Tricky Trapped Triggers

I had a real mixed day today. A year’s worth of feelings popped out early in the day and made me sob ¹Piercing fact: Crying makes my eyebrow piercing sore. Too much brow contraction. And probably too much face rubbing. for a while. I feel a little trapped in one particular aspect of my life, where something important to me still feels stuck more or less in its starting position after a long time of working at it and trying things to make it be different. Makes me feel like my options are to break my heart giving up something I love to protect myself, or to let myself be hurt to keep it.

In practice it’s not quite as dramatic – certainly not as urgent – as my feels this morning would suggest. But it is a thing I legit do not control, at least not outside those two extreme options. So rationally one of them is likely if I don’t get help, and my brain has a real hard time having hope about outside help. It’s a thing I need to be different than it has been because the last year has been so hard, and I guess it’s good to decide I can’t take it instead of just eatting it like I would have before. Instead of decided to just endure until something external changed.

It would help if in weren’t so ashamed to want things I don’t already have, or so ready to minimize my needs when others are involved. It would help if the situation didn’t start with a headlong leap into the middle of a complicated crisis. It would help if there weren’t so many old barriers – mine and others – dug into the path I want to walk. But if I weren’t who I am I couldn’t have gotten here in the first place, and I likely wouldn’t have the thing I’m so afraid to lose.

Talked with @BPS a fair deal the past couple of days, which feels really nice. Even got to integrate DerbyK a bit. Did the HA4H prompts and posted some art and got responses from @Vi and others, which has felt really nice. Got tacos and pictures which always help my mood. Got a story from J. Got my SRs squared away and all my email and paperwork done. Made plans with C. Almost made plans with DerbyK but like my day job and other bits that got crowded out today by my feels.

Tried to get Shanda’s help recovering. Mixed results. Better than many previous attempts but also triggered an interaction very similar to the one I was already feeling so hard, where I do something to screw up my request for attention and end up making the person I reach out to feel defensive. Where my need is overwhelming and makes what I want harder to get. We tried again later though, and it went a little better. So practice at least, if not strong success. It’s not safety yet, but it at least feels like movement.

And now to therapy, where I have no idea what I’ll talk about.

ZiB

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Sent from a phone.

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