Lingering Lemon Lipstick
Did 13 minutes of day job today, contrary to company policy. But it’s good for my numbers, as well as my fells about going back to work next week. Made plans to meet an old boss this Thursday and see if they have ideas about how this day job use me less painfully, or about how to insert myself into alternative markets where that might be possible. I’ve never talked to an old boss before. I don’t really keep things.
Talked about the social rigors of new jobs – or current ones – in therapy today. One of the ways day jobs are hard for me is that even “safe” small talk tends to reveal things about my life that people are uncomfortable with. This requires then that I perform in some way – either lie about having a life people find more tolerable, distract from the mundane with some entertainment you’re prepared to offer, or withdraw enough to avoid questions they don’t really want answered. I can do this. I even sometimes like it. But I can’t do it all the time, and I can’t do it along with a lot of other day job – it’s a lot of work. It’s also lonely, because it makes relating as a genuine human very unlikely. All of which feels like a burden that will increase in a different job, one where I haven’t yet taught everyone to ignore me.
I don’t really want another job anyway. I’m gonna do something different. But it is still useful for me to more carefully understand the way I am taxed by inter-drone relations. I want to imagine a life where it’s less work to perform the social role expected of me. That’s one of the reasons contract work seems attractive – the idea that I can have an end date for the shitty relationships capitalism forces on me.
Ben continues to imagine he has no reactions while shouting at me about how there’s nothing wrong. I’m doing better about it, now that I’ve grieved the need to protect myself. It’s still real sad though. I could help lots of people in situations like his, but it’s tough for me to help him.
Talked with DerbyK today, about the many paths to robust protection. Decided to skip PSC matching for 2019. Finished Euphoria. Planned my last week off. There are some heist goals I’d like to run by you, to see if I’m pointed in the right direction, and some bits you wanted to do together. But it has been challenging, to make that feel safe enough to advance. Maybe tomorrow though. Or the next day. I’m persistent.
Got results from my colonoscopy. The bits the pulled out are low risk for cancer, but they want to do additional testing for crohn’s disease and similar inflammatory disorders. Which apparently invokes drinking less (but still a lot of) glycol and swallowing a camera. I’m not enitely convinced it matters; I’m not sure there’s anything to do with those test results. But should see what it involves before I dismiss it.
ZiB
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Sent from a phone.
