Lunar Escape
Talked about fleeing today in therapy. The way it feels so attractive to me when stress is high. The way I imagine it would help other people. The fear I have about situations where I can’t easily flee, like being on a boat. Fear about how I still don’t know how to take anyone with me when I inevitably have to do it.
I know that if I ever lose control of myself I won’t survive. Someone has to be ready to make decisions and manage the situation even when things are really bad. Even when I’m barely holding on. I don’t have the privilege of being overwhelmed.
I know that even kind, smart, well-meaning people can’t help me. Mostly people won’t see the real issue – they might see a problem and want to do something, but they don’t check to see what I actually need, or what impact their “help” will have. And if they do see the problem they still can’t help. It’s too expensive to help – there’s too much pain between where I am and someplace that’s tolerable, and no one is prepared to face it.
I know that it’s dangerous for anyone to see me need help. For fear they might try. For fear they will offer “help” that just gets me punished. Or that they’ll refuse me help because it’s too expensive. Or that they’ll be disgusted or overwhelmed by and unable to even look me in the eye.
Certainly this is better now that I’m old. When I was a minor the oppression of the state and the patriarchy was more direct. When I didn’t have a place to be inside, or access to medical care, only my assigned owners would be allowed to help. If anyone else tried the state would intervene and force me to give up anything I had gained. So it had to be secret. No one could no I needed food or warmth or support of any kind. I am no longer subject to parental legal authority but I still often can’t get the help I need. And I can’t really imagine a world where it was possible.
This is part of the reason I can’t use physicans. They didn’t help me when I needed it. Even when they knew I needed help and told me they’d provide it they didn’t. And so I learned to hide from them, so they wouldn’t notice how I need help, and wouldn’t invoke the wrath of the patriarchy against me for the crime of being abused.
Shanda had lots of therapy feels too. About job mostly. And maybe an inch on budget too. Budget is another place where I have feelings about fleeing – about how I can’t flee and keep stealing effectively from capitalists.
Had sad feels about M’s hard time yesterday. It’s a lot to get through, even if the getting through is a good outcome. Shanda had some sad too. Not sad for you or about you, but just with you. Just noticing it and being okay with it.
Got might bedside power reorganized into a single adapter, down from three. Reset some storage locations to their pre-Melissa condition. There are still child safety locks for things in my house to keep Melissa from breaking and stealing and abusing them. This included battery packs, which I fixed today. I also halved the number of power adapters in my travel kit, and did some wire organization. So a good day for feeling organized and efficient.
Probably lots of other things too. But not tonight. Tonight you just get Gina DeVivo and Luna.
ZiB
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Sent from a phone.
