Impossible Game

One reason I felt like I could never have a dog – when I was young but persistent to today – is that I couldn’t reliably keep a dog safe. My life was too terrible to be sure that a dog would even survive, let alone that it would feel well enough to be my friend. I imagined I might have one when I escaped, that if we lived in the forest he’d at least be safe from other people, have access to scavenged food, and able to leave me when he figured out how bad I was for him. These days my life is plenty safe for a dog. There isn’t anyone around who would hurt him and I have food on hand to keep him alive for a non-trivial portion of the rest of his life. I still worry that he’d be happier if I let him leave, though it’s unclear to my smart brain where he’d go or how it would be better — he’s allergic to most food and gets so excited when I come home that he literally can’t hold still. Regardless, my feels are sure people and dogs are only around me because they’re trapped, and that I can best serve them by helping them escape whatever aspect of their life includes me. That the one thing everyone needs to be free of is me, so finally they can be happy and safe.

I went on a hike with E on Wednesday, since parks don’t discriminate like gyms. Brought Shanda and Dog and took Dog’s first bus ride ¹Dogs are allowed on Seattle buses at driver discretion. Dogs that aren’t held by the owner are officially supposed to pay their own adult fare. And if you search for Seattle bus dog you can see a dog who rides the bus by itself.. It was good to walk someplace with less cars and more plants. And it was good to feel like it was possible to travel with Dog. He was a little hyper on the bus but not too much to handle, and he’d probably do better next time. Also got to chat with E, which was one of the goals. I told sad stories because those are the only kind I ever tell, and you told me about a cartoonish rodent. We talked about a purpose-built mandoline and methods of escape. And you got me to walk about 6.5 times as much change in altitude as I would generally select for myself.

Did none work today, not even email. Feeling fine about it. I want to get some release notes updated for my own convenience but that’s only 6 minutes of work, which is about right for a Friday. I did get to robots, where I did exactly none work, other than having S worriedly try to convince me about a specific point of technical design I don’t have any investment in. And searching the glasses wall several times for a slot that turns out to be right next to the one I don’t use.

Sort of missed E at robots. You were leaving early, I was arriving late and distracted, and I didn’t make the effort to connect. Sorry.

I did catch J for the first time in a long while, which was great. It was good to hear that parts of your life have gotten eaiser, and that you were able to take the time to help make that happen. I also appreciate you sharing some of your work, and just to have you share in general. It helps me feel like I’m a real human. I hope I can help you feel less guilty about getting what you want and need.

I poked at V and BNR for a while. You seem to be on an uptrend V, and least on the scale of weeks, which is heartening to see. I hope it feels that way to you too. I know you still feel like you can’t get all the things done that you want to do, but I think you’re doing great. And that you’re allowed help with the parts that feel hard.

M is having a hard time again. Still. All new bits of isolation to pile on top of the rest. And the accumulated pressure of weeks of never stopping, suddenly trying to leak out as soon as your focus shifts. I continue to feel pretty limited by my ability to help, but I hope I can give you some options to feel less alone. Because you aren’t alone; even from afar we love you.

Ben needs a new phone. Which I want to get for him. But it’s hard for us to interact on points like this. He can’t quite ask for things even when he wants them, sometimes even when they’re on offer. Which I understand – he’s trying to need less. But it triggers my narc sensors, so it feels to me like he’s refusing to make choices. And that makes me want to flee to protect myself. Plus money seems complicated right now. But I had no problem getting phones for anyone else, and I can finance it at no up front cost. If I keep at this my phone bill is going to be bigger than my rent, but that’s a problem for future me.

Shanda is still pretty sure that all of her mixed feelings start when I do something that requires her to have an opinion about her own life. That me asking what is wants is somehow the thing keeping her from getting it. That talking about her big feelings is impossible and that distraction until things are better ²You’re unclear on what this might look like, but you’re confident that it 1) can’t happen for at least several days 2) is definitely an external event and not a change in your state of mind 3) that only people who are unavailable can help you get there. is the only option. I respectfully disagree, of course, and at times you can see why. But at other times it’s just you feeling stuck and keeping me on the outside of it. It’s inching better, but on some topics the delay between “am triggered” and “ready to talk about the avoidance” is days long, and that’s hard on me. Better than forever long but less good than we had been doing. There are lots of reasons for this, circumstances that make it harder for both of us, but still it’s something I need your help with. That I can’t improve without you, no matter how hard you ignore it or how sure you feel that “it” is my fault.

I think I get most of Saturday off. I’m skipping robots because I need the down time, and Shanda will be home until supper time. Maybe we can make some progress on the rodent ramp. And on ourselves. I should poke Cowboy again, now that you’ve had a couple of days to recover from my last attack. And I should poke CookieZ every few days until they start leaking actual information and not just the pleasant but empty interface goo that sits on top of genuine motivations. Plus there’s a call with DerbyK we never achieved. And it’s been months since I made K’Tuck answer a question. Maybe the next step of all that should be in Saturday’s list.

I’ve got a stack of things that need to be done, that I can’t do without help, and that the people I need help from are avoiding. This puts me in a position of either eating my anxiety indefinitely while bearing the consequences of not acting, or pushing people up against the things they’re trying so hard to not think about. Both of which leave me isolated – I can stand alone with a thing I can’t control on my own or I can trigger you as I break your avoidance. I wish I knew how to do something else. That you could help me – help yourself – without first being triggered. But I don’t know any way around it. I can help you when it happens, if you let me. I can work with you to make the trigger smaller and less distressing. But I can’t magically skip past the feelings you’ve been bundling up into distraction and tension and avoidance.

“You created an impossible game with a single character who has to solve everything entirely on her own.” – Russian Doll S01E06. It’s worth watching. When I’m at my best I imagine that I might Dr. Who. That I might be able to help people by showing up and not caring about power structures and being curious about things and concerned with all the people I meet. Also that I’m dangerous in the same way – that no one should stick around because my life is unstable. That I want it to be unstable until and unless the world becomes a less dangerous place and suffering decrease. And that all my companions leave after a couple of seasons and I go someplace new by myself and pretend the past isn’t killing me.

It’s easy to see Nadia from Russian Doll in the same light. Unable to take care of herself, unwilling to have attachments to anyone for fear of hurting them, but also unwilling to put up with people being hurt around her, and unshakable because nothing hurts as bad as she already feels. She’s more the Arizona Trash Person version than the sad English boy, but it’s the same idea she’s just more likely to die outside with the invisible homeless dude. She’s not one step from destroying the universe with her rage because she’s not a Lord and doesn’t imagine the world as hers. But she is one step away from giving up her already tenuous attachment to society and huffing painting behind the hardware store with the closest thing she has to a friend. Also Nadia, homeless dude, the Doctor and I are all in agreement on when it’s a good idea to take off your overcoat – never. But it’s nice to imagine that even people like us can be useful to others. That sometimes I can point my crazy in the right direction to help people who think they are too far gone.

ZiB

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Sent from a phone.