Wednesday
Today is a long day. Another attempt at getting the window fixed* and so disrupting the bedroom again first thing in the morning and being ready to accommodate workers whenever they show up. A presentation at work this afternoon – one that I’m not quite done with – and dog training until 9 PM. Plus some filler from people who don’t care that I was out for 2 days and some new bug that’s assigned to me because years ago I submitted a last minute fix to code that isn’t in use anymore. But if I can make it through today the rest of the week should be tolerable. And then my boss is out for 2 weeks, which should help keep my workload down.
Dog did a bit better at class today. He was able to do things other than just humping. And while he doesn’t love Shanda enough to come to her he will come to me now. I cheated and took a car up the hill so class went well for me too. I can probably handle 2 more.
Sat around this afternoon and felt weird about the idea of other people caring about things I like even if those things have no obvious utility. My feelings are pretty sure that knowing and caring what other people like – and assuming anyone else does the same – is a disease I acquired around age 4 that brought shame to Mother and is the reason she stopped loving me. The feels are confident that no one else is interested unless I offer them some incentive to put up with me, and that the burden of me caring about anything will eventually drive everyone away unless I can protect them from it.
By happenstance I was able to carve out an exemption to this rule for the sort of caring that produces observably useful outputs. I’ve used that interstate commerce clause to construct a life that lets me feel sufficiently useful doing things I like that I can admit to also liking them. So I have not been trapped entirely alone. But it sure is new to imagine that enlightened self-interest** isn’t the only factor that dictates someone’s concern for my preferences.
I of course developed a more accurate understanding of empathy eventually, and it has been a long time since I put anything into the same categories I used when I was 4. But the things people assume you learn about being a human before say age 10 are frequently things that I have never understood. And I know from experience that no one will explain even if you ask, or at least they wouldn’t explain it to me terms that didn’t use my abuse as an example of the ideal. I guess mostly they didn’t understand the question, or couldn’t be bothered to risk upsetting the patriarchy.
I recently assigned homework that involved imagining the importance of things from a purely selfish perspective – declaring importance itself a sharable attribute. I intended it to promote thinking not unlike this. Like all the best questions, I did not know what I was asking for.
ZiB
*Another failed attempt. No show no call. We have a backup backup appointment for Friday with another company. If that doesn’t work I’m going burn down the house so I don’t have to deal with it anymore.
**I know exactly what Ayn Rand was thinking and quite possibly why. It’s a terrifying place to live. I learned to lie to myself to get away, and imagine that I could guess what other people liked even if it wasn’t something that could be shared. Or later that I could teach people to share even if it wasn’t something broader society supported. I wish 4-year-old me understood the lie worked both ways, and that I was only living here in the first place because of careless lies from people who didn’t like me.
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Sent from a phone.
