Missing You

Today for what I believe is the first time in at least a quarter century I actually felt reassured merely to hear someone speak, after having missed them greatly. We didn’t get to speak except to reschedule, but it moved me nonetheless, on the faith and investment in that relationship, and connected me with a feeling I have long been without.

In many instances processing trauma is about being able to let go of the past, and to accept how things are right now. In complex trauma one of the issues is the way you teach yourself to accept ongoing oppression and abuse, not in ignorance but for practical survival. You don’t have to repress or avoid or even fear if you just change yourself into a person who who can be satisfied with what is. You can pay attention and tolerate the pain and figure out later how to survive. It’s a great coping skill to master, but not one a toddler should wield unsupervised. Because when I was 5 I used it to give up missing things. Not to give up a specific thing, but to give up wanting to keep anything in the first place.

But today I did. I had positive feels about missing a thing – about being attached – instead of the usual ones I have about endless abandonment.

ZiB

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Sent from a phone.