Many Partings
Penelope died today. M’s first pet, or at least the first one in your own home. A long overdue friend in a life that had kept you so isolated. And for a while my pet too, just a couple of months after Dog became my first furry friend. A tiny fuzzball to hold while I was away from Dog, while he was lost in the woods on the other side of the country.
Penny was a rodent of special magnificence, at least to us. I know she was a catalyst for your healing and invested with so much of your care and attention. Everyone loves their pets of course, but Penny gave you a focus toward self-compassion that you had been missing for a long time. That helped you become a person you like more.
As a fellow a prey animal Penelope was so anxious as to make even us feel calm by comparison. But still she tolerated our shenanigans, and trusted us enough to snuggle into us for protection. And she was so very soft. She taught me that I could have soft things, or at least that I could touch them without ruining them. That I could like it being soft instead of feeling monstrous about it. That I could touch a living thing continuously for an hour and not have it harmed by my mere proximity.
I had never considered persistent physical contact with Dog before I met Penny. Afterward I was able to see how he sometimes wants to sleep pressed against me. I’m still working on touch with humans but P was an important step in deciding that I could try. In seeing that with training I could learn to tolerate or sometimes even enjoy it.
And of course it makes me think of the ways you helped me get Dog. Who has helped me like Penny helped you. I’ve wanted a dog – any pet really, but specifically a dog – for decades. You are very much a reason I have one. That I finally believed I could be good enough to take care of one. That I felt like he could like me without being brainwashed. He’s teaching me to imagine I am not such a terrible person. Just as you are.
Dog was upset today, at the same time I heard this news. He spent a lot of the night being sort of inconsolable. He had a hard day, vomiting this morning and unable to calm himself while I ate super. Shanda and I were little help – he did not want our reassurances and we were both having our own hard days. About M and P and our own therapy feelings from earlier in the day, all coming together over the course of a couple hours. Hopefully tomorrow is better for all of us.
Goodbye Penny. You were loved. We’re sad to have to miss you now. We’re afraid for the loss and pain that love will bring us in the future. We’re afraid that we cannot protect those that we love. But we loved you while you were here. You mattered to us. And you leave us with hope we wouldn’t have had without you.
ZiB
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Sent from a phone.
