Sublimated Stimulation

This feels hard to get going. It has already been too long, which fights against my process, and I’ve been tired, which makes delay seem desirable. It’s often tricky to continue after I write a feel that takes more than a day, or more than a Screed. I try to remember iteration is the goal, but even that can seem too big. Let’s see what we I can do though, before I’m off to sleep, so that tomorrow I’m at least moving again.

The day job went okay last week. I’m down to two SRs, and only one of those is a hassle. I’m on the queue again next week but im glad to be half done. I also proposed a new RI process that would save a bunch of effort, particularly when support wants to push updates to old static docs. Not sure if it will make it past the tradition filter but we’ll see. I also spent some time thinking about fair but insulting questions for the next company meeting.

Watched @BPS and immediately grabbed “Leaving a Trace: On Keeping a Journal” (Alexandra Johnson) [fig 1] when I saw them with it. I don’t have any ambitious plans but I’d like to take the form seriously and see if research makes it better for me. Or for you. I’d also like to frame it in terms that might better evoke a response to art instead of demanding one to me as a human – perhaps that would be less intimidating to people so they could share some of their responses. I’m also excited to read a book in time proximity to @BPS and then have the opportunity to discuss it with them.

Robots went well. We mostly just played with the vacuum gun. E was around and competitively cranking. Lots of people were worried about tests, which is always hard to see – to see people so worried about a thing that’s so meaningless. To see how such a meaningless thing can sometimes vastly change an opportunity. I went to ISU because I had the right magic test scores, and at the time it felt like my only option for escape. But in retrospect I would have made a lot of different things work just as well. It was hard for me, trading on academic paper for my survival, and though most young people on the team don’t need to escape like I did they are sure under a lot of pressure about some scores that won’t be worth anything to anybody in 3 years. I can’t fix the system this week but maybe I can do something to help with the stress. I’ll have to give it some thought.

Shanda fell on Friday afternoon, while I was at robots. Sprained her ankle and banged up her knee. All things that should recover okay but still nasty and painful. It was hard but I think the recovery went well. You didn’t take a miles-long hike afterward, and asked for help not just with doing but with making decisions. You got help and I think you genuinely feel supported by that process. Maybe even want more of it next time. I’m glad you can feel safer about emergencies, and about access to help. I hope you can remember that feeling over the coming days when you think I’m fighting with you about helping you do things.

J was at robots and seperately poked me in text. Both of which are great. I still can’t quite handle the idea that I’m allowed to acknowledge knowing them. It happens to me when I have an individual relationship with someone who is also a member of a group – my brain assumes they don’t want to acknowledge me in the group context (even if they already have). It’s the way I was able to have allies among the socially powerful when I was in school or in Mother’s household – I could be privately useful even though I didn’t rank public protection. And it’s still easy for me to trigger even though I live a much different life these days. Robots is often full of school stuff that can be hard to take – I do okay bitching about the oppression bits just like I always did, and I’m still less good at the parts that involve my self-concept. I’ve trained my brain to be comfortable with interaction in the group context but I still don’t see myself as a member of the group. It probably would have been easier to do in the other direction.

I’m glad J is visible again. We talked about their hair and mine, and they talked me into trying a wig so I can play with hair without being burdened by it. I ordered [fig 2] to get started – color is the main thing I’m missing and those colors are real good. The general idea of wigs is fun, though I’m a little nervous about styling (even fake) hair. It’s been a quarter century since I last so much as combed my hair. But fake hair is a good place to start I guess, since I can do it without a mirror.

M was treated poorly in her travels, which is sad and frustrating. But I’m encouraged that you reached out to vent about it, so at least you aren’t stuck alone with it. I’m sorry you’re dealing with it at all though, and I hope you can stay protected until it’s done. On Saturday you shared something joyful and precious with me. I’m so excited you got to have it and touched that you were willing to include me. I’m proud of the care you put into helping others with big things, into trying to offer options and control and safety to people who can’t always see it. And I’m working on feeling belonging about some of the feels I now know we have shared. Thank you.

V is still having a hard time but you do seem to be doing things. Doing things is a great first step. Including talking with me, which I selfishly really appreciate, and which is think is good for you too. We got to talk about or RPG games – I was intrigued by yours and the RP you described, and you sound excited by it which makes me happy. I got to share my purple bird person with you [fig 3]. Keep it up if you can. Try to hold on to the parts that aren’t terrible. We’ll find a way to start stringing them together into bigger chunks.

