Small Populations

Got real messages from M, two days in a row. It makes a difference in how I feel. My brain tells me that means I’m too dependent, and that I must build some more space between us to be sure I don’t contaminate you. To be sure I don’t get used to it. It’s the part of my brain that believes my joy is your pain. But I’m trying to imagine it’s possible for me to be attached without being an unbearable liability to either of us. Not sure if I can believe it though. Not sure you’d want me to.

Reading assignments for my therapist did help ¹I sort of assume that no one does the reading or other media assignments I provide. But I am a pretty good media picker. I can find some that gives you a particular feel or perspective.. They definitely reframed their understanding of my need to flee. We will see if the new version is more useful, but it was obvious that things shifted. I also got them to actually work on the follow up I had from before, and have a god damned opinion about a thing I do, after asking relevant questions.

I know that I can read and induce feelings in people, and I am confident that I can share feels with people in a technical and sometimes even precise way. I have an expectation that such a skill should let me have connection, at least about simple things like job stress or common human activities. And I can, if I’m careful to keep up a performance of being a normie. Which I often like doing – heists are my thing. But it’s work to be performing. We can have fun together, but it’s not me you’re connecting with, because I have to censor my real self to even shoot the shit with you.

One of the things I have to censor are the circumstances of my life, past and present, to keep people from being afraid of how mine is different and hard. That’s sometimes managable with the right frame story, but sometimes I just have to keep it secret to keep people feeling safe. I find it particularly hard that I have to censor my knowledge of their feelings. I can smell many feels through sunglasses and aluminum foil, but people are terrified if I can see their feels before they do, or if I can see feels they are anxious or ashamed about. So I don’t let on that I know, and thus build a barrier between us.

There are people who can handle my existence. Some of you even like that I can see you (at least sometimes), and that I listen to your story. But there are many more people who can’t relate to me even about deadlines or traffic. Even those safe topics leak out feels, and I might repeat one that makes them feel attacked, even though it’s their own story.

So I’m glad to have done research that I feel like I can believe with my therapist. I think I can use that new belief to feel relieved that I can’t make it better by trying harder, or learning the secret normie handshake, or wanting less connection. It is harder for me to relate not because I lack social skill but because I’m not very relatable to most people. That’s not exactly groundbreaking news, but it’s a thing I haven’t had much confidence in before. It easy for me to feel like I’m wrong for expecting to be able to speak freely about everyday topics.

One of the reasons I want to play medium-high on the intimidation scale is to protect myself from being expected to relate in the way that will make people pull back from me – the person with the highest intimidation roll gets to set the terms of respect and often the topic. One of the reasons is to make myself visible to other queers on their own public performance. We’re all in the band; we should work together. And we’re rare, so we should make ourselves easy to find.

Performance can be fun ²Performance can be terrible, and often is, particularly in situations where it’s required for a long period. Those are situations are often worth finding a way out of., but it’s a barrier to closeness, and it’s at least some work. So it can’t be required at home. It can’t be required in the spaces and times when you need recovery or reflection or sleep or support. We all need boundaries, but there’s no rest in a room where you have to keep your present self from the other occupants.

That’s possibly gibberish but I want to get to bed so I’m not even gonna read it.

ZiB

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Sent from a phone.

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