The Burden of Individual Knowledge
Did no SR work today. Also nothing new in the queue, though I did refer a bug so I’m sure that will pop up tomorrow or Wednesday. Got good work done on other bits though – release notes and KI data and email and whatnot are all up to date. And I got to my meetings. So I’m gonna call it a win even though I only did some of the bits.
Gym’d today. My back is doing pretty well, if a bit weak. But it was easy enough to do all the work I wanted to without risk of reinjury. E payed attention to me and made me uncomfortable, but in theory that’s a thing I want to get used to – the concept of being noticed. I’m told that’s a thing humans do. There’s a dude using the sauna for 30 minutes at a time, more than once a day the past few weeks. And he doesn’t seem to like it very much. It’s great that he gets it up to temp but it’s hard to sit inches away from someone so clearly uncomfortable, and inches away is as far as you can get in that 2 man hotbox.
Talked with V today. Things are still very hard, as expected. Still a lot work just to hold on, let alone to do things. But you did good things nonetheless. You were better at lunch than me (you were also better at breakfast than me, but literally everyone is better at breakfast than me). And you did an outside thing, which seems useful. I know you’re still a long way down but I felt like today went really well. Good job. Maybe tomorrow will include good things too. It’s okay if it doesn’t, but I think there’s a chance it could.
Chatted with M too. It felt like maybe you took one breath today, before headinf back under. Or at least that’s she I read when you tolerated me being aggressively supportive without running away. I appreciate that interaction even if I’m misunderstanding. Maybe you’ll have time for another breath tomorrow. I hope you don’t get shit on too much, or get stuck in past pain that the circumstances stir up. But if you do know that you are safe – or at least can be – and you can have help.
Dog still seems pretty nervous. He’s still spending time hiding downstairs and ignoring us. Except when he can’t stop barking. But he’s got better energy today. And he slept in the living room tonight instead of all the way downstairs. So maybe things are improving.
Shanda is feeling busy and disconnected, and not very interested in even noticing that fact let alone changing it. You’re taking on guilty about it but I’m not sure that’s very useful. Among other things I’m still trying to talk to you about this week’s assigned reading, but we’re still at the secret/unresolved feelings stage so that’s not happening. I know I theory you want to engage but thus far it’s more like yelling at me to stop than listening to how I feel or helping me talk about how to address it.
You did good things today and I don’t want to dismiss that. Things that helped me in other ways, and things that were good for you. And I was buay myself, which I know make it logistically easier. But it’s hard when I have to wait days to talk about a thing though, and waiting is still the plan until at least Wednesday night.
C came over for me robot homework today. That class is not well done. It’s offered to people who don’t know any programming but it does a terrible job teaching programming, and the robot part is mostly a hindrance. The robot is supposed to be an organizing project but mostly it’s just one more thing to debug as you try to learn how if statements work. And the instruction is haphazard and inexperienced. Would not recommend.
I tried talking with C about structural frustrations and plans for changes but only got half way there. My brain isn’t 100% up for it today, and I still don’t have an elevator pitch for it, so it’s hard to sell in one go. Not that I have only one go, but it would be great to be able to describe the general idea in 5 minutes or less. And great to start people off close enough to the truth that there won’t be unlearning required later – it’s so much harder to change someone’s mind than to give them the right idea initially.
Plus I’m still chewing on how I want to balance among acceptance and patience and action. It’s one of the things I want to talk to you about, that I’m sick of trying to work out alone. I’ve been trying to push toward the action end, because I often spend too long in patience and put up with things getting worse. I hear pressure to go toward acceptance, but I’m pretty sure that’s won’t get me what I want, so I need to be convinced of a new goal if that’s ever to be the plan.
This is sort of gibberish. Which is exactly why I want to talk with you about it.
I slept late today but was continuously engaged from 2 until 11. Which left me not a lot of time for myself. Not a lot of time for my own feels, particularly with all the other people who I thought needed my attention today. Good things happened, but it was still a hard day. Tomorrow I’ll have more time but still not people. Wednesday might have both for a couple of hours total, but probably only 30 or 45 minutes at a time. I’ll see what I can do with that. And try not to merely wait on it in the mean time.
ZiB
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Sent from a phone.
