I love Killjoys because it gives me this from imagined-daddy-as-internal-critic: “Could I really have convinced you to kill all those people if you were a normal child with normal feelings? Didn’t you ever wonder why you always said yes?” I know some of you worry about being a normal child with normal feelings. I was lucky enough to imagine that my feelings were perfectly normal, if incompatible with real humans like all other aspects of my life. But the general sentiment applies – the idea that the pain in your life is merely the rational outcome of your flawed existence. Did many day job things today, but not what I…

I finished an arts today. There are videos below, which you should watch now for context. I tried to do a pretty thing, which is new for me, and I’m pretty happy with how it turned out. It’s full of my usual reactive style too.In the Blue mode you can “charge” it by pointing it at another light source, or it’s own reflection, to make it slowly get brighter. If you leave it in the dark it slowly fades down to a twinkling ember. And if you touch the back of it you can charge it with your finger. In the Starburst mode you can touch it to expand the…

Shanda has been sort of sick for a while and extra sick on Sunday. It’s mostly better now but it has been a lot, and it’s still a little. You had to miss D&D on Sunday, which is unfortunate, but we jaggered you around and used you to lie to children and guards and dogs. There are lots of opportunities for that sort of thing in C’s new system. Dog is down too. He had been having some lameness in his front legs, but it has gotten much worse this past week and now he is standing on one leg and reluctant to climb up and down. We’ve got him…

I got back to writing a couple of days ago, but haven’t gotten back to this. For most of that time I was doing other things with my Screed time, but at a couple of points in there I got stuck in the trap of imagining that I want to “catch up” and fill in the gaps for the things I skipped in previous days. But that’s neither good art nor good reason. I will likely revisit parts of my last week, but my goal here isn’t to carefully document my entire experience. It’s to use writing to make my life – and when I can yours – better. It’s…

Made it to Portland. There was some panic right around the time the train left – C & Co were running pretty late, which was hard for Shanda to take. But they did show up, just before the train left, and we are now in a flatter town with more bridges. I didn’t pick the hotel but we’re staying right in Old Town, which is a good place for me and my midnight wandering. A fair amount of things are open even on a Thursday, if a bit hostile due to high homeless populations, and so there are people around to talk at while I wander. Tonight I talked about…

Did well back at the day job today. It’s nice to not have meetings to worry about. I got my one SR done – marked Resolved – with only an hour or so of research. Got a VM spun up for the BZ project and got a test run going. I should be in good shape for transfer automation tomorrow and for having no deadline work when I leave on Thursday. It was nice to not have anything to worry about yesterday: no work, no robots, no one available when I called. I got to sleep in myself and help Shanda get extra rest while she’s sick. I got to…

Dems and Reps agree that Bernie can’t be president, and everyone including Trump is afraid of him, at least when they can admit he exists. They also both agree to only switch sides every 8 years, so the Dems aren’t really trying to get elected this round, just to control some of the public attention. They’re running Pete and promised him real backing in 2024 (or maybe even later since he’s young by their standards) and in the mean time he’s a made man. Donnie needs to win the next election to feel good but doesn’t really like being president. The Reps don’t like him either but won’t risk moving…

I’m still sick today. Tolerable but makes sleep hard even though I’m tired. Makes me restless. I think I can close out my SRs today though, assuming no big new ones come in. Maybe I can get to a VM for the BZ project too. I don’t have any deadline work today so if I can find sleep I should be able to take it. Not sure if I’ll make the science center movie reception tonight though. I like going but it’s too much to be out and busy until 9 if I’m feeling sick. Not sure what today’s therapy topic is. Obviously we’re going to talk about trust, to…

My boss is on the BZ project again. I’m so frustrated that he wants to keep prodding at it, even when it’s clear no one cares. He’s worried in part because he’s sold this as my value to management, and so he wants a “win” to prove my worth. He also imagines that if you give people good information and guidance they will do the right thing. I know those are both silly plans, and not just from my cynicism – the data he claims people need is already available and no amount of pretty on my part will make them use it. I keep asking for a definition of…

We did art therapy on Saturday. In public. At a place known to trigger old feels. About a topic that required – still requires – much grieving. So there was resentment and anger and sadness and fear. There was restlessness and sore feet and tension and dry mouth and disappointment. But we did it. We went to a craft store and felt the old feels about being trapped in such a place, hungry and tried and overwhelmed and unable to leave. Choosing between being trapped and lonely at home or trapped and anxious here. Waiting for someone anxious who refuses to make a decision, preparing a for “project” you dreaded…