Literary Abandon

The last one of these was not done when I clicked send. It didn’t even have a title. But I changed my mind after it sent. These are all unfinished and some days they should be only the first thing my brain is yelling about when I go to bed.

I did have a hard time with name day things. Made harder because I’ve been trying to mitigate that outcome for weeks but it feels like I wasn’t able to make any difference. Like I have to keep very low expectations for it getting better. Also hard because the parts I was hoping to do and maybe like – things I might be able to use to build a positive association – didn’t make the day’s priority list. For me the day was being alone and the same performance I have always hated and hours of trying to make myself be seen with little success. Certainly better than past experiences but it’s still hard to imagine the day as a thing I’d like to repeat.

M is doing a step better. Not a ton – I’m sure things are still very difficult to manage – but it sounds like death has been pushed back for at least a couple of days. I hope you are able to complete your other plans for the week with diminishing levels of disruption. Remember to make time for the things that make your day and week go better, even when they aren’t productive, even when you’ve got other important things to do. It’s worth the time to plan and do them specifically because things feel so far behind schedule. And you can have help with any of it, even if you’re not sure what that looks like.

Watched all of Dropout’s “Total Forgiveness”, almost in one sitting. It’s very nearly too reality TV for me, but I like the framing of the show much better. And they decide to stop being terrible by the end, which makes it 1.7k times better. It’s also got sensible messaging about student debt which is pretty good for a show that could be about petty greed. I think it works best if you know Grant and Ally, so it may not be for everyone, but it was much better TV than I expected.

Lots of work tomorrow. I need to ditch some SRs and get through the checklists I ignored last week. I’ve also got C coming over for the second day in a row for homework help. We managed to skip D&D today but I did several hours of robot homework. And the gym. And Dog, since Shanda is gone until late tomorrow. So I’ll by busy all day and well into night. I should try to grab something for supper before I head up from downtown, so I don’t have to figure it out later. Tuesday off will be very welcome.

My back is recovering well. I can walk more or less normally now, though I’m still sensitive to jostling. I’m still weak and stiff but I feel like I’ve got most of my range of motion back. And all my skin bandages are off. I’m going to gym tomorrow, and I’ll try to make sure that’s a good idea as practiced. I think I can safely used cable stacks so long as I go easy. Shanda’s gone so I’ll have to make more active choices anyway, instead of just following along.

DerbyK seems to be having a great time at matches, and in general traveling a bit. It’s good to see. You’ve had plenty of stress recently and I’m glad there are other parts that poke through. I hope that trend continues, and that you’re able to see a whole that you like in spite of the hard bits it includes

Ben finally got back online. Upstream failure not related to the cross link or local network. That and no monitoring tools across a complex and unreliable system. I think I can do something about monitoring if I go sit up there and type for a few hours. No idea when I might schedule that given my present calendar. Also, all driving. Even if I take the train it’s a long way out from Bellingham. But it’s good he’s back online.

Thought some more about how I imagine medical care as treatment to control my mood and reaction to bodily dysfunction. And about how I’m actually really good at that one part, even though I’m good at it via a specific kind of avoidance and detachment. It’s a more sensible take on how I was worried a out this issue when I started with thisy current therapist. I am capable of great detachment from my body, in the terrible party trick sort of way. But that doesn’t mean I am not paying attention to it at all.

I’m very aware of how my body is affecting my mood at any given moment and actively regulate many parts of that to minimize the impact. That’s often a neutral or even good reaction, but I should do it in ways that aren’t limited to mental endurance. I should do it with food and rest and painkillers and all the other parts I imagine I only need once my endurance runs out. That I image are intended to keep me calm while healing slowly happens by itself. And it’s a distinction that might make me feel less pushed around by presumptions that don’t quite fit me.

CollegeHumor did “How to Sound Smart”: http://www.collegehumor.com/video/40004223/how-to-sound-smart which made me think of the paper I turned in 8 times in high school. The canonical version of mine is titled “Life is Like a Matching Band”, but I turned in 7 other versions that just search-replaced those two nouns. It turns out the nonsense in between the parts that sounds smart is essential invisible, at least to my instructor at the time. Like so much of my young life that class was not only a waste of time but actively bad for me in like 11 ways. Fraking schools.

Stories about tragedy that I had to read in school were a cruel punishment for me. They were never about things as bad as what I lived, but I was told without question they were worse than anything I had ever experienced, or likely ever would. I felt inhuman when I wasn’t shaken by the loss described in a book that I was told spoke to universal humanity. Clearly I’m a narcissistic robot for being unmoved by the story and unable to stop obsessing over my own, lesser bad feelings. This is a thing people could have seen and at least told me about, even if they weren’t going to help – the faire tale of young people being protected from pain and able to access support hurt me a lot.

Thought about how I’m trying to prove that you have help available, and to make it actually happen in places that you don’t. I know it will take repeated positive exposure to be something you can really believe. That’s true for me too. I’m so used to not having support in certain that I can’t imagine it’s a safe thing to even want let alone depend on. I want to help you so I can someday feel like I might have support myself. I want it believe that I’ll figure out how to train people to do the weird things I need to feel human.

I had hoped to get some cutting and sewing done tomorrow while Shanda is out, but that seems unlikely. It will be hard enough to accomplish supper. If I can get through some day job I might be able to do it Wednesday or Thursday afternoon. For now, sleep, to make tomorrow as tolerable as is plausible.

ZiB

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Sent from a phone.