Life as an Exercise in Resume Buliding and Other Forms of Self-Abuse

Worked a bit today. More than yesterday but less than is necessary to finish the things that people want done this week. I think I’m gonna split the difference and get one of the two big ones done, and punt on the SR I’m still holding. I was thinking today about how I was “not further behind than yesterday” and about the endless demand for higher productivity (without higher pay) that is demanded of us from capitalism. I think my goal should actually be slightly lower. I /should/ be slightly further behind today than yesterday, and more tomorrow. I should punt more and more things to keep my workload constant and my backlog nearly empty. If I find an efficiency improvement I should keep it for myself, not surrender it to my employer. And I should never feel like I’m getting behind because I do not care – must not, if I hope to avoid being abused – about F5’s goals.

V reached out to quell my fears, which I really appreciate. And you recommended a book about life without hierarchy – against hierarchy – and the value of failing, particularly under hegemonic systems. The Queer Art of Failure (J. Jack Halberstam). I’m only aboit 15% in so I’ll save reaction for a more complete view, but it cites Foucault¹A person from the recent past who spent a lot of time imagining that the world would be better if we looked for and destroyed all power structures. He very much appeals to my bias against hierarchy, colonialism, patriarchy, family, gender, credentials, etc. Worth reading on many topics, and popular enough to be available in … Continue reading quite a bit, which is a good sign in my opinion. I’m generally a fan of Foucault even if they are prone to purely relativistic definitions; it works for physics so I don’t know why it can’t work for ethics, and it appeals to my “always better” philosophy. Most recently I’ve read Discipline and Punish: The Birth of the Prison, which I think is a useful perspective on why “prison reform” will never be sufficient – we don’t need laws for better prisons, we need a society that doesn’t – can’t – tolerate imprisonment in the first place.

V also had a perspective on what I talked about as perfection. I’m still chewing on it a bit but it definitely helped me see I was being too narrow in my claims. As did the book recommendation. I talk to Shanda about perfection because that’s how you imagine it. I talk about my “perfectionism” because that’s part of the system of analysis that’s widely tolerated. But I mean something much broader. Soemthing that’s not about failure or success or mistakes or achievements. Not even about expectations or definitions of sufficiency. It’s about how “trying” is a dynamic process necessary in figuring out what you want. About how trying isn’t something you repeat until you clear the bar set for you but is the system by which you set the bar. I’m still only on the edge of being able to share but I’m glad it’s a thing I’m poking at.

Shanda offered some insight too, on why it’s hard to share, and the space between how people admire my understanding of continuous improvement but feel overwhelmed when they consider it for themselves. How I see giving up perfection as a relief, and others agree that it is for me, but see the same action on their own behalf as distressing. You didn’t have time for much introspection but just the idea that you wanted some on the topic was useful to me. Again I don’t have (or really want) an answer to that question but I am working on a better way to share my understanding and the freedom it provides me.

I’m sure some of you have seen this, but I wanted to share @CGP’s guide to misery. It’s worth checking in once in a while to see how good you’re doing keeping your life pointed squarely at disappointment: 
https://youtu.be/LO1mTELoj6o

Back to the gym, keeping up my streak. I was worried that I wouldn’t be up for 5 a week but it turns out I’m the only one who is. I’d love some company, and I’d have a little easier time believing exercise good if it didn’t seem so hard for others to believe, but it’s going okay regardless. I’ve been trying a thing where I write between intervals and that works to break up the time and keep me alternately focused and distracted in a way that works for both purposes, at least well enough for this week. Plus the sauna. I’m gonna miss that.

Got something better than a taco today, for the first time in months. I’m slightly afraid to call it out for fear it will also be the last, but it’s too exciting not to share. It’s the sort of thing that makes me feel safe and I was so happy to get some in this week where I’m keeping busy trying not to worry about moving back to Seattle. It’s going to be a lonely trip west and some nervous times rebuilding my long-distance patience, and things like this will really help.

Added a new face to The Screed today. I haven’t picked a moniker yet, as I don’t yet know you. I know you’ve got a professional callsign, and that might suit, but I’m gonna give it a minute before I decide. You are all welcome to make suggestions if you’ve got any – I like to talk about choosing names. In any case, welcome. I’m still a little uneasy at about the potential to imbalance publishing against directed composition but it’s not going to break anything today.

I’m nervous about therapy tomorrow. I’m prepared for the possibility that I will fire this therapist, but I’m worried that I won’t feel like I exerted the right control to make that decision. That’s not really sensible – I have not duty to this person and the fact that it doesn’t feel supportive to me is sufficient – but it’s so hard for me to expect real support. And I’m worried that I will never find something that works like I think it should, or at least like others tell me it should. There’s nothing to be done but give it a try and to demand that it be better. It’s what I expect of myself.

ZiB

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Sent from a phone.