People imagine that being male 1To be clear, this is statistical false at least in terms of crime reports by assigned binary gender. Overall rates of victimization by violent crime are as high or higher for for men as for women (particularly compared to white women) and have been for decades, even when violent crime was more prevalent than it is today. The specific crimes vary … Continue reading lets you not be threatened by violence. Or that being big does. But that’s not true. It can deter specific kinds of violence but, but it attracts others, and often it doesn’t allow you to avoid violence at all – the “deterrence”…

I watched Sorry to Bother You (2018) today, as you may be able to tell from the orange brow blobs in [fig 2]. That movie makes text the subtext that I read in all sorts of things – that rich people should be afriad of being murdered because shit is already real bad and literally starving to death pretty reliably makes the peasants revolt. It also reminds me a lot of my own experiences in being invited to the capitalist class, and deciding to step back so it didn’t murder my soul. Guilty about not doing more to become an equine-spanien. Trapped by the white voice that we all use…

Some of you will be tempted to remind me, after Bad Children, that I’m not a bad person. Even that I am a good person. But it’s not really a question of judgement; I don’t really believe there are good or bad people in the first place. It’s a matter of faith. I have unshakeable faith that the real me is harmful to others. And I’ve constructed a reality where your reassurance that I’m not is evidence that I’ve tricked you into liking me. Is evidence of the specific way in which I am already hurting you. Of course that view isn’t very kind to you. It assumes you don’t…

Medicaid achieved. Or at least advanced to the next step, wherein I have to call a bunch of providers and get them to reprocessed old bills with a secondary insurer. Or I guess step 0 of finding all the old bills. But still, progress. In theory I won’t have to call directly about Medicaid for the next 9 months or so. There wasn’t anything more they needed from us, they just failed to properly finalize things the last time we called. Which was itself just a call to get them to finalize things after we did all their verification paperwork. It’s a big relief to make progress here after months…

I’m feeling anxious tonight, though I can’t name a reason why. Let’s see if something falls out of this. I’m physically doing better today. Still a little tired but able to move about for short distances without dizziness. For various reasons I missed all the dog walking today but I got out of the house and walked around Ballard in the evening enough to keep me from feeling like a lump. I got up at a normal time and felt okay, and didn’t have trouble starting my team meeting. The meeting let me yell about corporate abuses and even get a small amount of support from my team. We’ve got…

I’m feeling sick today. And struggling with adapting to it. I sort of can’t tell the difference between being sick and being depressed, and so staying in bed scares me because that makes depression worse. Also my childhood trained me adversely to noticing poor health. If I wasn’t vomiting or so pale and sweaty that it upset other people I wasn’t “sick” by Mother’s standards and I had to just continue regular life. That was usually best anyway, since not managing the household for a couple of days could be real bad. When I was sick enough to require accommodation – when other people wouldn’t let her ignore it –…

It was pointed out to me that I should have had help from a physician when they saw Mother’s neglect. When they saw her sending me in alone when I was under 10 even if they didn’t see the malnutrition or abuse. But societal care for young people is a crap shoot at best, even among physicians. We allow licensed professionals entrusted with the specific care of young people to be openly #ParentalRights — laws often require a degree of such behavior — even though it’s clearly harmful to patients. And even if a physician happened to care and wanted to act generally all a parent has to do to…

Therapy this week didn’t get to LI. I don’t feel like I get much from free-form discussion because I already spend plenty of time on introspection and critical evaluation most days, so I typically don’t get much new insight from the experience. The prompts annoy me for the same reason. I already checked to see if my fear was realistic – it is and that’s why I feel trapped by it. I don’t need anyone to ask me to set challenges for myself – I’m already doing plenty. But it was obvious that providing more context for my therapist would be useful for them, and I didn’t get any useless…

One of the reasons people find me hard to tolerate is because I can see how they’re feeling, can read some of their motivations and guess others, and generally have trouble ignoring such information. I don’t understand the line you want to draw between what you feel and how you behave, or between what you know how to share and what you are actually sharing. It’s part of what makes me “too much”, it’s part of the pressure you feel, the way you see me relentlessly pushing at pieces you aren’t offering for notice, that you imagine as unrelated to your day to day life but that I see as…

I want to keep telling you this as I have: in your mind, in your voice, telling you what to think and know. Do you find this rude? It is, I admit, selfish. When I speak as just myself it’s difficult to feel like part of you. It is lonelier. Please; let me continue just a bit longer. – N. K. Jemisin, The Obelisk Gate. She says in character, about the 2nd person narration of the book itself. I figured out today that I often feel bad when you like things that I do for you. I manipulated you to have that feeling, and even though you like the feeling…