Tuesday

Morning meetings. They get me to work early, but sometimes they make it hard to get the day’s work done. No real progress on the perf bug even though I was in the office for 4 hours already. I picked up a new F bug; should be easy to dispatch but it’s still a distraction from what I am I theory supposed to be doing as my #1 priority. I did knock out an SR today though, so Thursday me might have a slightly easier time.

Since yesterday I’ve been thinking about my own exercises in patience. Not so much in what I should do about them (though I’m always open to suggestions, if you’ve got a better one that “wait”), but about how I come to have them in the first place, and how I can tell if it’s a good idea both initially and as they continue. It’s a topic I found discussed more than a bit in the middle of Before They Are Hanged (Joe Abercrombie), which was a bit of a surprise to me. Maybe I’m just noticing because it’s already on my mind. Or maybe it’s on more minds than I assume.

You should be watching Casual (Hulu). It’s in Plex**. It will make you feel better about keeping things going even when life is too complicated to do the right thing. And about murdering your parents. And for me at least about the concept of sitcoms. It even finds a way to do away with the ridiculous notion of high school in season 2, which is pretty impressive for a “family” show.

Chatted with M today. Pictures and everything — it’s nice to see something they’re working on. Helps me feel like possibly the world isn’t exclusively falling apart. It also made me think* that I sort of miss the individually targeted composition. I’m glad I’ve started to The Screed, and I have largely kept the same tone and format — it’s still pure ego framed as a conversation with no one — but I am no longer thinking of exactly one person when I write it. I think it still works though; I am still imagining each reader, just not each of them for each and every component. I think I’m just wishing for more of the version where I don’t have to imagine both sides, and worried about the sort of things I know can make that harder to be the other side.

Still not feeling great today. Possibly better than yesterday, but still at energy level 0 which makes it hard to get anything done. But I am going to figure out how to turn the beeping back off on my microwave. They replaced my power meter this morning and knocked out power for the first time since we bought it — which feels weird to me because in Ankeny we used to blow the whole house on a regular basis, even beyond utility failures — and apparently it reverts to beep mode*** when you power cycle. I’m sure if I turn on the left blinker and open and close the door three times it will stop again, but I wish they would have just installed literally 1 bit of flash memory.

Melissa. It’s still happening. I can’t tell if it’s getting better. I don’t even really want to check, I just never want to think about it again. I talked myself into paying for a couple month of her insurance to help keep things stable as she gets started, but I think today was the last bill I can pay, and I am not up for supervising another LTD appeal. Also she offered to take care of my dog and that feels like a threat. I’m not even convinced that I could take care of Rev without Shanda’s help; I’m pretty sure Melissa would give him PSTD, a UTI and malnutrition in the first 2 days.

Talked with Shanda (and M) about making some wearable electronics for Rev. I’m not sure exactly what it does yet, but it’s got lights and sensors and makes the dog ready for any light-switch rave — Rev’s Raves. Maybe something that responds his breathing or head position or proximity to EDM. Shanda thinks the idea would be cool but she hates the idea of doing “projects” with me even for things she likes. I can do it without her but it would fun to do it with her, and I think the project would be better with her help. It would also be nice if we could share more of the things we built, because building things is often more valuable than merely having them. Plus I’m hoping B will help us make the underlying harness bits — 3D fabric work is not one of my strong suits, and they literally build costumes for a living.

Ben is still not fully online; I think I’m gonna have to go back there if just to give myself some piece of mind. Like many people I know know he only talks to me about 1/17th as much as would be useful, even for things where he does actively want my help, so it’s hard to tell what’s going on. But I want to be done with it, so he might just have to put up with me.

ZiB

*Or at least gave context to the thoughts I was chewing on about how I can be most useful to people when they need support but aren’t in the market for much directly help. And how I can make that part of my life most rewarding and least anxious. Or even how I can imagine it as a salve for anxiety and not a source thereof.

**Also someone should update the TV interface so I can have new shows and seasons. It’s probably not even that much work. Perhaps eventually I can find a weekend where I don’t have “catch up on work” scheduled for my productive time and also can muster the wherewithal to see the work as something I like and want.

***Beep mode is also the default mode in vi, and it’s not any more useful there. Imagine this as a joke about a sports ball rivalry if you don’t know what “vi” is.