Repossessed Rondo Relsih
Took Dog to the beach on Sunday, after we got him back. He was a big fan. He’s not usually up for much stick chasing but he wanted to fetch things from the water all day, and then slowly tromp back out. He would even chase rocks and whatnot, and make a legit search for them when he got to the spot. So it was good fun, and a nice way to wear out Dog on a travel day when we weren’t up for much activities.
Shanda was worried about Dog in the water but he wasn’t. And you were worried about cleaning him up afterwards. Worried enough that you decided I couldn’t help. But it went fine. You think that he hates you because he doesn’t want to stand in the shower, but he doesn’t hate you, he’s just a dog and is unprepared for your human cleaning requirements.
My new primary glasses definitely have the wrong lenses in them. I’m annoyed to have to got back and get them fixed. Probably twice, since I’ll have to return them and then pick them up again a week or two later. I went to a place that’s not super convenient because I was just buying glasses and didn’t expect to have to go back. The whole thing makes me pissy; the prices and the logistics are both silly for 2019.
I’ve have had some trouble adjusting to regular glasses after my super minimalist ones, but I did okay with the green ones all day Friday, and again while we were at the beach, so probably I’ll make it. I’m considering another search for hingeless lightweight frames, because I still really like that option for long days or hard times. I don’t need survival glasses anymore – and honestly when I did I picked contacts because if you don’t care about eye health they’re less work, and you can have backups on your person – but I still like glasses that weigh nothing and just conform to my head, even I they aren’t very colorful.
I found a real good box from M when I got back to town. It was full of special colors and it made me cry. I’ve already got plans to use them for a couple different exciting things. I also got some fancy new red lipstick, which I’m pretty stoked about. I tried a swatch in right away. I meant to do makeup today but the day had other challenges. Tomorrow is a drug day but I’ll do my face on Wednesday and use it and post pics. I’m still real proud of my Saturday face and so doing another sounds like fun.
After buying earrings for everyone else I know I finally got some specifically for myself. A bunch actually [fig 1]. Got some more leather ones, to have a few more colors. They’re not as fancy or bright as the handmade ones, but they were much cheaper and still pretty good. I got a several that are real good – the big aqua ones in two parts, the little spiral space balls, the purple plugs, the blue chevrons (which individually rotate). I have project plans for the ones that look like light switch wall plates, and maybe for the purple wooden ones.
Talked to V for a while. Things are up and down, but I feel like you’re working on it. It’s fine to have bad days, and it’s good to see you working on ways to have them less often. I know it can feel hopeless sometimes, the size of it all. But it’s closer than you think, and it gets eaiser as you go. I also got to chat about games for a minute, which made me even more excited to play some Rimworld this week. I think I’m gonna try some murder this time. Usually I avoid it, even though it’s a core part of the game. I’m going to try to build institutional murder of outsiders so I don’t have to think about it much. As with other forms of colonialism it can be good economically, and it doesn’t make your people feel nearly as bad as individual murder.
It’s still a hard feels time in the household, as Shanda reconnects with some childhood pain. The resentment of never having emotional help during hard times. The pain of feeling like there was nothing you could do when you were angry. Feeling trapped when the one coping mechanism available to you – isolation – wasn’t an option. I’m glad you’re working on this but I hope you can get it connected to your past soon, because right now it’s all pointed at me. So days start okay and you’re very productive, but it makes things hard for you, pushes you toward isolation, pushes you away from your feels, pushes you into thinking that itinerary is the only way to feel better. You’re not comfortable just being angry and so there’s a lot of effort spent on not feeling it. Or on finding someone to blame for it. So I hope tomorrow you can feel it and be in it without being ashamed of it. I hope you can find a story that attaches it to the past and that helps you imagine a history in which you had help and could cope.
That ongoing state – one that was real bad on Saturday, ignored on Sunday, and only somewhat better today – has kept my travel and oppression feels on the back burner. I seem to get stuck her a lot, waiting for people to be ready to pay attention to my feels. I know you can’t control it any more than I can, but it is real hard when the existence of my feels is a triggering event for yours. My whole life people have told me that my feels are either invalid or too much for them to handle. And I still get that message today. When I share people either don’t want to engage because they don’t want to imagine my life or are so caught up in their own reaction that they can’t see how I feel.
I’ve mostly learned to avoid the versions where people react with disgust, but I could still do with fewer of the version where people are so angry or sad or otherwise striken that they need time to deal with just knowing about my life. Or the version where they imagine that a human couldn’t or shouldn’t have survived, which might be true but feels pretty bad to have someone way about you just after you’ve been vulnerable. With the travel and other people’s schedules and your own hard times I’ve been sort of alone with it for a while. It felt like progress on Friday, to have some new feels about my life, but today it feels like a barrier, and like isolation. It feels like a thing I should have left alone until I got everyone more prepared to handle my life. Or like I was right all along and should have abandoned my home long ago. Should at least have screwed up the courage to do it this time and stop repeating this pain.
M seems to be doing well, given the circumstances. We’ve only done basic talking for a while but I think things are mostly under control even if they’re still quite heightened. And I got permission to coordinate a pre-meeting with Sunglasses, which is a relief. We’re back to the version of our relationship where talking to me can be more threat than comfort, and that always makes me feel a little rejected. Particularly against the feels my brain has been generating the last few days. I shouldn’t complain because progress is progress, but patience seems hard this week. It is poking against the way I feel like I can never create enough space to be safe for anyone to have in their daily lives.
Made sloppy joe sliders with 3 different relishes [fig 2]. Mushroom-tomato, mango-peach, and soy-apple. Got to use the fancy dishes M got for this. We also made pancakes and bacon for lunch, and got everything from both meals cleaned up. Plus in perosn grocery shopping. All of which is pretty ambitious for us, particularly on a vacation day. But like I said, Shanda was busy being productive while chewing on the resentment. We didn’t gry to paint pours but we did 100 other things today. It was good to get things done. I would have traded some production for some calm though, or some connection, of those were options.
The 23rd is pole day. It’s when we remember the time Dave and a roadside pole became traumaticly bonded. A time when I imagine that I had never been hurt badly enough to need medical attention. When I was resentful of you having any. Dave did pretty well on that day. I’m sorry I couldn’t care about it in any way that was useful.
And Ben has a birthday somewhere in here. I legit do not know if it’s the 24th or 26th. Never did. I asked when I was young and was told I was dumb for not knowing, but never got an answer. I got used to not knowing – to feeling like I shouldn’t want to – and never found out. Birthday are hard for me in general, and worse with my siblings. Too many hard time and too much bad attention related to them.
ZiB
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Sent from a phone.
