One Man Band

I did work today, but only from bed. New New SRs so far this week. I got stuck with one last week that still needs work but I should be able to progress it tomorrow. I’m also holding one I want to do more research on but the parent is closed so there’s no deadline there. Got my SSH bug committed to yet another branch, mostly avoided fire for a support case someone is trying to blame on the firewall, and in theory one of my teammates volunteered to move my laptop to the new office (though they did not report back one way or another). Got through RN review and managed to duck out of tomorrow’s release process. I’ve got 2 more on the books but one until next Tuesday. So I got enough work done and am in okay shape even after missing a day.

M had a tricky morning, but both felt supported in a way you usually don’t and were able to make changes to your day to help make it better. I thought it was great to see you skipped class even before I knew why, and even better once you talked about it. Shanda did too – she made happy care noises just on the report of your intentional absence. I’m sorry things started tough but I’m really excited that you are able to make them a bit better. Good for you.

You also shared a little bit of regular life with me, at least retrospectively, and suggested some media I could use for further discussion (which I’ve already made plans to review). You hinted at future plans and your excitement to integrate others into them. And you were kind enough to take up a hard topic that’s important to me – and precious to you – which I really appreciate.

I continued chatting at @BPS on YouTube, in the thread about how the form of embodiment can influence my acceptance of self-expression. They had suggested Takio as a form of expression that had strong physical embodiment and that they had seen help someone who struggled with a similar issue. I’m not sure I can be convinced to self-identify as a percussionist – though I do see why Takio in particular might be good with its focus on constrained but artistic physical form – but it did give me the thinks.

I used to do all sorts of performance things that involved my physical existence. Singing and dancing and honking and marching and even some acting. But none of it was ever self-expression for me. Not the performance, not the music, not the moving. There were social aspects of some of the groups that I liked, but all the actual doing was for other reasons. I performed because Mother demanded performance and school versions gave her the entertainment and bragging she needed in a context that was difficult for her to demand independently (i.e. it was harder for her to ask for a performance as a party trick). In that context the music or movement or whatever was all just a technical task I needed to master to make participation possible. I didn’t imagine that I even liked it, just that I should practice enough to make it not super hard. It was just a chore I did to try to make other parts of my life better.

And so I stopped almost all of it as soon as the demand ended. I own a horn but never play. My landlord gave me a piano and I did spend some time practicing after I had it tuned up, but I wasn’t recovered enough for that to possibly work – I still probably am not. Piano has a lot of layers of trauma, even though it’s a thing I have studied and would genuinely like to improve. Mother played herself. The kids got lessons, which were often used as punishment like anything else, but I didn’t even get the offer. 5-year-old me got an intermediate piano book and a lot of criticism when I tried to do the lessons, and then forbidden from touching the thing after we moved.

But I did sketch with markers today, which I feel like is a a decent push toward the idea of my physical self-expression. I even went for a second sheet of sketching and iterated to improve my ability to create what I wanted. It wasn’t exactly comfortable, but I managed to hate it less than I would have in the past. I managed to do it at all.

I poked @BPS about their video about research by people who don’t follow the standard academic forms. I’ve been trying to imagine my next job might be something that better appreciates my research. It’s a thing I do in my current job but nobody cares – unless I build a tool that solves this week’s problem no one wants to understand the question I posed and refined or to talk about how organizational behavior at all (except to demand compliance). I do all the bits of research to accomplish my day job but am evaluated on none of that. Part of the reason @BPS appeals to me is by helping me see how research could be a day job without being lab work or academia, and I’m excited to see them explore the topic more directly.

Dog got washed today. He’s fluffy again. He’s already pretty soft for a dog but he’s extra soft when he’s been brushed and conditioned. His chest hair actually looks soft, like a stuffed animal. I suspect he sort of hates the process of getting cleaned – he seems a little stressed today – but I sure like clean Dog.

I am finally starting to feel like I’m healing after the fall. I’m down to only 1 open skin wound. The rest are still sensitive but no longer serious wounds. My back is getting better too, and I was able to sit at the table for a good 40 minutes today. There’s still no bending but I can provide some muscle support for sitting in position other than “embedded in a pillow nest”.

Got Alex’s box out. It has things in it I know she’ll like even though we havent talked to each other for 20 years. She’s still not a safe person to talk at, but she is less dangerous than she was. And I’m more resilient. I also do want her to make me that costume coat I was promised half a year ago. Also this is the first year our name days April 29 and 30, and I’m trying to build the idea of name day with people. We’ll see how it goes. Probably no change.

@MMF used face colors today in the way I sort of always imagine them – not as a thing that will lead to social judgement but as a thing that protects me from being misunderstood (including misunderstanding myself): https://www.instagram.com/p/Bwm561rBpCK/

@Vi suggested this game, which I haven’t played yet but look real pretty: https://store.steampowered.com/app/715560/Eastshade/ They describe it as a “first-person painter” RPG where instead of shooting all your problem you do art to them. I’m definitely going to check it out.

Shanda had some trouble today with feelings about emergency preparedness and how it’s not for you. But you did do some practice and I think start to build some confidence that you would be able to do something to help, even if that’s just getting other help. There are lots of reasons I need help that aren’t emergencies, but staring there will at least give me a little safety about literally dying because no one will help me.

I also pushed again on taxes, since it continues to be a point of avoidance for you, and because it has real consequences. We got there eventually but it didn’t go great. There was a point in the middle where there were sides and you picked one that wasn’t mine and all the pain was my fault. And that was already after the part where I risked myself by attempting to help engage with a thing you said you want to accomplish. I think between the two topics there were maybe insights into the required elements of giving help, and the benefits of choosing to receive it.

Ben poked me today, and asked for actual help with a thing. Not right now but I think it’s likely to happen eventually. I poked J to see if they were still a human. It’s been a little while now with no evidence to support that theory. C poked me about making Friday plans but I ignored them – I think I don’t want to for schedule reasons but I need to spend a minute reflecting on my reasons to be sure I’m not just blowing them off for fear/trauma reasons. I again ignored Cowboy after you reached out days ago. I know it’s nothing urgent but I should avoid avoidance just like I tell everyone else to.

Therapy tomorrow, but otherwise hopefully a slow day (baring more SRs – I am on queue). I’m gonna see if there’s an LI exercise that will help me advance the plot on my bodily self-hated. Something to peel off a layer so I can see the next disgusting trauma feel that’s holding me hostage. Or at least find better vocabulary so I can talk about it without people thinking it’s a social fear.

ZiB

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Sent from a phone.