Run, Yala, Run

Today feels hard. Like I don’t deserve clothes or warmth hard. Having more than one tier of clothes helped though, as I was able to put on an emergency shirt before wading through all of the feels. The feels part is important but being physically well and able to do daily tasks is more urgent, so having an alternative instead of just a barrier is nice.

Dog appears to be slightly injured, limping a bit on the front left. I first noticed late Friday and it was worse Sunday; today is the first time the vet it open since then. I don’t think it’s a big problem – when he’s excited for a walk the limp goes away – but I want to be sure it gets better. He got some NSAIs and orders to be lazy. Hopefully that helps.

Not feeling great about the day job. I did eventually get my deadline work done. ot until like 7 PM, but still done. Did not do any SR work. I did check for new SRs – I’m back on the queue this week – but thankfully there were none. Still a bunch of old ones though. Maybe I can make some progress tomorrow.

I did go to all my meetings today, and to the vet, and I disassembled a mouse for robots. Wrote a card for L and filed away media and updated my life insurance and other death-related documents. I got another one line out of CookieZ. It was both faster and more commital than the last round. They are definitely looking for something – relief from guilty and help with parental pain at the very least – but I don’t think they know what. We’ll see if that stays lit or if it falls away again.

Therapy tomorrow. The interstitial topic ¹My therapist linked me an article from psychology today, in response to discussion we had in session where clearly indicated that we had never connected on the topic of safety. They promised to send me something to read, which I sort of expected them to flake on (that has been my experience with similar promises from them in the past). I wish I … Continue reading was internal safety and I’ll bring it up, but I sort of expect my therapist to be unprepared to talk about it in any way I find useful. Who knows though. They’ve had a week to think about it, and today I sent a letter to clarify the way the pamphlet doesn’t fit. They don’t do great with letters in general but my goal this time is just to influence the perception of understanding. They don’t have it and therapy is more useful when we agree on that topic. I should have another topic though, in case this one leads to nothing. Maybe there’s a thing about waiting.

Didn’t talk to M ²And still didn’t get your package. It’s worth checking tracking when you get a second. but got an apology about not talking. Lots of people apologize about this to me. It has never made sense from anyone. You talk when you can and want to. I am okay with that. If I weren’t it wouldn’t just be coming up now. So I read it more as an apology to yourself, and that seems hard, not being able to do a thing you’ve decided you want.

I’ve got specific bits to discuss (spaces and places and professional persons) but I’m sort of gearing up for the long dark – week 2 of classes until a release of tension after classes and all the scheduled follow-on activities let up. Historically I’ve gotten stand-alone messages like “I am stress” during this period, but little else. It’s hard to wait sometimes, seeing only the most intolerable parts leak out, but it’s what I signed up for. And this time could be different. Lots of things are different from last year, and some things are even different from last semester. I’m hoping maybe the recovery is faster when relief does come. But I still expect it will be difficult to keep in touch, and I’m sad to expect to miss you again.

Watched some new Killjoys (SyFy) today. It aired back in July but I’ve been real lazy about TV acquisition, and the automated system for new seasons is down, so we just got it today. I love that silly show so much. They’ve all come back brainwashed and it leads to sort of a body-swap episode where they all take on different roles (and wardrobe). They also all want to bang Hannah John-Kamen [fig 1,3] – it comes up with 4 main characters in this episode – which is totally understandable. This show has such great costumes, and isn’t afraid of a giant wig or a stupid accent. I’m sad it’s done but it was lots of fun, and I’m exited to see HJK do something else. Maybe Michelle Loretta (writer, creator) too. Perhaps I’ll get Shanda to do a run through again from S1 so we can see all the old nonsense again.

The Safety of Narrative should have included this point: we all want to be afraid of the things that will actually hurt us, and prepared to live a life where we are hurt less. But often we tell stories about things that hurt the hierarchy or about how what we have is different and safer than what other people have, instead of about what actually creates hope or reduces harm. We prepare ourselves not for the world we live in or the one we want to live in, but for the one we’re afraid of. I don’t want to live in a world full of people prepared for violence. We should tell stories that help us build a world that reduces violence, not stories that insist it’s necessary. Stories about a world where the threat isn’t dangerous thugs or dangerous bigots in the country, but one about how isolation and poverty make us all less safe.

I still need a story that lets my old life seem safe enough. I don’t know how to sell hope to 9-year-old me. It doesn’t seem wise for him to have hope, or connections. It was always a point of frustration when I did LI regularly in therapy, when I’m supposed to connect with young me. He doesn’t want a connection. It won’t help, and it’s likely to make things worse if he lets anyone try. I don’t feel that way in my current life, but I think I would again if I was returned to a life with less agency, and I haven’t been able to convince myself that’s a bad plan. I’m not yet sure that I want to. Not until I have a story that makes young me safe enough.

ZiB

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Sent from a phone.

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