Revel, Rollick, Romp

The Calculating Stars talks about being triggered – about anxiety in general – in a way old white ladies can understand. Probably that’s what it does about oppression too – tells old white ladies that it exists. Relates a version they might be able to see to other versions (for better and worse). Assuming that PoV also makes some sense of the tedious and somewhat ashamed descriptions of sex ¹I always feel bad when people are too exited about boring sex. I mean, most sex is good enough to be worth having, but this book brags at me about the concept of long-established romantic partners banging twice in one week, like it’s a titillating taboo. This book only implies sex, but the sex it implies seems really uninspired to me, even … Continue reading. I whine about it here but I’m still gonna finish it.

Talked at DerbyK this week. Good and bad news from you. I know you’re worried that you won’t be able to make your life go, and not without reason. Among other things the courts are punishing you by protecting the wealthy, punishing young people by protecting the old. But I have confidence in you. And I’m pretty sure that your adversary won’t be able to stick with it for the long haul, so I suspect it will get easier over time. Until then, know that you aren’t alone.

Got to the office today. Went to meetings. Fixed my laptop. Got both my SRs done. Spent longer there than I hoped but I’m glad to be caught up. All I’ve got left this week is a bug to stage and some release processes, neither of which should take long or cause me much stress. I mean, until tomorrow when I’m sure I’ll be assigned some other emergency task. But at the moment I’m feeling pretty good about this week’s day job.

Talked to M today. Quite a bit for you. I wish it was under better circumstances but I’m glad I could help regardless. I know the world and your history are telling you that you aren’t trying hard enough – that you aren’t enough – to deserve respect. That you are wrong to be hurt or to expect better treatment. But it’s a lie. You’re being hurt by people who should be supporting you. For whatever reason they can’t or won’t respond to your pain. All you can do to change the way they treat you is tell them how you feel and what you need, and to hope that they are willing to see you and engage with that.

You’re being abandoned when you need help, just like you were so often before. It sucks, and I’m sorry you are stuck in it. Remember that you’re loved and lovable, that you can expect and have respect and support, and that you are right and normal to feel hurt and angry and resentful and mistreated. I think things can get better, when there’s a chance to give this the attention it requires. For now I hope you are able to protect yourself – to set boundaries that will keep you safer – and not take on too much new strain while you endure the crisis. And know that we’re here for you, even when things are hard.

Watched Gridlock’d (1997). It’s got the same technical plot as Blues Brothers – band members on a 24-hour sprint to accomplish some bureaucratic goal are chased by the police and criminals, with a few jazz performances along the way. It’s also about drug addiction and Medicaid and policing and how little we choose to care about oppressed people. Also it reminds me that I want to smoke. The heroin use doesn’t make me want opioids but the constant smoking makes me think of anxiety and nicotine (and the 1900s, when you could smoke inside). Which is intentional I’m sure. And it stars Tupac ²Many of you were not alive before Tupac was dead. He was a popular target of official racism – from the first Bush administration, for example, and from record companies – who was murdered in 1996. Racists attributed his death to him not being white enough to deserve safey, while simultaneously using his death to market and profit from … Continue reading, which I was not expecting.

C came over today. It went fine. I only wanted to die for small portions of the evening. It got me to watch a movie, on a weekday at that. And to walk Dog before supper ³Which in theory was good, from a scheduling standpoint, but it’s too bright and there are too many people and cars and other dogs. I much prefer walking after dark, which is only going to get harder for the next several months. Fucking high latitude. I like living at the 49th parallel, but only in the winter.. C immediately threatened to do it again, which my brain is still not okay with. It’s just one more thing I have to worry about when I inevitably need to flee. One more person I will hurt with my existence, one more witness to leak information about me ⁴he types to the Internet one more scheduled event to tip people off when I’m gone. My brain does not like any of these things. In theory I can practice until those feelings are not my hardwired response, but I’m not there yet – right now it makes me want a cigarette ⁵I should put some nicotine on the drug wall. It’s not my favorite, but I’d use it sometimes, and it’s popular enough to be worth stocking just for guests. Ben says patches are the way to go, which makes sense to me. Good quality control, pre-dosed, time-release, no equipment needed, no smell or smoke, and significantly lower risk … Continue reading.

I was invited to chaperone the overnight senior party for Ingraham. I’m on the list now that the school has decided to track me again for robots. Mostly I ignore these because they want volunteers to help harass young people ⁶I try to limit myself to freelance harassment of young people, and even that mostly via email.. But when they include special restrictions it always makes me take a second look – it’s an opportunity for me to break both their rules about young people and their rules about chaperones at the same time. And fucking with school administrators is one of my great joys in life. I was already immune to their nonsense when I was 13, and while it’s easier to construct punishment for me now than when I had nothing to lose it is much harder to enforce it. In any case, this request specifically forbids parents of seniors from participating – does anyone know why? Is it a thing I could protest from the inside? Some hurtful rule I could refuse to enforce after promising to be responsible for? Is it something about families? In theory it could be a rule to benefit the students but my experience says that is unlikely.

I was tired this morning and felt sort of shitty until after noon, but recovered eventually. I didn’t get lunch until like 4 PM but I did get to eating two real meals today. And other than still needing a little correction to my sleep time I was feeling fine by the time I got home. Continued to all night. That’s not very detailed tracking, but it’s better than yesterday.

I was anxious this morning but am feeling better now ⁷In relative terms, obviously. I’m still at my normal anxiety level, just not at the level that makes me fidget with my phone for distraction or grind my teeth while I sleep, which is where I was this morning.. Being done with work helped, even if it took too long. Talking with M helped, because it helps me imagine you being a little less alone. And Shanda finally agreed that using resentment to hedge against future bad feelings was a costly plan – that she could get invested in a thing that’s very important to me.

ZiB

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Sent from a phone.