Kondescending Karens

Sick today. Nothing serious but enough to make sleep hard and to keep me tired and uncomfortable. Skipped most of work (other than minor updates to SRs). Sometimes felt bad about the concept my brain invents about getting behind in a busy week but mostly was fine about it. Laid in bed all day and am still tired.

Dog got cleaned today, which was inconveniently timed but otherwise pretty nice, as fighting with him for a bath isn’t fun. Got a box of LEDs and associated bits for upcoming projects. Got tickets for L’s show on Saturday, which should be good fun itself and is an excuse to go out to supper.

Got my first release-day film in a long time — Booksmart (2019). I used to get all the movies but then it became hard to watch them for all sorts of reasons. Some of those reasons were obvious at the time — for example, Melissa made everything hard, and I’ve picked up other things to do during the time that used to be movies — but others were less straightforward. It’s still tricky at times and still has lots of unresolved feels, but it’s a thing I want to get back to. I’ve realized recently that carefully watching movies was one of the few ways I felt like I could have art in my life without being hurt by the interaction (and without hurting others). I could sit and watch a movie in front of other people and have thinks and feels about it and never let anyone know. It wasn’t safe to share about or to create for myself, but I could at least watch and not be punished for it.

I’ve also been able, when people let me, to communicate through the shared experience of a film in a way that wasn’t available in words. Often I can tell a story to frame a film that lets people have their own experience in whatever version of safety they need and still hear my message and eventually feel seen by the way I picked it out of a film they could connect with. It’s one of the few ways I’ve been able to communicate with my siblings. I’m sort of sad that it’s been so hard for some of you to share with me. But part of that is my own set of issues, so we’ll start by dealing with those and getting my vocabulary back up to speed so I have more messages to send (and from movies that aren’t so old). Maybe I’ll do LI at it in therapy tomorrow and see if anything pops out.

I got Booksmart because it has Kaitlyn Dever in, and she’s been great in things like Short Term 12 (2013) and Justified (FX). Also because I’ve been thinking about high school — robots is starting ¹Which among other things means I’ll have more opportunities to fight with school administrators, one of my favorite ways to harass the institutional roots of the patriarchy., Shanda has been having all the school feels, and I’ve been part of more back-to-school shopping and discussion this year than the last 10 combined. And I’m a sucker for character-driven takes on old tropes; the coming-of-age one-night-to-party film is not new but I’m hoping the female and queer take will be authentic. I doubt it will spend a lot of time engaging with my burn-the-system-down yearnings or deliver any sort of what-are-you-willing-to-lose conflicts about getting what you want, but it might have something to say about how it’s possible to be part of the system without hating yourself. Or it might suck. I haven’t seen it yet.

Talked with M today about the pain of being an invisible parent and the entitlement of “real” parents. Good talks on a hard subject. It’s easy for me to want to rage against old people who imagine that A) it’s impossible to learn how to be a good human without being assigned an infant B) that it was acceptable for them to be dickbag humans before that point C) that anyone with a parenting experience different from theirs doesn’t count because D) they are better than you because of this perceived distinction. There are lots of old people who fit that model and many more who are happy to let them. They claim to know this you could not but don’t care to share them or to hear about the things you do know or to subject their “wisdom” to examination by anyone without the right color credentials. They claim that the act of parenting gives them special privilege but refuse to grant that privilege to anyone that wouldn’t have it by other means. They are part of the most fundamental bits of the patriarchy and the foundation of many of its harms and are proud of that fact instead of repulsed by it. And for some reason we don’t even exclude them from roles where their poor humanity is likely to have wide influence, let alone the harm they do to the young people in their exclusive care.

Remember that like Ginger Rogers I’ve done all the hard things you’ve done but I did them when I was an orphaned 10-year-old living in a concentration camp. So have some of you. You’re allowed to yell that at Karens when they need some perspective ²Also I’d be happy to use my privilege as an old white dude, and my skill as someone who knows how to make middle-aged women cry about their own sad lives without even raising my voice, to offer my own perspective at any Karen you designate. I have sadder stories than most humans (and sadder than 100% of Karens) and I know how to argue only when … Continue reading. Or at least to silently judge them if yelling isn’t a thing that would help.

ZiB

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