Watched American Gods. Orlando Bloom gives a slavery microwave speech that’s real good. He’s seen my rage. I am not starting a war I am reminding you that we’re in one, and that I need your help to end it. And Crispin Glover is delicious. He looks like he’s dying and speaks like a comic book character. God damn. Went out to lunch and around downtown with Shanda. Medium good time. Lots of schedule nerves and shopping anxiety from Shanda, and a little crowded for me to last long. But I did get a couple good things. And browsed a makeup store to see what sort of things exist. And…

Talked to DerbyK. Or at least got an update from your blog and poked you about it a bit. You’ve been sort of away for a while. Which I can understand, with your recent life. But it’s good to see you back, and hopefully we can find a time for actual talking in the near future. @BPS was in Seattle the same weekend I was in SFO: https://youtu.be/6Kl83AoRro0 They’re sort of all over the place in this episode and it’s great. Simultaneously energized and drained from their in-office work, and grateful that offices aren’t part of their daily life. Amazed by the snow, even in Seattle quantities. Excited by buying…

I have been medium anxious today, with no obvious cause. Work was as good as I expected, and didn’t require me to do anything much before 2 PM. I pointed some anxiety at it before I went just because it was the day’s next event, but as predicted the parts I did in the office went well. I feel like I got all the things done that I wanted done before leaving. I’ve even got a plan I’m happy with for what I’m doing when I get back Thursday. And the gym went well, other than me forgetting to turn on the sauna when I arrived. But I felt fine…

I watched some more ContraPoints “The Darkness”: https://youtu.be/qtj7LDYaufM I appreciate her talking about art and pain in a way that isn’t just a claim that to be a real artist you must suffer. She talks about the chellenge of providing “a spoon full of sugar to help the feminine penis go down” as a prerequisite to being able to share dark things in a way that protects people. It’s great and you should watch her. Watched Brooklyn 99 S06E06 “The Crime Scene”. As a plot element Stephanie Beatriz has like 9 different hair styles, several of which are amazing. Since cop shows are one of the ways media demands we…

Sometimes people reassure me by telling me I’m a good person. But that feels like an accusation to me. I see the label “good person” as a lie told to justify bad behavior. You should like my abuse because I love you. I’m a good person so I would never hurt anyone. Even beyond that the concept doesn’t work for me because I am afraid specifically that I will hurt people without knowing how. That I won’t be able to correctly predict when I will hurt people and will therefore be unable to avoid it. So being told I shouldn’t worry because I’m good or want good things or have…

I wrote a couple of The Screeds yesterday that made Shanda cry and shout. It’s harder to tell how you react, since it doesn’t happen in front of me and direct responses are rare. I don’t mean to distress you, when I write, but I do imagine that I am trying to provoke emotions so we can share them. So you can see how you affect me and how I respond to the world. Work finally settled out this week. I’ve still got an SR I’m trying to punt before I call it a week, but everything else is finally clear. Lots of releases processes this week, and a couple…

In therapy we worked on a performance of illness circa 1989. Not quite the standard LI technique given the specific circumstances of the motivating event but still attempting to connect past you and current you to the past emotional state at the same time. I went to a professional sportspuck game with Pete, which required several hours of driving. On the way there it became clear to me I was ill. Pete was annoyed that I “made myself carsick” and I tried not to let him know I was feeling bad. At the game it became more difficult to hide my illness; I needed to lie down. And so I…

Here’s a a reassurance I need – that I can use my clothes as often as I want and not fear that I will have to do without in the future. One reason I can’t let nice clothes touch me – or even shitty clothes that I like – is because I fear using up my limited access to them. I fear the inevitable decay off all the things that I love, knowing that eventually my interactions will wear them out. Will consume from them the things that once made them great, if not ruin them outright with some more dramatic act. And that I will never be able to…

I got pillow covers today [fig 1], which are possibly the first piece of home decor I ever bought for myself. I have selected, purchased, and built many things but I always viewed them in the context of for another person, at least with respect to their appearance. Like colors it’s another one of many things on the list of personal preferences I failed to imagine I might have despite recognizing in others. It’s a skill that has made me very resistant to many forms of marketing and manipulation. At the cost of not being able to participate in many forms of expression or adjust my environment to suit my…

Many of you tell me you feel supported by your therapist. Some of you don’t quite use those words, but you talk about wanting a session when you’re having a hard time. Or about writing or calling your therapist when you are having trouble coping or reassuring yourself. And it just don’t get it at all. I don’t understand what you get out of it, or why your therapist would help with whatever that was. This comes up for me in the context of therapy mostly because I’ve thought a lot about how therapy is supposed to go. I’ve paid a lot of attention to representations and recollections and carefully…