We’re defrosting the freezer for the first time since we moved here. It’s probably a metaphor. It’s a genuine sign of reduced food hoarding though. Of Shanda and I both working on it, which has never happened before. For some reason it got abandoned mid process but I’m still counting it as a full success. Missed robots Friday. It was a lot of day even without it. I wrote @Vi about dreams instead, then went to the drug store for a bunch of bits and gifts. Tried to get weed and supper with Shanda but it was sort of complicated. Shanda is so ashamed of drugs, which makes it hard…

I went to a physican today. Sort of for the first time in my life. I’ve seen physicians before to obtain specific treatments, though even that has been pretty minimal. But I went to see someone today with the intent of, I guess, figuring out how to use physicians. Someone who imagines that my trauma and related illnesses are relevant. It made me cry, but it went better than I expected. I’m still working on the feels about it. Got a call today. It made Shanda yell and run in excitement, to see it happen while I was away from my phone. To be fair she was already pretty keyed…

Got real messages from M, two days in a row. It makes a difference in how I feel. My brain tells me that means I’m too dependent, and that I must build some more space between us to be sure I don’t contaminate you. To be sure I don’t get used to it. It’s the part of my brain that believes my joy is your pain. But I’m trying to imagine it’s possible for me to be attached without being an unbearable liability to either of us. Not sure if I can believe it though. Not sure you’d want me to. Reading assignments for my therapist did help 1I sort…

Did gym today. The sauna is still busted and the staff basically says they aren’t going to fix it, at least not anytime soon. I’m gonna add sauna to my long term budget so someday I can do this in my garage instead of in some gender-segregated locker room across town. Then Shanda could come with and Dog could watch through the door. Dealing with some of Shanda’s gift feels today. They’re definitely adjacent to other recent big feels, but slightly more urgent given expectations about the calendar. You don’t want to think about gifts because you’ve got mixed feels, and one of them is pain. But we want to…

Someday I’ll have a story about sexual harassment and molestation and assault. I’m not keeping it from you, ashamed or unsure – I do not understand it well enough to tell it sensibly. Some of it is extra old 1Plus there’s a lot of Mother in the story, which will make people extra uncomfortable. But rending it consumable by others is step next, not step now. and all of it is resentfully repressed with decades of accumulation. But I watch you not be able to tell your not-sex stories, even though I can see they sometimes press on you. I sense you testing around the edges of it, noting it…

Talked to @Yana today, about Paramore and color, about confidence and the way our pasts can sap it from us, about writing and art heists and the way we imagine inspiration. I’ve been reluctant to show my attention, because people often don’t like it when I believe the things they say out loud. But @Yana met me right there when I pointed at her feel, and didn’t seem to hate me for it all. Did robots, though not until late because traffic was killer. Didn’t get a lot of work done personally, but did catch T so we could coordinate. Talked to S about the pineapple appearance at GeekGirlCon, which…

Back to GGC today. Some improvements from yesterday – better lunch for sure, with bloody meats and sugary drinking – but still plenty of challenge. I got to say hi to @RandomTuesday, who I have watched make a schmancy She-Ra costume on Twitch, and talk about her build for a second. Like everyone else they are disappointed in themselves for not being more done, but I though it was real good. I also found lots of good stuff and a few ideas as I wandered around the booths. Sat in a panel where rich white people who seemed unfamiliar with public schools talked about how Hogwarts had bad instruction practices,…

Did GeekGirlCon today. Lots of fun costumes and makeup, though the feels made it hard for Shanda to hold still and watch. Lots of earrings for sale too, and we did better with those. Some will certainly feature here eventually. Also found some interesting things to share. It wasn’t exactly smooth sailing though. While the overall stress level was kept pretty tolerable the togetherness rating was pretty low. Which is what you’d expect because there was a pretty high level of unattached anxiety that kept getting stapled to whatever activity was next on the itinerary. That did eventually get better, after the panels, but togetherness was still iffy. So good…

Robots today. Stubbed in some code to make DriveTo work with the internal PID. Who knows how that will make this thing drive, but we should at least be able to check. That whole system needs a rewrite, now that we’ve got a different class of base hardware, but this should work for now. I think the new config system will lend itself to new sensor loops, when we get there. Yelled an art heist at DerbyK, who teased a call but didn’t connect. Did only minor day job today, which was fine. Heard that S is officially retiring at the end of the year, which I hope will be…

Did HA4H today. I started out thinking I’d do day job while it happened, but I ended up disfracted with art planning, which I suppose is the point. We talked about what makes food New York-food, including the possible influence of water and microorganisms. Vi proposed that no true Scotsman judges a pizza by its toppings. BPS retorted that they can have whatever toppings they want because they are old. I silently judge them both because my pizza snobbery and WI origins let me know that cheese defines a pizza. We talked about saying no. We talked about nesting with plants and with dogs. I ranted about names and the…