Tokens of Security

I talked to both Pete and Mother in the past two days, neither of which was great. Pete wants to tell a story about how “he’s finally at a place in his life”… where he can help, and how he wants the good feels of thinking he’s helping. But he can’t really spare more than $3k-$4k of his $10M because he doesn’t want to end up “getting bumped into the next tax bracket”*. Also he wants me to know that for this to work I’ll need to manage Mother’s feelings because he’s done all he can just to talk to her about this in the first place, and he doesn’t want to risk her ire. Also he wants to do the rich-person “charity” thing where he throws a penance into the hat while buying himself a vacation and then wants the each of good poors he’s “helping” to individually appreciate him in person. I mean, what’s the point of charity if you can’t have the poor grovel at you for a while to remind you how good you are for being rich.

Mother is distinctly worse, particularly in how she doesn’t even imagine poors as good or bad so much as sub-human. She’s got the same “we couldn’t possibly give more” attitude about an amount of money that’s literally sitting around in her bank account and that she can’t even guess how to spend over the next several months**. Not dipping into her 1% hoard but just the petty cash she has on-hand. And on top of that she’s full of useful suggestions about why she shouldn’t have to participate in this even 2nd-hand, and how she wouldn’t have to if only other people would do the right thing by never asking her to think of anyone else.

But I think I’m going to get a check for $4k in the next couple of weeks, which is probably worth 3 phone calls. I should be more careful to line myself up for immediate support next round though, so I don’t have to sit on any of that nonsense for more than a few minutes. The call itself isn’t so bad because I’m prepared to protect myself and the actual content is irrelevant to me. But the act of protecting myself it itself very stressful, and I need to end it as soon as possible to minimize the harm.

Cranked on the appeal process a bit more today. Got some perspective from a school official, which will help tailor the arguments. The institution continues to view itself as a power player in the patriarchy and not, despite the language it uses, a community managed for the benefit of its current members. It’s still happy to treat the young people it serves as subordinate both to itself and to their historical parents and its personnel speak in that voice to dismiss the broader issue. But I think we induced a couple of new feelings in the person we spoke to, and that will help even if they aren’t directly making the decision. We at least made them feel like it is possible the institution isn’t doing what it claims to, rather than their previous self-righteous position that assumed we misunderstood the noble and blameless action of institutional policy. I still have no good guess about what our chances are, and it’s still clear that the process itself is intended to be unjust, but I’m gonna count it as progress. At the very least we got them to agree that the deadline is a bit further out, so we can have slightly more time to obtain and organize all the external documentation they require.

Talked with DerbyK about the way we define relationships, and how it’s easy to put space between our understanding and our actions. To question our own motives and forgive those of others. To imagine that not getting everything we hope for is evidence that we don’t deserve it. And in general about how we each should judge ourselves less harshly, particularly in the relationships where we feel most fragile.

There are many happy thoughts today. Things that are so happy they made Shanda cry second-hand.

M and I leased an apartment today. A place we both like and can move into immediately. We won’t own mattresses until Friday, and the heat and stove won’t work until Tuesday, but we took possession today and started moving things in. Then spent half the night figuring out what other things we were going to outfit the place with, how to obtain them, and what color the should be. I had only thought about furniture in a functional way, but it is lots of fun to participate in making your home nice***. It’s such a relief to imagine that you have a secure home under your own control, regardless of anything else that happens. I’m sorry that has

Last night I was so worried that I was forcing you to do something you didn’t really want, or that you would feel undercut if I planned for a longer term, but today I saw your reaction to having your own place and that all evaporated. I have never seen you so happy about anything. I have been trying to pack safety into emails and boxes and hoping it would ooze out at you. Turns out I should have got you evicted and sent a key because it made you tippy-tap like a dog expecting a walk. That makes my heart melt, and lets me believe that some of the things I hoped you might get from that key are actually things you wanted and got.

We also got to sit around tonight and interact like people who like and respect each other, which has been tough lately. Locked in rooms is a thing we both have lots of experience with and it’s so great to be relaxed and happy and energetic enough to accomplish something else. It feels like a long way from where I was last night. It is a long way from there, and I’m glad you could help me.

Talked to Shanda about travel plans. About making hers easier and about how my boss is twitchy about mine despite my complete lack of concern on the topic. It’s still early to make many firm plans, but I think we’ve got an outline that might vaguely represent reality. And we’ve got some ideas that could be really fun if they pan out.

Rev was sick today. And last night. Went to the vet and got some antibiotics that are supposed to work quickly (at least if the diagnosis is correct). Which is good because he basically can’t eat right now. I feel bad for him, but other than vomiting repeatedly he still seems in roughly the same sprits as always. Hopefully it’s not getting him down, and will be short-lived.

ZiB

*I’m choosing to believe that he doesn’t understand marginal income tax, as opposed to using it as an excuse to be a dick. He also has no interest in understanding it, because I’ve explained it many, many times, in a number of different ways that someone with his management background definitely could understand.

**All financial planning windows are based on waiting until “after taxes”, regardless of the time of year. It’s a general excuse to stop talking about a thing. Also I assume he doesn’t know when taxes are due, just like he doesn’t know how marginal tax rates work, because he definitely would need to be paying estimated quarterly taxes to not be violating federal law.

***Though house setup is another one of those things were we can’t quite balance our obsessive non-demands on each other. You keep asking me for permission to do things about your own home, and I keep not wanting to have an opinion because I don’t want to unduly influence you. But when we get to actually looking at blankets and chairs it was good.