Sick today. Nothing serious but enough to make sleep hard and to keep me tired and uncomfortable. Skipped most of work (other than minor updates to SRs). Sometimes felt bad about the concept my brain invents about getting behind in a busy week but mostly was fine about it. Laid in bed all day and am still tired. Dog got cleaned today, which was inconveniently timed but otherwise pretty nice, as fighting with him for a bath isn’t fun. Got a box of LEDs and associated bits for upcoming projects. Got tickets for L’s show on Saturday, which should be good fun itself and is an excuse to go out…

I’m feeling down today. A little lonely and a little sad. It’s better than the detached anxious I was last week, but it’s still mostly detached. That’s good, in that it’s probably old feels and not really about current things. But it’s also bad because it’s hard to address – it’s hard to find the right feel to work through because my brain has had several decades to practice hiding it from me. It’s presumably triggered by something more present though, so let’s prod around my brain and see what we can find. Lazy day today. Shanda was out all day with LS but I stayed home. Had lunch, played…

Took good advantage of the long weekend and spent all day laying low. Watched some iZombie, which in addition to being funny and puney is full of oppression. It was before too, but it’s been a while since I watched, and oppression has been on my mind lately. Plus there’s a dance episode and Ferris episode and wig disguises and codependent brain switching. It’s a good time. You should have some. Made some improvised sticky rolls with cherries, ate leftovers, felt good about getting chores done on Saturday so we didn’t have to work. Dealt with more feels about the pain and anxiety of being 10. Shopped for things we…

Friday was good. Got 5 new SRs, which is not ideal, and I didn’t kill any of them. But I’m on queue all next week so probably it will smooth out. Still lots of feels from Shanda but it seems like we’re burning through them now – we accomplished shopping and prep for her date and a nice night together. Busy on Saturday. Shanda was anxiously motivated to do things like clean because of her date, but I think it worked pretty well given that. We got all sorts of things done that we haven’t been able to for weeks (or longer), without any tears. And all done by 3…

I had planned to write about the LI I did in therapy on Wednesday. I framed it in terms of oppression which in my mind is somehow about keeping middle-aged men in the wilderness alive against their will. I’ll tell a story where that makes sense, to the extent that the weird lives of 1%ers can ever make sense. But life is complicated and instead of writing Shanda and I fought about the way I care about mixed feels and how it’s hard to have safe boundaries when thinking about them feels like a violation and everything is tied up in old survival feels. I had good times today about…

My anxiety is up to medium today, and pretty detached. I’m not worried about anything in particular in my present life, but my brain spends a lot of time sort of reverse-engineering things to be worried about to rationalize my emotion. Often this is a sign that I’m anxious about something I am repressing, or that I did repress in the past. I’m doing okay but it’s hard to be focused on anything, and since there’s no obvious way to address the anxiety distraction feels like the most important thing I could be doing. This is all tolerable, so long as it doesn’t lead me into avoidance, but I’ll have…

Got to two meetings today, and through all my email. Still adding meetings to the week though, which could be better. Ate two real meals and walked with Dog. Did all my chores at home and planned and scheduled for the rest of the week. Painted one of my nails with the new polish; it came out great and I learned my fingers are not rated for 72W of top coat curing. Dog had a hard day and was reluctant to eat. While we were out he scarfed down about 2 pints of grass which he later laid out in a neat, aligned pile on my basement carpet. Then he…

I’d agree with Martin, that work aspires to share or mourn beauty. But I’m not sure the two are distinct. Grief and joy have a much more complicated relationship than the reciprocal nautre of positive and negative. Maybe I have to believe that because so much of my life and my work is grieving, or because when I was without grief I was also without beauty. But I suspect it’s not a unique experience. For a very long time I knew the beauty was not for me. My brain still knows this, and still recoils for a moment when beauty enters my perception, even if I have learned to often…

I’ve watched some Tucca & Bertie recently. I like it quite a bit. The world and drawing style are absurdist. The dialog is often explicit subtext and the animation dials up the surreal sometimes to pull that same style into the visual realm, which I think works great. It also tries hard to know what it’s saying about several different types of anxiety. Shanda watches Bertie and feels seen, with the fear of change and the dread of other people’s emotions. I’m more of an Arizona Trash Person than a Tucca, but I like the way people can’t see that she needs attention and reassurance, and that she’s seen as…

Had thinks about oppression. The way it demands that you deny it. The way it require you to not feel your own pain. Thought about the oppression of young people and of invisible parents. Practiced being okay after being hurt. Got a schmancy hot glue gun. Framed one of the paintings to keep. Talked about the way it can seem impossible to feel better until some future change in situation, and the way its so frustrating when that moment is delayed for any reason. Talked at C about culture and where it comes from. Ordered fancy food for the weekend. Watched an episode of 1999 Archer. And the last episode…