Right Hand Red
Made my early meeting today and got through all my SRs, though there’s one more coming up from KI review. A couple of release checklists not due until next week but I’m gonna try to get them done before my time off to make next week easier. Skipped my noon meeting but got through all the KI and other email including team stuff that will make my boss calm.
Went to the gym this afternoon, but found the sauna broken, which is pretty disappointing, since that’s the specialized equipment I actually go for – I can push heavy things against gravity from here. I do it every time I stand up. But I did okay practicing going, which is good. I’m gonna call to check before I go next time and complain if it’s still busted. I don’t want to pay for a membership if they don’t have a sauna.
Had Bo’xedMacandCheese and a sausage for supper, my first real meal since like Thursday. My first meal at all since Sunday. It’s not technically very good food, but it makes me feel safe about the availability of hot meals. Or at least it did until I asked Shanda how much she wanted me to serve. You weren’t prepared to answer in absolute terms, which is already tricky because I don’t know how to serve myself food. But it’s extra hard for this orange foodstuff because my portion has always been what’s left after everyone else has been served. I almost always wait to serve myself any food until everyone else is done for all sorts of food trauma reasons, but this mushy cheese product is in another category entirely. I don’t just need to be served last, I need to eat everything that’s left, and to not care if that’s too much or not enough. But still, had a food that helped end my most recent semi-involuntary fasting, and that’s good, even if the safety I hoped for was more fleeting.
Didn’t get to sending the dragon out today, but should be able to get it tomorrow. Still not sure what the therapy plan is. I’ll talk about my dissatisfaction obviously but it’s not a thing that can be resolved promptly and so will only consume a few minutes. Talked about it with Shanda today and eventually convinced you of the hopelessness – I can convince anyone that things are hopeless – of balancing my own perception against someone who claims to know differently.
My best idea so far is another shot as Missing Story. That one is still relevant, it’s something I’ve studied well, and if I got a hint of progress on it might make me feel different about a range of things. But I also want a backup plan in case that goes the same nowhere it has in previous attempts. Economic abuse is one I want to explore, but exploring isn’t the right activity for a week when I don’t feel good about the process, or for the week after I challenged my therapist to believe my pre-existing research. Maybe I can get commentary on the way people won’t see me even when I become difficult to ignore, since I just did a practical experiment with that and have long considered it – the idea that creating space ever results in connection.
Complained at work today about the disconnect between some of management’s stated goals and their actual actions, specifically with respect to coordination among teams and discrimination. Management doesn’t actually care about coordination, but has surveys that say they’re bad at it and they want the surveys answers to change so they can feel better. The same management has an official policy supporting discriminatory hiring and pay and supporting sexual harassment (not to mention all the abuses of capitalism that are legal), which makes the idea of teamwork seem pretty meaningless to me. How can we be expected to coordinate if we can’t expect basic protection of human rights?
I slept terribly last night and continue to be exhausted today. Napped after my morning meeting for goodly while and never got to feeling active even with a trip to the gym in the middle. Tomorrow I can sleep until noon if I’m so motivated, and hopefully can get to bed at a sensible time to try to reset my sleep schedule. I’m tired for more reasons than bad sleep times but that’s a good place to get started trying to fix it.
I feel like I didn’t do much today. And that’s true. I didn’t even get any good new pictures. But I also did plenty, I was just too tired to pay attention to a lot of it. I wrote a spirited discussion about how we’re not vulnerable to a 2001 Solaris TCP CVE, no matter what your shitty test package tells you. I got Dog to eat ice cubes. I fixed a bunch of KI data. I worked on an art heist. I planned for robot revisions. And I slept at all the parts in between, to the largest extent possible.
ZiB
—
Sent from a phone.
