Pushing Back
Down day today. Which was much needed. It’s not enough time to get through the whole backlog from recent weeks but it’s a start. Got the laundry back down to normal levels and hung my shirts for the first time in years [fig 1]. Got caught up on dishes and changed the sheets and switched out dog toys. Washed blankets and swept the garage and took Dog out twice.
Finished Game of Thrones (HBO). It was mostly fine, though that bit where Tyrion looks at the camera and tells us about the power of storytelling is hard to take. We’re supposed to feel hopeful about Arya but her plan is literally “I need to run away so bad that no place in the planet will do” – it’s hard for me to read her plan as anything other than suicide (plus the murder of all the support staff she takes with). Otherwise I think it’s the same bleakness we were always promised, where powerful people do terrible things and feel justified about it, or among characters we like more, feel conflicted about it but definitely do it anyway.
Got started talking about Shanda’s trip to WI (just a few days before leaving, or about 2 months after it stated building stress. You’re primarily going to see her oldest (but still younger) sibling. Which should mostly be fine, though you seem worried about being able to be yourself. About being comfortable with your identity and feeling safe about it around your sibling. They’re not always kind to you so that’s a sensible concern. Though one I think you can handle if you pay attention to your feelings.
The bit about seeing your parents isn’t going so great though. You feel guilty for not wanting to, even though you describe the experience as a sort of self-harm. You talk about it like it’s a thing you do to relieve your guilt about not liking it – like you’re proving that it’s okay to feel bad about the shitty parts of your childhood by feeling more pain now. You say you don’t want or expect anything to change, but you want to participate anyway even though you don’t like how it went last time.
All those conflicted and difficult feelings mean you won’t think about it. Won’t feel the feels. You’re in the middle of grieving about your parents but don’t want to engage with it, you just want to power through with your feelings turned off to prove that you’re doing it right. You’re ashamed to want to protect yourself and so you won’t imagine how that might work. You’re afraid that not wanting to see your parents makes you a bad person, so you’re going to ignore what you want and do what you think “ought” to happen.
You don’t have to see your parents. You don’t have to avoid them either. But you have to admit that that you want something to be different. Your feelings or your situation have to change for you to get what you want. And to figure out what you want you need to have all of the feels. You don’t have to do it all at once but you have to have them. You have to accept each of them as valid and relevant and you have to decide how to respond to them. I can help you name and understand your feelings. I can help you figure out how you want to respond. But I can’t have them for you.
You can be angry and sad and afraid and ashamed and helpless and out of control and unable or get what you need and resentful and whatever other feelings you have. Those are all fine. And it’s fine that they’re happening too fast and that they make it hard to understand what you want. It’s fine that you don’t know what you want yet.
The part that I can’t put up with is you deciding those feelings are my fault, and being mean to me because of them. I’m not making you do anything. If you don’t like what’s happening you can stop at any time. I won’t be held accountable for your feelings about your childhood or your parents. You can vent at me, and you can be upset, and I will try to help you with that. I will be kind and forgiving about your intent and your speech while you are having a hard time. I won’t be hurt by you having your feelings. But I will not be told I am responsible for your old pain, or for your avoidance. I cannot help if you will not acknowledge me as a seperate human with needs and feelings of my own.
There are lots of options. We can change what you want, we can change how you behave, we can change what it happening to you. We can change several of those things at the same time or just try one specific difference. But if you don’t want things to be the same way they always were you need to think about what happened before and find a way you’re comfortable making a different choice.
I was supposed to robots with C on Friday, but that didn’t happen. That’s probably fine though, as it gave me a little down time. They did come over the next day for D&D, which went well. I got Shanda to stick her arm into a bear trap. And I got a bow that lets me shoot fire bombs with my strength. We talked about V coming to a future game and how to work that in.
B came over Saturday night, which was sort of stressful for Shanda. Not the coming over, but the time between our game and when B arrived. It was hard for you to relax for all the reasons – busy week and upcoming trip and a fear that the day would not go right and all the deferred housework – and made worse by not knowing when B would come. For lots of reasons B tends to have a very loose schedule and this does not work well for you particular when your already anxious. You might have a better life if you didn’t try to silently tolerate this situation – if you made the plans you need to feel safer. Eventually B did show up but was ill and went quickly to bed. You stayed up with me for a little TV, which was nice if a bit tense.
Sunday Shanda was out with B and friends, and I stayed home with Dog. I had a pretty slow day, but got lots of little things done. Fixed cron jobs that have been complaining for weeks, fixed sleep on the gaming rig, figured out what I was going to write. Did the trash and some laundry. Ordered parts for the room refit and cleaned up all the spackle tools and supplies (the room is now 100% ready for paint). Shanda came home eventually and was relieved to be done and have the next day off. But life was still tense and talking was still hard. We each had a low dose of MDMA late in the day, which helped a lot in terms of feeling connected and relaxed enough to be present. I was a little worried about stimulant effects and sleep given that we started late, but you were asleep by midnight, and I slept better once we were able to be less seperate.
My day job is still happening. The big SR is finally done, or at least dwindling. I need to get through some older SRs that I ignored while doing that one – I think they’re easy enough but I’m sort of resentful to have them at all. To have pulled the giant one at the start of my two consecutive weeks on queue and to still be holding some in my last week before I’m back on queue. I’ll try to knock them out today, or at least make a big dent, so I can stop hating it so much. Other bits of work are mostly fine. I need to find a minute to do my BZ report before the end of June, or my boss will be disappointed. It’s on my list but I need a with no new SR work to get started on it. I’ve also got some firewall research to do, to try to avoid being assigned bugs. Doing off-bboks research is bad for my bug stats but good for my piece of mind about not owning bugs.
No gym with E this week, but that’s actually good given how my life has been – the time off is more valuable right now. And I’m going to see you on Thursday. I should find a slot later in the week to gym, but I think by myself is the easiest plan, so I can just stop by on my way back from downtown.
Therapy tomorrow, Shanda leaves Thursday, and E is here later that day. One last robots assignment with C on Friday and then up to Stanwood on Saturday for the robot party. I still need a ride for that. And to work out care plans for Dog, since I’ll be out until late Sunday. On Saturday night I’m headed from Stanwood up to Ben’s, where I’m going to help him with a troubleshooting process and tools for his forest WiFi uplink. Back Sunday night on the train, and then right into a full week in the office and on queue. All the while with Shanda having a medium to difficult time on WI. It’s not going to be a simple week.
ZiB
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Sent from a phone.
