Self-Induced Loss of Control

Did LI about regaining consciousness. It was provoking in the way LI is supposed to be. It was fairly intense for me therapist too, based on their reactions at the end. But it gave me some useful insight.

One of the main ways I feel trapped by recovery from other-than-normal consciousness is in fearing that I have allowed myself to recover before I stopped needing the protection of being completely checked out. Sometimes being genuinely unresponsive was the best way for me to endure a situation, and so I long ago learned how to fully detach and lose control of my body – sort of like fainting, but via self-induced panic and hyperventilation. I haven’t tried recently but I suspect I could still do it on demand. Feeling responsible for managing my own consciousness and feeling the pain of not getting it right explain a lot of the fear I couldn’t connect to before.

There are other pieces – Mother needing my reassurance that I wasn’t hurt by her murder attempts or other bits of torture that made me detach. Mother waiting for me to come back so she could hurt me again. Fear that I would be stuck in an outside intervention beyond what could actually help me. Fear about how I could not safely determine my physical condition until I was actually alone, because being caught checking was too vulnerable.

I also had feels about what some of you call “being taken seriously”, and all the ways that persuit motivated me in the past. About how it doesn’t really work in any way that matters. Don’t get me wrong – there are portions of privilege attached to credentials or gender or the like – but by and large you are only considered “serious” is you seriously agree to pretend not to see oppression. As soon as you point out how the system is broken you go right back to “not taken seriously”. I wrote about this in a different framing before, but I think there’s a new one to be had from this. Maybe something that’s easier for you to connect to.

Dog goes in for more testing tomorrow. He’s back to full limping now that he’s been off meds a couple of days. Hopefully we can figure out a new thing to do tomorrow, or a way to get him some relief he can use for longer.

I had an idea for an art heist with @BPS. I’m not sure how they’ll feel about it, but I told them about it so I could find out – asking people directly is in the top 3 most effictive ways to find out how they feel. But it would be cool if they were up for it. I think it might give them a feel that will help them do a project they’ve been talking about for a long time ¹I have pretty good luck with this sort of motivation when I can get people to participate. But it’s easy for people to find reasons they don’t want to try, so only occasional success overall. I still hope body casts might be on the list someday.. I also promised to send something for them to install in SF and have no idea what that might be – it’s not really a heist if I have a whole plan before I start it moving. So there’s maybe pending art panic while I cook up a project that impresses senpai and that I can actually get done in a few weeks (and that can be mailed).

HA4H tomorrow though, will just be more guillotine modeling. I’m making decent progress for a thing I only work on once a week. I think the next step is to design a cover that will hold the blade sled to the frame. Or maybe hooks around the back? We’ll see what I can cook up.

Work has been light this week, which is a relief. I’ve still found plenty to do, but I’m glad it’s a break from a million SRs. I also had a good idea about how to maybe sell a job about internal security research to my boss. He’s on board now with the idea that our team has to move – the rest of my team is pushing on him about it – in the organization to survive, and I might be able to attach my goals to his new plan.
An unexpected benefit of LI was connecting some “taken seriously” anger from times when I was abused with the assistance of institutions to my CASA writes and feels. There are several CASA related prompts in my LI exercise and it slotted right in to the feels. So I’ll have new things to say about that too.

If you haven’t watched Fleabag yet (and you should) at least go watch this so you will know what people mean later. It will be on the test, if you pay attention to scripted comedy, because people will definitely try to do it again. Probably not as well as Fleabag at first, but it will be back. https://youtu.be/mD-VHKzU45k

ZiB

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Sent from a phone.

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