Talked to Cowboy today. You’re having a hard time – have for a long time – but I’m glad you feel like you can write to me now. Know that it is possible for things to be different. And that, as an expert in helping people by leaving, I’m pretty sure it won’t offer the protection you hope for. That plan can “work” but it’s very expensive and it only solves a certain class of problems. Talked with E about lucid dreaming. I’m still at “have no conscious knowledge of any dreams in decades”. Which perhaps means the whole thing is moot, since even if I make it work I…

Watched the first couple of minutes of American Gods (Starz) S02E01, after @Erika Ishii reminded me it existed 1https://www.instagram.com/p/Bu1ZwrvA2P1/?utm_source=ig_share_sheet&igshid=1kigg02ht8ghl, just to pull it into the recently watched list so I can watch it with Shanda. That show has a lot of style, and I love the characters they describe with it. The book hinges on the idea that everyone’s rules are real to them, and gives us gods so we can see that belief is power. I think the series does really well with that. It yells the truth out loud at us so we can see everyone’s psychosis and their honest intention, and then lies to us in exactly…

I’m feeling alone today, and more anxious than usual. In some ways that’s a rebound from yesterday, when I managed to let myself feel good about my place in the world for a few minutes 1I spent 20 minutes laying out a case to Shanda wherein I represented my impact in an attempt to make my brain believe it wasn’t harmful. Then I separately sought her approval for feeling good about it, because the amount of good feels I think I’m entitled to is zero. Even for things I work hard at and that other people agree turn out … Continue reading. So of course today my brain needs to invent…

Watched the rest of Russian Doll (Netflix). It’s good. I liked it before and it’s better now that I’ve seen the whole season. The end made Shanda happy cry for several minutes. It would you too. Doit. It’s only 8 short episodes. Chatted with M about the future, and it made me quite hopeful. You’ve got plans that make me smile because I think they’ll make you happy. I felt important when you shared them with me, and really contented to know that you had the space and safety to make the choices like that. I was also proud to be on the list last night, so I knew you…

One reason I felt like I could never have a dog – when I was young but persistent to today – is that I couldn’t reliably keep a dog safe. My life was too terrible to be sure that a dog would even survive, let alone that it would feel well enough to be my friend. I imagined I might have one when I escaped, that if we lived in the forest he’d at least be safe from other people, have access to scavenged food, and able to leave me when he figured out how bad I was for him. These days my life is plenty safe for a dog.…

I spend a lot of time trying to find a way to say “It seems like things are anxious in your head and I want to help you find reassurance”. It seems like this should be easy but often I find it quite difficult to communicate. Like when you’re avoiding something and being asked to pay attention to it will trigger you, even if you later agree you want to pay attention. Or when I can see your fear but cannot offer direct reassurance because the fear is internal. It’s not fair that I sometimes can see your feelings before your sorted them out. And it’s super not fair that…

Lots of things today – an interview and therapy and a hike and a bus ride and a snack attack and fostering a sculpture and Grog and a phone and makeup and some @ViHart and my resignation to making my employer’s executive managers angry again (last time I did this it eventually resulted in my boss getting fired). But the writing is just not going to happen before sleep, even if that reinforces the pattern. In the mean time there are pictures of several pieces. There’s maybe some forcing on avoidance topics too, since I’m primed for that sort of thing and a few of them have really gotten away…

Got my meeting attending, job tasking, email sending, grocery getting, insurance refunding, insurance claiming, insurance inquiring, recycling transporting, drawer organizing, makeup wearing, sex doing, dog walking, care packaging, landlord wrangling, bill paying, dish washing, mail handling, and weed toking underway by 3 PM. Which feels pretty good, even if there are endless more things on the list. And it’s now my intent to lounge hard for the rest of the day. Shanda is light sensitive today, and almost done with work, so we can hide in the basement together for a while. Maybe complete our Search for Grog (Geek & Sundry). And lunch. I did lots of things but not…

Many meetings. Much boredom. There were useful things today but it’s hard to feel like it was a good use of my time. Or the like $2k it cost for me to be here (not my money but still a waste). It’s nothing I couldn’t have gotten just by reading from my couch, and if I did it at my couch I could have had a weekend and a more routine week. I’m doing okay not running away. It’s only 2:30 though, so there’s still time. I didn’t bring a jacket, which I think helps avoid the homelessness vibe – helps me prefer being inside and makes me feel less…

Travel today. Shorter than my Ohio trips and so easier to tolerate. Still a thing that makes me want to be disengaged to avoid stress. It mostly works but it’s fragile and it depends on me be willing to accomplish anything (sometimes not even media consumption). And it eats a good deal my weekend, which I’m not excited about. But I made it without major incident. My only significant delay was on the train at my destination, waiting in the tunnel due to a “police action” at one of the stations. And so now I’m here [fig 1], for a little under 24 hours. Tomorrow will be tough. 8 hours…