V talked at me, for the first time in a while. They spoke in kind and reassuring ways that helped me feel heard and appreciated. And like I am not incompetent at the social tasks I undertake. Sometimes I imagine that I am a master of social engineering, with special skills at peering into other people’s heads from afar. Able to target a feel I think they can relate to – maybe even guess at a cause – without really knowing their life. Able to carefully express an emotion in a way I know they’ll be able to understand, skipping a bunch of intermediate steps. Able to waggle my eyebrows…

Another therapy session today, and not a good one. I tried to share about how I had done something I felt like was progress for me – about how, after feeling like I wasn’t getting what I wanted out of The Screed in terms of social engagement, I had decided to express my expectations and my motivations for them and ask for help rather than just doubling down on my lone typer routine. About how I had felt slightly shaken to see how little of me or how little of our relationships people see in the sharing I do here, but how I used that to assess my methods instead…

Got super wet more than once on Monday. It was raining all afternoon and just pouring sometimes. People talk about Seattle being rainy but they misunderstand. In the wet seasons Seattle has almost daily flurries that melt at low altitude. So it’s humid all day, but its closer to fog than rain. And it never storms; if there’s one thunderclap it’s literally a news story. But it was plenty rainy and stormy In Cleveland – and 60 degrees. Followed by snow the next day. So weather is a little intense. I could go for something a little more moderate but I do sort of hope that Dog gets to tromp…

I got Dog last night, with only a small amount of hassle. We had several wrong instructions about picking him up, and the local staff was a bit pissy at me for issues with their corporate overlords. But I had GPS tracking on his cell phone and so I was able to see where he was and chase him down once he got off the plane. We rode home in an SUV with a local bus driver moonlighting on Uber and chatted about public transportation. That job has provided me more connections to random strangers than any other I’ve ever had. There’s someplace looking for shuttle bus drivers a few…

Had another therapy session. It was better than last week, I think, but I’m still sort of unsure how I feel about it. It still feels really undirected and with a level of misunderstanding that makes me worry that it will be like every other attempt I’ve ever made at therapy. But there hasn’t been anything overt. Yjst could be good, I guess, to be slightly differen. But I don’t really have any perspective to know if that’s better than what I’m expecting or not. I didn’t talk about it in session but I had sort of a strong reaction to being labeled a survivor (with respect to past trauma).…

Another day of waiting alone. Staying up late watching progress bars and worrying. Getting 3 people and a dog to Cleveland is apparently all I can work on from Wednesday until Sunday, and requires staying (or getting) up for 4 AM airport tasks most of those days. Plus waiting for delays and cancelations, booking and rebooking, being locked in a tube (or hallway, or train car) too close to strangers for a dozen hours, and dealing with whatever cargo process Dog needs that I still don’t understand. Not eating or sleeping on anything like a schedule. And being lonely. Today while I was up late, trying not to panic —…

Stuck in Utah. After a late departure and waiting after arrival for a gate I missed my connection in Salt Lake City. I was going to be at home in Cleveland at a reasonable time tonight, but now I won’t be there until tomorrow afternoon. And my sleep schedule is going to be nonsense. I’m stopping in all 4 time zones over the course of a day or so and waking to go to the airport before 4 AM in one of them. I’ll recover but it sure makes my week more complicated. Even once I get to Cleveland I have 3 more airport chores over as many days, several…

Despite being short-sleeve weather* in Seattle it is cold enough to turn my fingers bright colors [fig 1]. I wonder if this stuff would help me react to being too cold – I’ll have to check the color change temperature. Usually, with my short nails, this stuff is white [fig 2], but it’s still fun to play with when you drop water on it or touch something shaped and cold. I got Shanda to help me switch shoes. I literally have a backup pair in my closet at all times and it’s still _very_ hard for me start wearing a new pair, even when the old ones are dangerously worn…

Watched Addams Family Values (1994). The Thanksgiving scene you remember is /very/ good. Even the “Eat Me” number before it plays well. The sequel has a more narrative plot, but its message is less clear. It requires Gomez and Morticia to cluelessly participate in the same patriarchy the movie mocks. Or at least that it mocks in the better, mostly unrelated movie that follows Wednesday. Ricci continues to be great – her movie should have displaced the romance plot. And the baby plot. Fucking “family” entertainment. Got Dog booked for a flight today. He’s gonna live with me in Cleveland for a while, starting on the 28th. Shanda is coming…

I had a therapy session today. I’m having mixed feelings about it. It was less terrible than I feared it might – more in line with my rational estimates than me fears – but also still an experience where I say terrible things and someone else underestimates how terrible, so I have to hang out cantilevered waiting for them to catch up. That sort of standing alone after I’ve been exposed is a thing I’ve trained myself to do so I don’t die but it’s not the same as being supported. I do it thinking it might help someone with their own life, or at least protect them from mine…