Waiting: Anxiety’s Physical Manifestation

Dog is currently missing. Has been for a few days. Lots of waiting happening. And in a week with precious little time in it.

Dog was staying with Ben while Shanda and I were both away. Dog was intentionally released by Ben’s abusive landlord, who is _now_ very worried but was not sufficiently worried at the time and who continues to be not good at respect or genuine responsibility.

Dog has been spotted many times and seems to be doing okay on his own, but has not yet been recaptured. We were up there all day Tuesday with the hope of encountering him but he never showed himself to us. We are still waiting.

So that is happening at a volume of about 13.8 all day every day. Which is why I haven’t written to V* yet – or to any of you. It’s hard to write when I can’t actually relax, and actually relaxing is hard when your brain is yelling about how you will never see Dog again.

As part of my homework I promised to tell jokes on Monday and did – started with a terrible pun as setup and a made a callback later via improvised but insightful audience reference. Because all of life is an improve game, and like all improve games the points don’t matter so long as people enjoy the process.

But no one else assigned me homework at all. So I’ve assigned myself a task on your behalf – I will get contact information and an introduction for at least one and preferably two people that I could contact when I needed help to aid you remotely. I do what I can to maintain a network of people I can tap when I need legwork, but I cannot provide coverage everywhere. Luckily I don’t need to, because you already know people who would be happy to help me with this, and who could sometimes use my help themselves.

So you should all imagine the people in your daily lives that you could – that you already do – depend on to help you, and introduce them to me. We don’t have to be pen pals or anything, but we should both know about our mutual trust and interest in you, so we can help each other care for you.

I told you months ago I was building a social support network. This is it. It’s how I’m going to use my hypervigilant logistical preparedness to better support people I care about in their day to day lives. Not just with fire extinguishers and college funds but with ongoing, responsive personal assistance. And you’re all getting it for me for Christmas**. Thanks much. It’s exactly what I wanted – the ability to better share safety.

Other than Dog things are going well. I had been worried that the help M had been promised would not come to pass, but was relieved to learn that wasn’t true. You’re be been too busy with too many meetings – I’ve been too busy just scheduling them for you – but also getting lots done, and getting setup for continuing improvements in routine and self-care. And I feel like you’re finally able to exert the sort of influence needed to point where you specifically want to go, as opposed to struggling to tolerate whatever available thing seemed to be best aligned with your broad goals.

Talked with DerbyK about the visceral power of hip checking and the control available through letting go of things you don’t want. Watched you say nice things about me in a blog when all I did was not make you tea. I’m proud of you for demanding enough of others to notice when they aren’t providing it, and for doing something you’re terrified of in order to better get it.

Good times on the robot front as well. It was great to go back and see everyone. The team did more poorly than they expected last weekend and so was motivated to work. It’s slightly more intense than I think is necessary, but still generally good so long as no one feels too much pressure about it. I don’t care if we win at all, but I like to see people set and meet goals for themselves.

Talked to SJ about their own callsign change, and got a real answer*** for the first time. Even got updated lame excuses about why they can’t right now. V used the new context we share to give me some impromptu support in pressuring SJ in real time, which was an unexpected but very comforting and useful occurrence. SJ also shared their lunch with me, so I feel like I’m making real progress in terms of trust – tricking someone into providing care for you is always a useful step. It’s what dogs and babies do and everyone loves them.

Used the pressure of Dog and the context of a book about C-PTSD to talk to Shanda about abandonment and resentment and the way those keep us from each other, and from ourselves. I feel like it might work in a way it hasn’t before – with us able to talk about it together instead of just suffering it individually. Like I might be able to help instead of merely enduring. And maybe even to better get help when I need it.

Missing Cleveland more than I would have expected when I first went there a few weeks ago. Things were so unstable for so long that there was no way to feel like I was going to be able to settle into a sustainable life. Things are still plenty rough around the edges, but living in permanent housing for a week and moving forward from urgent reactivity to actual planning – even if the plans are still too busy – is a big improvement. I moved to Cleveland in part because I imagined it might help me understand how one builds a home, and I feel like that is happening in more ways that I knew were possible.

And 40 other things. About ornaments and leggings and breakfast and waiting and coordinating care. But let’s start with this and work back toward being able to write more easily before I worry about the rest. There is plenty in here already.

ZiB

*BC is changing callsigns. BC is now V. I wanted to make an Air Force One joke here but I couldn’t find one that works.

**Or I’m getting it for you? There’s no hierarchy here so transactional relationships are poorly defined. Which is sort of the point.

***As opposed to all the strictly non-answers I got before. Clearly it has been on their mind, and moved an inch forward, which is amazing. And by happenstance I know a great bit of media to share that directly coordinates the concept of identity as performance with anxiety as a barrier against an audience surrogate that shares their proposed callsign. Or at I think it does. I’ll have to watch it again to be sure.

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Sent from a phone.