I packed a bag this week imaging what I would like to wear and what would be comfortable during the actual circumstances of my trip. I didn’t pack my most rugged clothes. I didn’t pack my most versatile clothes. I didn’t pack any equipment other than toiletries. I didn’t pack my laptop or my bank safe key or my passport. I didn’t lock out all my computer systems and household equipment. I didn’t hold my mail. I didn’t prepare for a life I would never be coming back. Or even one where I might have to be gone for weeks. Which is different for me. I’ve always packed by selecting…

Made it to Canadia. Left home almost entirely without survival gear. Got all my day job done for maximum disengagement for the next week. M had yet another hard day, another one that will take more than a day to recover from. Thought about oppression, the way I don’t believe I’m entitled to feel it, and the way it is punishing M for trying to escape it. Had feels about all the times I was physically abandoned, about how sad the unattended minor table in Amtrak trains is, and about how much I resented seeing other people get that (to my abused brain, “high”) level of care when I was…

So here’s a thing I need to do — call in sick to writing 1I realize that no one is like, taking attendance here. And that you mostly don’t care if I skip a day or 9. But I write these for me and I need to call in sick to myself. Which is tricky, because I know for a fact that I’m always faking it.. Instead of feeling bad about not doing it, and then feeling like it’s a burden to pick up again, I should just decide that I’m not doing it because my day is hard and I would better use what’s left of it on something…

I’ve been making progress on Medicaid. Got most providers to re-bill, which has been waiting since like December. Still probably some follow-up in a couple of weeks to make sure we got everything, but it feels like it’s finally getting done. I’ve got to call the Medicaid office in one state to get them to generate paperwork for consumption by Medicaid in another state, but that’s the only task left on my short list. I think this might actually get wrapped up before we have to renew for 2020. Here’s another LI feel, one that sort of popped out of the side — I never understood the social aspect of…

The bigger feeling I pulled from LI this week is maybe this: I sometimes don’t believe that I know what I am feeling. I don’t believe myself when I’m hurt or in pain. I don’t trust my own motivations when I interact with others. I do not believe the judgements I make about my own actions. I am convinced that somehow I hurt people by aiming my attention at them. My inhuman brain can’t see how they are hurt but I know it’s happening. I’ve been told so many times that I should not notice things, or having feels about them, at least not if I want to pass. Not…

I heard this the other day, and it gave me porch twin feels: https://www.reddit.com/r/entitledparents/comments/b1t0iv/ When I do LI work in practice I imagine someone eventually helping me, after whatever bullshit I’m crying about happened. Someone helping me feel better instead of worse after I was hurt. And it helps some. I lets me be less afraid and ashamed. I lets me tell a story about how what happened to me was wrong and not my fault. But my brain still wants someone to save me. Still wants someone who actually cares to show up and take me away, like in this fairie tale-like Reddit post where eventually the poster is…

Felt like shit this morning and stayed in bed until noon. But I actually told the day job about it, which is new for me. Usually I hide my infirmity like a prey animal and try to make up for it before anyone notices. Felt relatively better in the afternoon but I’m still not doing great. Took Dog for cleaning today. He would be a super willing kidnapping victim – he’ll jump into any open car door and find a place to sit where he can put his head a people height. It’s adorable but a bit much when you’re standing in the street fighting with the computer on a…

Talked with @BPS about art as messaging, about mail art, about art as the public edifice of a private exchange. I’ve been doing a bit of mail art, but hadn’t ever really considered it as a thing. But of course it is: https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mail_art @BPS also specifically called out “100 Boots” from Eleanor Antin 1http://blogs.getty.edu/pacificstandardtime/explore-the-era/worksofart/100-boots/. Heard from Dave today. Got a pic even. He said something about being ravaged by time and high energy electromagnetism. So I reiterated my longstanding position on chemical hats 2Next we’ll both not talk directly to the other for like 6 weeks before exchanging another two lines. I’ll be back from Canada by then so we…

Talked at DerbyK about sandbars and boating and summer fun. About how it’s hard for me to imagine what a good version of the things looks like. Sometimes you’re afraid, like a normal human, when you can see the natural power of the situation. But for me it’s always about the human danger. I’ve been abandoned on sandbars in the Mississippi. I’ve had to choose between being abandoned and being dragged on a line behind a boat. Even when I worried about drowning it was about being trapped by the dam and not the river in general. And so I react to your summer fun pics like they are an…

I got an unsolicited phone call that made me smile. The mere existence of the call was shiny news for me, and the content was even better. I know on your end the event was less than ideal, and I will help you make changes if it doesn’t immediately improve. I’m so proud of you for all the parts. For deciding to try, for changing your schedule to make it happen, for sharing it with me when you did, for planning to go back. I never expect a call from anyone, and certainly not one that I like. It made my week. Thank you. Made progress on my BZ project…