No trash service this week. They delayed a day yesterday and now they’re just canceling what was Monday’s run. Which I understand in a practical sense but it annoys me to have to pull old trash back in, particularly when the wind ate my (city supplied) trash can lid yesterday. Sometimes trash bins turn back up but I didn’t spot it as we wondered down the road with Dog last night. This snow was great on day one but Seattle is not prepared for the world where snow exists 3 days in a row. It’s only like the 2nd time it has happened since I moved out here though, so…

I had this interaction with Jessica Marzipan1“All right Milky White – let’s do this.” I’d link the video for context but it’s been pulled so it only exists in my archive. Maybe I’ll throw it up somewhere. https://twitter.com/JessicaMarzipan/status/1091421033645596672 I like that I am able to guess at nothing to name someone’s emotion and its cause, because sometimes that lets me help with a very important thing from a great distance. Even at Twitter folk I don’t really know, but more often with people I do. I wish I had any idea what the intermediate steps were after that first one, because repeating the same trick doesn’t bridge the gap. There’s a…

It snowed today in Seattle. A thing not so rare as to be unusual but rare enough to be worth some extra engagement. It’s not actually cold enough for snow so it only sticks to grass and trees. [fig 1,2] And dogs and hats. [fig 3,4] But it makes the world quiet and damp and cool and because it’s Seattle still dark enough to stand all the ground reflection. So I made Shanda open the bedroom window tonight; she’s been living without fresh air since I’ve been away. But sleeping in the cold without being cold is one of the few ways I know how to enjoy being warm. The…

I had a therapy session on Wednesday that I tentatively would label as going well. I felt like reactions to me generally indicated a correct understanding of my state, like my goals were directly influencing the process, and like my own understanding was aligned with the discussion instead of counter to it. We talked about handshakes, a thing I’ve trained myself to tolerate because they’re demanded in my life, but which are right up there on the unwelcome contact scale. I’d honestly rather have a hug if I’m going to have touch at all – and to demand that the other participant make themselves vulnerable to me if we’re going…

Travel was better on Monday than it has been other days. Not great but certainly less draining. It helped that I only had an hour or so of delays. I also paid for a first class ticket and picked a flight on a 757 so I could hide in the corner1Seat 6A. [Fig 2] where it’s easier to ignore some of the people-related flying parts, and where I physically fit in the seat. I was able to arrange my feelings about my day job to not be a big part of the day, and that was great. I also arranged to have a full day’s worth of food in my…

I’m trying hard to keep the right perspective – on my job, on leaving M, on picking up the parts of my life I’ve let hang for the past few months, on keeping up the parts I’ve added. On the way that incremental improvement doesn’t care what order changes come in and the way skipping pieces that might help can still be progress. But mostly on how I’m a real human with actual friends that – while sometimes quiet – do care about me. Even when my schedule and environment and anxiety tell me that once I leave for the train1Sometimes I can be excited about using only public transportation to go thousands of miles. When I last…

Had my first session with a new therapist on Wednesday night. Not ideal circumstances – I only made it home to M’s a couple of hours before session, after having left Seattle at 10 AM the previous day. But it think it went pretty well. Certainly better than any other therapy session I remember. As I’ve described before I often feel misunderstood, and because of the way I was abused that makes me feel like I must be doing something wrong. In particular when there’s a mismatch between my perception of my own self-awareness and psycho-education and the one the therapist sees or believes or assumes. When I feel I…

I think I’ll get to Cleveland today – I’m decending there right now. I left my home at like 10 AM Tuesday so at 4:30 Wednesday it’s been a long haul. My bag is in Detroit though, which is less good. Maybe I can get someone to deliver it. I don’t have the energy or time to deal with it tonight. I do t desperately need it today – it basically only has my long-sleeved shirt in it – but I do need it to get the rest of my stuff home and I’m not excited about the idea of going to the Cleveland airport yet again. Got a bunch…

I didn’t make it to Detroit today; that airport is closed due to freezing rain and was before we even hit Minnesota. So I’m in Minneapolis tonight. There’s a direct flight from here to Cleveland so I should still be there tomorrow, about 16 hours after my original schedule. Still technically in time for my duties on Thursday but it keeps getting closer. I’m super glad I gave myself an extra day to travel, even if I’m super annoyed to have to use it. I should at least get to sleep in a bit though, as my next flight doesn’t leave until 1:30 PM. I have decided that If I…

Uhng. Travel is real bad for my anxiety. And I’m on the queue this week, which makes work feel extra urgent. My flight out of SEA is delayed before I even check in, enough to miss my connection to CLE. So I’m overnight somewhere to get there reliably tomorrow, and I picked Detroit because that’s the shortest flight and in the same timezone. Plus it puts me in the Seattle airport for an extra couple of hours. My anxiety gets a little better once I’m inside security, because scrutiny goes down, but it’s still hard for me to ignore the authoritarianism that plauges air travel even when it’s less intense…