Sunday I got through all my planned activities and then had a drug day. I got a bit of a late start at like 2 PM – I prefer to start before noon to make it easier to get to bed at a reasonable time – but I had already planned Monday off for recovery so my schedule was flexible. I did about 125 micrograms 1The actual dose is a little hard to determine because I don’t own a mass spec, but I took 1.25 grams of dilute fluid, which I’d estimate around 125 micrograms of active compound. of LSD. I feel like things went really well, at least within…

It’s been a busy week, not without accomplishment but definitely without stability. I’m glad Shanda will be back tonight. In therapy Wednesday I talked about practical tools for avoiding dissociation during my next piercing. A thing I’d like to avoid because it’s very unpleasant and because it will take me away from the people I am with. It’s also a thing I’m ashamed of because of the way it was part of punishment interactions with Mother. This process included some general advice 1Actually the advice was much more specific but the generalized concept is more useful to me. I like to be prepared but I often find improvisation less stressful…

The company I order my colorful and enormous leggings from has ceased retail operations. I wish had known it was coming because I would have ordered a few more. But today I found out they are continuing to operate as a private label manufacturer, and that they have no minimum order size – they will do one-offs. That means I could get custom prints, which sounds real exciting. Or would be, assuming I had design. It’s not really my strong suit but maybe I can make something geometric and colorful. As the subject line suggests I’d love to have your help to – your own design or assistance with mine…

The robot party went well. I put on my ice drag king warpaint and hair [fig 1,2] and rode up in the back seat of a van with some underclassman’s mom. You know, to get the full high school experience. I brought ice bottles and juice boxes and pasta salad and doughnut holes – everything a growing boy needs. And of course some intoxicants, to help keep that growth properly stunted. The hair color was a medium hassle to put on but looked good and was excellent sun block. The face color was a little melty out in the sun but did pretty well I thought. But I got to…

Got through the day job today, but just barely. I’m feeling good about it through, in terms of being ready for next week. I got to feel smart about actual code today, which my job doesn’t let me do much anymore, as part of helping someone else with their bugs. I still haven’t had a chance to start my BZ report but I am prioritizing it next week, assuming the queue lets me. But I’m good on releases and SRs and whatnot, which is nice. Headed to robots and groceries and robots and Dog and packing and hopefully sleep before late. Lots of things to do between now and then.…

Fun fact – I’m ashamed to want food. Not just to eat it, or to ask for it, or to prepare it, or to obtain it, or to posses it (all things I have various forms of aversion to), but ashamed to be hungry and want food. It’s proof that I didn’t manage my day correctly, because a good human wouldn’t be in this state. If other people are hungry it’s evidence of my lack of care for them, and if other people aren’t hungry it’s evidence of my inhuman need. Being hungry is the first step of my body betraying me into actions I cannot control, and good people…

I’ve been reading more N. K. Jemisin, from her Hundred Thousand Kingdoms series. This one doesn’t yell in the 2nd person (which I still really love) but does use blindness as – and the occasional bit of truesight – to demand attention to specific details. To reveal the thought process that brings us insight. It’s another series about oppression, like the Fifth Season was, but it takes a different tact. It explores hierarchy and the way it hurts even the powerful. It looks at colonialism in the same framework, as another part of the same hierarchy. The Fifth Season told us about the institutions of oppression and the amount of…

Down day today. Which was much needed. It’s not enough time to get through the whole backlog from recent weeks but it’s a start. Got the laundry back down to normal levels and hung my shirts for the first time in years [fig 1]. Got caught up on dishes and changed the sheets and switched out dog toys. Washed blankets and swept the garage and took Dog out twice. Finished Game of Thrones (HBO). It was mostly fine, though that bit where Tyrion looks at the camera and tells us about the power of storytelling is hard to take. We’re supposed to feel hopeful about Arya but her plan is…

I talked about storytelling in therapy, to make sure I’m on the right track with the methodology. About the idea of imagining a past that wasn’t so shitty, to teach my brain about how life could work even though mine did not. A life where there was enough safety to make the bad parts tolerable. Which they confirmed is more or less the plan. When I ask questions like that my therapist always wants to tell me that imagining things is okay, that I’m not “faking” memories, that it works. It’s clearly a thing they’re concerned about — are worried that I’m concerned about — but I can’t seem to…

I need to be better at accepting recognition 1Also reassurance, but that’s another trick entirely. Right now my brain tells me that all recognition is at best sarcastic, if not much worse. That the message communicated by it – to me and anyone else who hears – is one of my inadequacy. Even if the thing I did was good I could always have done it sooner or more quietly or cheaper or with less prompting. I could have done it in a way that no one would of noticed or been able to recognize me. The fact that I did it in this way – in a way that…