Did D&D. Made supper. Watched and thought about Tucca and Bertie. Poked at Shanda’s parenting feels. And free lunch feels. Spelling bees and breakfasts. Planned heists and used an awl and made the noon meeting. Many thinks but no writes. ZiB

Yesterday I had a whole series of repression triggers. It’s tough this thing where getting better requires that you go through the middle of all the parts that were too much for your brain before. You think I’m too much on the outside – imagine the bits that were too much for me. I got at some repression about parenting. Sort of the culmination of the smaller bits I’ve been prodding at for weeks. The way I refuse to remember doing it. Remembering hurts because I wasn’t great at it last time. In lots of ways I failed. It hurts because while I was trying lots of people told me…

I had a real mixed day today. A year’s worth of feelings popped out early in the day and made me sob 1Piercing fact: Crying makes my eyebrow piercing sore. Too much brow contraction. And probably too much face rubbing. for a while. I feel a little trapped in one particular aspect of my life, where something important to me still feels stuck more or less in its starting position after a long time of working at it and trying things to make it be different. Makes me feel like my options are to break my heart giving up something I love to protect myself, or to let myself be…

I often struggle to imagine my life in corporeal terms at all, let alone allow them to define an experience. My reaction to touch ranges from startled recoil to endured discomfort. I prefer dark, quiet places and respond poorly to bright lights and loud noises. I struggle to experience flavor and I imagine scent primarily as a tool to keep me from ingesting rotten food, or perhaps as a method to locate organic materials. I do have a very keen sense of balance. I can detect very slight inclines of surfaces where I stand or sit, and I often find it difficult to relax or sleep if I lie with…

Don’t let it go. I have already let so many things go. Every day my brain tells me that not wanting things is easier than having them. It’s one of the reasons I can’t deal with people who purport to help me be zen. People who imagine that desire is the root of all suffering, and that I can be free of only I learn to give it up. But am an expert at giving things up, and I know what happens if you try to eliminate suffering through loss – ego death. You can give up anything and if you do you will be free. But one of the…

I think I want the old office to be a studio space. Someplace where Shanda and I can leave things we’re working on out between sessions. And someplace our tools and supplies can live without being so tightly packed away – where there’s no intermediate unpacking step required before it’s possible to work. The room has been really dead since Shanda moved upstairs 1I moved upstairs years earlier to deal with the way my presence can make her resentful when she’s stressed at work, but that’s another story.. And the whole space had been sort of an avoidance trap for both of us. Shanda has been afraid to clean her…

There have been lots of times in my life where what I want simply doesn’t matter. This happens to everyone of course, but it happened to me a lot, about many things where what I want has to matter. Where it not mattering was repeatedly traumatic and never made okay. I have lost a lot of myself to that. Tuned my brain to just accept that I can’t have what I need or want and to not think about wanting anything other than what I have. I’m not okay, but I know that it doesn’t matter if I am okay, and that I won’t survive if being okay is a…

I spent all day today at home with Shanda. It was good. I helped her do all the best crying and calming. She helped me practice stillness. Together we achieved fence – inspection and repair and decontamination – and Dog is now rated for untethered flights in the back yard. It’s been on the list for a year and finally got done. We talked for a minute about keeping control of your attention so you can know and get what you want. And we poked at the feeling where new ideas mean stress and failure to you – feel like a demand for commitment to a thing you don’t want…

I realize last night that I imagine most food – particularly high quality food – literally isn’t a thing I can have without some sort of social negotiation. I can’t have peas, for example, because it takes at least 2, maybe 3 people to authorize the use of preserved vegetables. And there are lots of things I that category, where I can’t have them alone. Cooking itself often feels like it’s in that category – if it requires heating it’s a thing I can only do if it helps more than one person. Or at least one real person and not just me. There’s a whole seperate level of social…

I accomplished lots of things today, but didn’t do writing. Got real baked with Shanda and practiced cooking 1I want to make a baked-baking pune here but can’t be bothered to implement one. . We even did some together, which has never been our style. I learned that none of the normal food I own requires social negotiation to become available to me, but still don’t really believe it. There are lots of places in my life where what I wanted literally didn’t matter, and it sucks that food is one of them. But I got day job done and laundry and floors and cooker twice and imagined that I…