Space Ghost Coast to Coast

Watched Shakespeare in Love today at Bard. It was what we go there for. Jennifer Lines was amazing as the Queen, despite the tiny role. The first time we see her she walks out on to stage in a skirt about 4 feet wide and stands in the middle of a giant turntable ¹The practical purpose of the turntable was to cut from backstage to house sides of the curtain while we put on the play in the play, but using it for the queen was amazing. with her arms out for applause. It’s fraking WWF. The last time we see her she interrupts the play from the top of the audience and marches down to stage before telling us it will end “As stories must when love is denied: with tears, and a journey.” There was also a bit with a dog, which was a joke about how people prefer dogs to acting, but also gave us 4 bits with a dog, which was absolutely the right call.

I have real good makeups today [fig 1]. Good enough to make young people stare, and old people look away. Had to switch back to my old glasses to show it off. Which makes me imagine I might actually use my contacts, for the purposes of face painting. One of my new pairs of glasses has magents in the lenses, which provides for both mechanical and electrical connections, but it also blocks a lot of prime eye space. I’ll have to look into prescription colored contacts, which would be the best of both.

Shanda had a real hard time today, with her own travel feels and triggers. The options today for me were to give you space or to be responsible for your old feels. For a minute in the middle there was clingy weeping but that went away as soon as we were in private again. I totally get how triggers are a thing, and can be hard to recover from. I understand that sometimes you need space to work it out. I am an expert at giving people space. But you have to use the space for something other than distraction and endurance, or there will never be enough. Many people ask me for space, but few ever imagine they want less once they’ve had time to process. It’s one of the ways I feel like you ²Yes, you. If you’ve ever imagined that you need more space from me and didn’t end that process with either defining a boundary or deciding to pull away, you’re who I’m talking to. I give excellent space. I can ignore you entirely or a specific topic for as long as you need. I am very patient. But I can’t make you want to use that space … Continue reading only like me in a crisis.

We planned to go to a nearby French restaurant after the show but they were booked for several hours. Usually we’re the only people in there at 5 PM but today it was all reserved. So we went across the street to Fable which was great. Had a duck meatball and breast, some cheese foam, pasta, zucchini, a nice syrah and some fancy deserts. Sat next to the whitest people in Canada who wanted to show me how their picture of zucchini was phallic. But it was a good time, that we ended with some sharp pain and a dash to the bus.

I really like taking public transit in other cities. Particularly when I have a card ³The Compass card in Vancouver was previously a hassle because you could only attach a Canadian credit card to it. But last year I got an account set up here and this year I was able to manage everything online in advance. I’m pretty stoked to have a CA address and bank. It makes me feel much more prepared to flee, when that inevitably becomes … Continue reading . It makes me feel like I could be okay away from home, even without a lot of money. And it makes me feel like I know where I’m going and how to not be outside 24/7 if I was having a hard time. It’s not as safe as durable pants but it’s a good reassurance against the idea that I could only survive in my home city.

Last week in therapy I didn’t get to LI. We talked about the ways in which I couldn’t get – and then if I got, didn’t want – most kinds of attention. Mostly in prep for finding the next LI topic but also as a general revisit or my therapy goals. Came up with a couple of new ones and checked in on old ones like touch and my startle response ⁴Which is going medium. I no longer jump at the idea of my therapist holding a doll that they pretend is infant me, like I did when they first suggested it. But I still am not okay with it. I am doing okay with touching Shanda (in a non-sexual context) when she uses words to talk about it, or in a handful of other scenarios, but it still is a … Continue reading . We did come up with a feel for future LI – one about the way I feel like you would like me better if I was more invisible – but didn’t have time to make it go that day.

I’m doing well away from my day job. Got all the administrative bits done before I left. I’m going to do a personal favor for someone on Monday to check a thing but I’m feeling pretty good about not doing anything else all week. I’m even feeling pretty good about coming back the following week, at least in terms of backlog. I am officially on the clock for one day on Thursday, but only got the sake of deleting email and planning urgent tasks for the following week.

Got two new pairs of glasses last week. The green ones you say yesterday and a pair of lightweight purple ones. But based on their performance last Tuesday I think they failed to put transition lenses in the purple pair. I’ve had some trouble adjusting to the new glasses at all – I’m used to only having one pair, and to it being rimless and frameless. They also aren’t dialed in yet in terms of fit. But I’m trying to get used to the idea that I can choose glasses as part of fashion, at least as soon as they glasses themselves feel a little more normal.

One piece of survival equipment I have never traveled with is a water bottle. This might seem like a mistake for someone as prepared as me. It certainly can put me in danger. But my brain is so sure that I can’t have water storage as part of packing that it’s hard for me to imagine I want a bottle. My access to drinking water was pretty restricted, so I learned to go a long time without acting on being thirsty. I did bring a water bottle on this trip, and used it on the train and in bed. I am definitely not comfortable with it yet, and sort of afriad to want it because it is just another thing that could be taken from me. But it’s good to have.

Talked with V for a minute about backlogged emotions and format of help and support for those who support you. I know it can be hard, but I’m glad you’re talking about it. You’re not only doing good taking care of yourself but you’re also doing teaching other people to take care of you.

DerbyK talked at me for a minute, about pregnant pauses and the value of dollar store junk and the safety of boating. I never get quite what I expect from your stories, but that’s the point – if I knew how to imagine them I wouldn’t need you to write them. Thank you for giving me examples.

There’s maybe still a thing about potatoes or sex or Fleabag. M is presumably stabilizing compared to the last few days, but I assume still at pretty high stess levels even for you. I’ve probably got 30 more layers of travel feels but I’m not sure if any more will come out tomorrow – we’ll see if going home pulls one out. If there’s another weird version of punishment for me to feel bad about in my daily life.

With all likelihood tomorrow will bring me Dog and hopefully a nap. I think I’ve got some Rimworld planned for the week, in addition to drugs and naps and museums and food. I’m hoping that all goes well. That I can come out of it feeling more connected to several of you, and at a lower level of sustained stress.

ZiB

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Sent from a phone.

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