More SRs today. I’m up to 8 active and 1 that’s resolved but still needs mitigation research. I’m gonna have to punt some of them to other teams this weekend, once I figure out someplace I can make them stick. And I’ve got one that’s a research project in itself that I do not understand why we are handling as an SR. I think it’s because there’s a publication deadline next month but if we’re serious about meeting that this is an engineering-wide project. I’m going to just ignore it until next week and see what the team says. Went to robots this afternoon but I was only half there.…

Talked with @BPS about the nature of research. I’ve been trying to imagine my next job – or this one revised into something I like – as one that I caller researcher. It’s always a thing I imagined liking when I was in grad school, but sort of ignored because I do not want to work in academia 1There’s also the part where I imagine I couldnt write a paper. That it’s too long and I don’t have enough to say or the patience to build it over time. That I can only write in one burst and that I could never construct something larger. A fear I confirmed when…

I did work today, but only from bed. New New SRs so far this week. I got stuck with one last week that still needs work but I should be able to progress it tomorrow. I’m also holding one I want to do more research on but the parent is closed so there’s no deadline there. Got my SSH bug committed to yet another branch, mostly avoided fire for a support case someone is trying to blame on the firewall, and in theory one of my teammates volunteered to move my laptop to the new office (though they did not report back one way or another). Got through RN review…

Another day sitting pretty still not doing much. And largely alone while Shanda worked and took care of the house and me and Dog. But I was able to write, and we found time to talk through it. And I got dressed and ate two meals and mostly didn’t let myself do anything that risked reinjury, so at least moderately good self care. I’m getting sick of reclining. I usually sleep face down, and a often prefer to work that way too. But my back will have none of it right now. I am getting better – I expect to work tomorrow – but I’m still in a no bending,…

Watched some @BPS. You should watch the first segment 1I think you should watch all of the ADs, but given their typical view counts of 30-50 that’s probably a bigger ask than I imagine. To me they feel not only like time well spent but like a useful tool for getting other people to think about emotions, to consider the challenges of their own disabilities, and to imagine a life that includes more … Continue reading of this one: https://youtu.be/3wspTzh7ipY to see them talk about auto-ethnography 2https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Autoethnography. Which I think is part of what’s happening here. Obviously I’m not — and don’t intend to be — terribly formal about such any…

I have all the things to say. About autoethnograpy and acceptance and research and art and whatnot. But I just fell down the stairs and there are 0 comfortable writing positions for my back with any device. There aren’t even any good sleeping positions. Plus me needing help makes Shanda be all but unable to help me. I did eventually get assistance with bandages, but it required me literally yelling “I do not consent” as part of managing my own first aid. And then me being alone again once I demanded too much care. I can never ration it correctly, to ensure I have enough when I need it. I…

I had a little trouble getting going today. I wasn’t terribly tired – I was up before my 10 AM alarm – but it was difficult to make things happen. Day job or chores or anything else. I did manage lunch and clothes by like 1 PM but not without some prompting. I spent some time around noon thinking about how I felt physically but I was not able to draw any strong conclusions. I really only have one point of reference – is it bad enough to limit what I do? If it doesn’t hit that threshold I have a real hard time trying to determine how I feel.…

The Calculating Stars talks about being triggered – about anxiety in general – in a way old white ladies can understand. Probably that’s what it does about oppression too – tells old white ladies that it exists. Relates a version they might be able to see to other versions (for better and worse). Assuming that PoV also makes some sense of the tedious and somewhat ashamed descriptions of sex 1I always feel bad when people are too exited about boring sex. I mean, most sex is good enough to be worth having, but this book brags at me about the concept of long-established romantic partners banging twice in one week,…

I’ve been listening to Calculating the Stars (Mary Robinette Kowal). It’s solid, crunchy scifi. It likes to talk about flying. It’s about anxiety, and actually has things to say about it. It’s sort of about systematic oppression but it feels pretty lightweight – there is real pain described but it’s observed from a place of some privilege. There are support systems in place that often allow the protagonist to disengage when she’s overwhelmed, and to not greatly suffer for that loss of control. And some of the oppression is presented second hand, when the protagonist is made to notice. It’s a good book though, and I’m probably being hard on…

Had a new D&D game with C as GM on Sunday. The group is a little small but the game was good fun. In many ways better than our regular game. But I can’t have one of these in my house every Sunday. I’m saved by the holiday this weekend but eventually we need a better plan. V made me feel very important today and last night. I know you had a tough day, but I think also a good one. A step further from your fear and closer to your goals. Good for you. And thank for letting me be involved. If I wrote an anxiety index would it…