Leaving? Staying? All I Know is I Keep Going.

I’ve started reading If I Was Your Girl (Meredith Russo) on M’s recommendation¹I will read or watch basically anything you guys recommend. And then talk about it; I like to talk about media we share. I built a whole theater about it that idea, and shared all my media digital media to make it easier to do remotely.. I’m five chapters in; it seems to be about survival and fear and abandonment and isolation and the abuses rendered upon us by the hierarchies of illegitimate systems if power. Which is sort of my thing. I also like that there’s a character named B in it, because that’s what I call Shanda’s B IRL. I’m pretty sure I’m allowed to like things for such reasons without becoming a narcissist, even though my feelings disagree. But I think it fits I to the same category as favorite colors, and those are a thing you can have without being a monster.

I’m getting nervous about travel again. And about the end of my long weekend and being on the queue this weem. About not having achieved the right things while I was here. Not getting enough chores done before I leave them all with Shanda again. At the same time, taking about too many household things and making Shanda not want to see me.

Even today at 2PM on my last day at home, most them without any day job, I haven’t had more than a couple hours in a row with my wife. This very moment I’m out with Dog, imaging that if I get all my chores done and let Shanda get through all the things she planned with B and Moneka and PodCon and for herself that I’ll be able to spend some time with her. I’m only going for a few days this time but it still feels like I’m somehow doing it wrong and missing out as a result. Like if I had planned better I would have been able to do it right and make everyone happier. I know that’s not really true but it sure feels like it as I get close to leaving again.

I talked with E today. You replied to a part of The Screed that seemed interesting to you and we discussed it in more depth. It’s how I imagine this might work, when I do sharing and go first and present a variety of topics (albeit through the lens of my perception). So I’m not a million miles from the way this is supposed to work²I’ve made my whole life into The Honesty Game. It only sometimes works..

I think there is more The Screed today, but I’m going to send this now rather than sitting on it.

ZiB

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Sent from a phone.