Paterfamilias Optime Novit

Last week I finally finished Trust Fund (2016) – a movie I started months ago but could never keep focused on for more than 10 minutes before I ran away. It went better this time and I got through it in one night. I got Trust Fund because Jessica Rothe; she was really good in Happy Death Day (2017) ¹Happy Death Day has a terrible plot and for some reason wants to be a horror movie. It’s got lots of WTF but it has a lot of good bits too, Rothe among them, and plays the Groundhog Day character arch competently in spite of the plot nonsense.. But here she was wasted as discount Blake Lively — being breathily helpless and rich and clueless. The movie started out decently; Rothe (who is playing late-20s in this film) discovers that her dead mother left her at least $10M but her father has withheld both the money and knowledge of it from her. She then arranges to still this money and run away, does so, and seems to be pretty happy. But that’s all before the 40th minute; once she gets away this film becomes a weird love letter to Daddy.

Rothe apparently leaves her steal-$10M-brain at customs, gives 100% of her money to a mobster boyfriend (in cash I guess), and eventually needs to be rescued by Daddy. Or since Daddy is even richer than her, by Daddy’s henchman. When she finally gives up and admits that she was wrong to ever want agency she goes back to Daddy who never talks about what happens and eventually gives up on leaving or even running her own life. The movie literally ends with Rothe publicly declaring that she was wrong to ever hope for a different life and her sister saying “We love you…Daddy”. There was also a scene where Daddy’s new younger wife explains to Rothe how Daddy co-signed a loan for dead mother years ago and… she has an emotional reaction to this. I watched the scene 3 times and I continue to not know what it’s supposed to tell us. I mean, her reaction clearly says that she has newfound respect for Daddy, but for the life of me I can’t tell why.

After the first 33 minutes of this film I wasn’t aware Daddy was going to be a main character. He never really becomes one, he’s just the focus of all that is right and good in the world and the source of all good decisions. Obviously you have ignore all the abusive shit he does and all of the people he hurts, but if you do that and just listen to his dialog you’d see that he does all this because he cares. It’s not his fault that he’s always proven right by being richest and oldest and having the most external genitalia.

So I hated it. I thought for a minute Rothe and Willie Garson were gonna have some sort of fun heist stealing $10M from Daddy but instead it was a weird 1%er patriarchy fetish piece. The marketing blurb for this thing says “She’s lured into betraying her father and chasing after a life she dreams is better than the one she already has. When Reese returns home with nothing but regret, the forgiveness of her father teaches her what it means to love.” Which is unfortunately accurate.

We had talks today about the perils and joys of parenting, about storing feels in separate boxes to keep them from mixing, and about having your sense of self destroyed by people who are too disinterested to even notice they’re being cruel. I’m glad we had talks. Glad you got to have the feels in the first place, and that you shared. Excited that you were able to imagine a new plan after you had them, and for the possibility of future discussions on similar points. Sad and angry that someone taught you the same thing I was taught – that your existence causes pain for others and that any situation would be better if someone else stood in for you. it’s a lie of course, just like mine is, but I know the way that belief becomes immutable. Good job staring at it for a minute, even though it makes you feel terrible.

Got into the office today and talked to my boss about doing a different job. I don’t think we’ve quite covered the general case but they were totally on-board with the demonstration version, and that’s a great fill for the next few weeks even if nothing more comes of it. Still have one half-done SR from last week. Got through a bunch of release processes but still have a checklist for tomorrow. Didn’t get to the BZ meeting I went in for but I’ll reschedule that for something remote tomorrow.

Not sure what therapy is going to work on. I might LI about the way being “trapped” on a boat was so hard; I understand it’s about the need to flee to be safe and I can remember both anticipating that need all the time, and eventually giving in and doing it. I’m not gonna get through that tomorrow — it’s sometimes hard to believe I’ll ever get through it — but maybe I can learn something about the trigger to make boats and planes easier. Or maybe I can find an angle to be less ashamed about having fled, even if I still need to be ready to flee again.

I’ve still got like 6 topics saved up, and HA4H prompts, and comments for @BPS, but it feels like I’m moving back towards writing again. Shanda has been skipping Screed time for days and was poised to continue, which often makes me want to write less, in the hopes of making the task less overwhelming. Or to share less feels, because often they’re too much for people to take. But we’re going again, and that makes writing easier.

My insurance company is attempting to defraud me of the better part of $1000 after weeks of mishandling my claims, so that made me a little pissy today. I’ve been watching the UK attempt to light itself on fire for the past week, which has been entertaining if not exactly joyful. I got new USB power bits today, to advance long-stalled projects, along with a shelf for the freezer we’ve been not buying for most of a decade. Continued plans to studio downstairs; it’s a mess right now but it’s messy in support of improved long-term organization. Made plans with C for Thursday night, though I’m not sure what we’re gonna do. I’m also hoping maybe there’s a call on my schedule sometime between now and Sunday, but those still seem really difficult to actually make happen, and I still don’t feel safe pushing the issue.

ZiB

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