra cute to make up for it. He got a new duck toy today and he knows how to make it squeak and he loves it and pets it and calls it George. He goes to find it before he settles down anywhere, so he can have it while it lies. See [fig 1] for an example of his adorable murder simulation.
Packaged delivery confirmed today. I was worried it would take weeks to get any feedback but it was quick. This was a triumph! I’m making a note here: Huge success. It’s hard to overstate my satisfaction.*** Spontaneous communication in response to a thing a did, and a little bit of appreciation that didn’t make me feel like a malicious fraud. So easily one of the best things I’ll do this week.
I’m teaching myself to do this [fig 2]. Because currently I’m terrible at it, and would like to be good enough that I’m not embarrassed by it. It wasn’t until after I did one that it occurred to me I would need to be ambidextrous; the left handed ones are not better. I still can’t handle length for all sorts of disgusting trauma reasons, but I can at least have color.
Took my office laptop home so I could have a computer to myself tomorrow. But it’s so bulky and hot I feel like I might as well just use the iMac when it’s available. When I was at the Apple store I looked at the newer MacBook Pros and their great tracts of high-density pixels. They’re lighter than this monstrosity, but that tiny 11”er makes me feel like I’m living in the future, even if it’s only one window at a time.
Here’s a weird problem to have: I gave a teenager my credit card but I can’t get them to use it. Not even to pay for obvious necessities. They say they fears being a burden, though I assure them they is not. I think perhaps they fear being dependent and the pain of unmet need the condition can bring — or the loss of control. But I don’t want control or dependence, I just want better equity, and if I’m lucky to share in the security I expect it to foster. Also how can I convince a 1%er that I can access to have this problem along with me, at least in terms of providing funding. Because he too should participate in my plan to redistribute wealth, at like a 99:1 ratio. Please phrase your answers in the form of a tax minimization strategy for maximum efficacy. So two weird problems.
ZiB
*Outside of market labor, obviously. Lying well enough to make people feel good about literally anything with no preparation and keeping up that lie by carefully handling all the consequences and communication until it becomes true is literally my most valuable commercial asset. It’s like caring for humans, in that I’m helping people manage their emotions, except in an environment that explicitly asks me to never care about humans. But they bribe me to put up with that inhuman demand, and I — being human — accept.
**Obviously my emotional state /is/ sometimes directly harmful to others. But I decided I’m mostly gonna make other people put up with it, rather than protecting them from it. If they want to live in a world where people don’t have lives like mine they should get to work building it.
***I’m not yet sure how I might use “Want You Gone” for future celebrations, but obviously I’m committed now.