Talked with Shanda about the way avoidance is an unreliable tool for managing boundaries. I know it feels threatening to discuss the thing you’re afraid of. You don’t want to have that terror in your head. I understand why you want the distance, as you try to avoid being triggered, and try to steer clear of situations where it might even come up. But that same distance also means that you can’t consider your boundaries. Can’t describe them to other people or get their protection. Can’t plan to avoid having them violated, or for how to respond if they are. And it keeps you from looking at your trigger and finding ways to make it less reactive and more controlled. Sometimes avoidance is the best strategy, or at least the only one that seems available. But it’s not effective for setting or enforcing boundaries or addressing triggers.

Talked at DerbyK about a poorly-timed demand. But worrying about that sort of timing was a problem I was having, not a solution. So I asked anyway, even though I know you’re busy. I got eyebrows back but no words yet. Which is better than I often get from such rants. I also saw you were in a match – which looked like a lot of fun – and that you had new makeup for it. I’m always a fan of new face colors and shapes.

Talked with Shanda about building the shape of a relationship even when you know the details will take a long time to fill in. About the tools you can use to hold it in that shape until it becomes solid. About the way you can use that work not only to provide an amazing service, but as practice and motivation for better self-care. Most people with CPTSD don’t really want to heal until their relationships demand it. Good for you for building one that will motivate you. And for deciding to embrace the role I threw at you instead of feeling trapped by it.

I talked with my therapist about EMDR. They basically said that it worked great for them but rhy didn’t like doing it as a provider. More objectively they talked about how the goal and to some degree the methodology was the same sort of ego state integration as is used in LI. Which was sort of my take on in reading a handful of papers on the topic. EMDR has more research – though not a ton on CPTSD specifically since that diagnosis is newer, but it’s also a quarter century older. For now I’m not going to make any changes, since I do feel like LI is useful, but it’s nice to imagine there’s another option.

After my interaction with Shanda about EMDR I feel like this is worth restating – if you’re currently being treated for trauma-related issues, please talk to someone about ego state integration methods. This means you, not just whatever other reader you imagine I am talking to. Maybe it’s not for you but it’s too widely useful to just ignore. If you’re not sure you can bring it up with your provider, or your current provider isn’t knowledgeable, at least talk to me about it.

It’s Mother’s Day. All holidays are easy for me to dismiss as worthless fluff, and many of them have weird connections to the patriarchy or other terrible traditions. But this one is extra tough, and was used to punish me in unique ways. Is still used to hurt me when people use the holiday as an excuse to discount my experience or otherwise be unkind. Eventually it would be great to stop being resentful of a calendar entry but there are too many layers for that to be plausible today. Today all I can hope for is better.

Watched American Gods (Starz) S02E05 “Donar the Great”. I love how every town and every god is a new heist. I love how Odin’s plan is only ever to make everyoke think he has a plan. I love how the escalation is imaginary and deadly at the same time. Also some really good shots [fig 4] in this episode, not that it isn’t usually pretty. The shape of the story in these and the way the players refuse to see it makes me think of Better Call Saul, another show that rewards and punishes me with heists.

LS came over Saturday, since Shanda was not up for leaving the house. They ¹I don’t want to push into time with LS, but I do think you should imagine that we exist in the same place at the same time, and that some activities could include us both. One of things that reinforces my feelings of inhumanity, that pushes against the same school fear of not being allowed to know you in public, is when our relationship goes … Continue reading watched Get Out (2017). I watched most of it, but had to take Dog out in the middle. It’s a better horror film than most, and not accidentally either – it sees the way horror films are often best used to directly confront a societal horror, and it does a good job. It combines the straightforward explanation of the issue in-narrative while at the same time denying that it’s even possible let alone happening. It’s still jump scares and protagonists being restrained, so it’s not for you if that’s a problem, but it’s a worthwhile film.

This isn’t in the usual shape. My brain is still pulling parts together. But I can see that the things I learned on Wednesday are working. Injury is keeping some household tasks on the back burner, but it feels like I’m catching back up on the pieces I have been ignoring. I at least listed a bunch of things here, even if I don’t have them all in the same box yet.

ZiB

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Sent from a phone.

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