Closed out the week without doing any SR work. Had a meeting about BZ that will make my boss more calm. Not looking forward to the queue next week but I’m glad to have had a few weeks off – it has been rare in this job to ever feel like I get time to step away from SRs even when we rotate the queue. No robots today, as there were no classes. I used the time to see C and get some work done on the studio. Pulled the ancient and failing Radeon 5870 out of my old desktop and went down to one monitor. Cleaned up all the…

This week in therapy I poked at the way I believe the world is not safe. It’s apparently a belief I need to reframe to feel like a human. I don’t know how that’s supposed to work though, because I checked and it isn’t. “You can’t be abandoned as an adult” is a thing privileged people yell when they’re ignoring all the people our world abandons. But I did some LI work and poked at a feel I had earlier. I was super ashamed when I talked to DerbyK about suppressing vomiting, and you basically didn’t believe it was possible to exert significant control. But I know it is, because…

It’s been a while since I watched the first 3 seasons of Veronica Mars. Probably a decade – I watched some of it with Ben back in Ankeny. It started as a CW show, though it never fit the model very well; it’s a neo-noir about a hard-boiled private detective, which is not exactly the teen drama wheelhouse. But they cast Kristen Bell and told us she was in high school and we just dealt with it. They got her out of high school for season 2, which was an improvement, but they also did a decent job keeping the setting from limiting the show – a lot of it…

Mostly slept today, after Shanda and I both slept terribly last night. Skipped my morning meeting but felt okay about it. Shanda was having a hard time being busy instead of having feels, but by 3 PM or so we made progress on that front, and got some of those old feels pointed away from me. Worked through a Screed over the course of the day and got through shopping and dishes and other small backlogs. You talked about being 9 and not being allowed to have preferences or feels. About not feeling like you’re allowed to be a seperate person. About clothes in particular, but about identity in general.…

When we’re told that a certain emotion is bad – by our history or by the world – it’s easy to want to deny that it happens. It’s easy to look back at your day and say “I wasn’t busy because I got done with my list” or “I’m not stressed because all I did was a day job and chores”. It’s easy to see a hint of “bad” emotion and decide that it’s “just” some transient, external thing and not really the feel you’re afriad it might be. It’s easy to wait for our mood or the world to change while believing that will make all the difference. It’s…

It was still a lot of day today. Less than yesterday but also more of the same. Still suck enough to be slow and unfocused, even if I’m not to tired to walk or eat. Had a lot of trouble getting Shanda’s attention, to me or even yourself. Did eventually get your attention to my vision loss, after years of it being to scary for you to acknowledge. Had lots of writing to do – not here, obviously – and didn’t get done until late. But I did get done with most things I hoped to do: writing and eating and Dog care and even day job. Totally missed HA4H…

It was a lot of day. I’m slightly sick, which makes everything hard, and had to spend far too long getting help with it – had to abandon my first plan for the day because the pharmacy is required by policy to discriminate by gender. Eventually got that worked out but it ate all of my productive time and all of my day job time. Had a whole seperate medical interaction where someone carefully documented the slow acceleration of my progressive vision loss, after poking my eyeballs with a stick and asking questions that require me to describe not having contact with my family of origin. So that was fun…

I was going to write tonight. Got done early with that intent – packages and writing. But also got a UTI a few hours after helping Shanda with hers, so I’m a bit twitchy for any focused activity. I wish I had been symptomatic a few hours earlier, so we could have gotten treated at the same time instead of repeating all the steps a day later. I did make my morning meeting today though. And did gym for the first time in a while. I even took Dog to a new place for walking while we were out running about for Shanda. Made progress on packing and related activities.…

Spent far too long on Saturday doing day job. But I did close 7 SRs before the end of the quarter, which is great. Had a good evening though, after Shanda got home. Didn’t get much else done but did get to relax. Had some really good cheesesteak-like food, with only a small amount of no-recipe panic from Shanda. It was delicious and just made from things we had and with very low effort. I can help us make more such things if you agree to not hate me for improvising. There was still lots of being distracted this weekend. We’re not at the same insane level of stress that…

Today I watched two people I interact with regularly talk openly about their role in the patriarchy and how it empowers them to decide who gets medical care. I don’t question their motives. I’m sure they feel lucky to be able to obtain care for themselves and others. But the system they use to do it is about legal parents and maintaining the control of old, powerful people. It’s one of the ways we participate in institutionalized oppression. You can be happy that you have access to care, even under this oppressive system. We are all fighting for our lives. But you have to be fighting for a system that…