Individually Frosted Eyes
One reason I can’t make recent episodes go is because I’ve got lots of side comms. Complicated individual correspondence that occupies the same brain space. Which is good, overall, even if it cuts in here a bit. And there’s the maladaptive learning thing I can’t quite write yet, holding on to some of that space too. So I have a fair deal of diverted attention. It makes me feel stuck sometimes, to not be offering distilled revelation. But I shouldn’t imagine this is the only place I need to do that, or that it’s the only reason I work here. I worry sometimes that missing today’s lesson means I lost something, but I shouldn’t imagine my life or mind as so transient.
Started moving the guest bedroom, as part of finally rebuilding after Melissa. It’s been too long already. For a while I’ve had money saved for a fancy wall bed, but it’s been hard to get going on the project. And now it feels a little hard to spend the money there instead of using it to keep my general finances balanced, but I want to get the mattress off the floor, and I want a wall bed so I can still have a guest bedroom when we move someplace smaller. Starting the project also makes me worry about things like moving the exhaust fan and installing a ceiling fan, even though in reality I’ve done each of those several times in the his house and it’s likely this version would come off fairly well and easily. I’m glad to be going on the project though, regardless of my anxieties.
Moderate success on the rest of the day. Got the tea shelf done and already in-use. Maybe needs some wire management since it’s got an appliance on it, but it’s good to have done and should make tea an easier thing for Shanda to build into a routine. We had good times most of the day, started strong before noon, and got a bunch of cool things done separately and together. But also pushed too hard on several fronts and ended up exhausted and cranky. And I still have too many things on my to-do list, since my priority for staying sane and my priority for getting done don’t currently match. It’s fragile, trying to balance between doing enough to keep your life going and doing so much that you can’t enjoy it.
Watched M work to point themselves at better days, with pretty good success. I know it’s still a long walk between where you are and someplace you can relax, but I’m glad you were able to break out of your routine and engage with something different. I think it will help. Do it again today.
I played with some of the new colors [fig 1,2]. The dark blue from yesterday’s package and it went on so nice when I tried it that I was inspired to do more. And later I played with the tinted grey goo, on the lid of my other eye [fig 3,4], though I couldn’t be bothered to shape that as carefully. I think I’m finally getting a better handle on actually making color stick to my face in approximately the shape I hope for.
Watched Doctor Who S11E10 “The Battle of Ranskoor Av Kolos” and figured out some of the reasons this Doctor is for me. All the Doctors are configured to counter the threat of violence with luck and charm and yelling something clever; it’s the basic shape of the show. But this one does hers in the way I imagine my charismatic skill actually works, wherein she isn’t ever fighting with anyone. A dude with a gun pop up and makes a threat, and she see a terrified person who needs help. She came here to help, knowing terrified people were around and decides that you’re one of them. She finds an important object she doesn’t understand and just wanders around with it openly asking people to explain why they want it so badly while they threaten her about it. She doesn’t trade on secrecy with cheeky misdirection; when someone asks who she is or what is happening she introduces everyone and explains why she’s there, which is usually to figure out why things are currently so bad. In this episode one of her teammates tells her about how he doesn’t want to engage in violent revenge — tells her about his mixed feelings despite insisting his mind is made up; she willingly assumes the role of authority and allows him to imagine a conflict with her so that he can externalize his mixed feelings and convince himself to be better. It pushes them apart and makes her responsible for him, but it also saves him from himself eventually, because she’s willing to believe the thing he told her he wants even while he’s not living it. It’s the sort of charismatic hero I’d like to be in the D&D game, if only our GM could imagine that honest interactions could change people’s minds. That I’d like to be in real life.
I think I found the right question with J. Got an enthusiastic response with an exclamation point and everything. Now I have to actually do the thing I promised. It’s not very different than what I’m already doing, but it feels like a new thing I don’t know how to do. A non-trivial portion of my life is motivated by my desire to not be a hypocrite after I tell people I believe a thing would be good. It’s one of the ways I translate from knowing the right answer to living a life where’s it’s true. And it requires your help. When you don’t interact with me I can make increasing wild claims here and never have to prove them, but we’d both be better people if you made me prove it sometimes.
ZiB
