Hump Day Lump Day
I have been medium anxious today, with no obvious cause. Work was as good as I expected, and didn’t require me to do anything much before 2 PM. I pointed some anxiety at it before I went just because it was the day’s next event, but as predicted the parts I did in the office went well. I feel like I got all the things done that I wanted done before leaving. I’ve even got a plan I’m happy with for what I’m doing when I get back Thursday.
And the gym went well, other than me forgetting to turn on the sauna when I arrived. But I felt fine the whole time I was there – no dizziness either – and did lots of muscle things. Maxed out a couple of leg machines to boost my ego. Chatted with E for a few minutes. It was even decent weather while I waited for the bus home.
So full success for out-of-the-house activities. And as expected none of them developed into a significant cause of the vague anxiety I was feeling, neither in anticipation nor in execution. Maybe it’s just the background noise of my damaged brain on a day when the gain is too high and the squelch is useless because of all my ongoing stressors.
I’ve spent a lot of time the past few days, inventing new ways to worry about other people. Which is a mostly positive experience – I’m good at worry and it lets me do good things. There’s some short-term stress, related to new attempts to find the right words, to be engaged against silence, to risk my speculation against the possibility it is poorly received. Plus all my usual concerns about the way society will punish me for trying to be a good human.
But it’s still a thing I like doing. It’s how I got many of your here to start with, and I still have faith that eventually I’ll teach you to speak. At least to each other if not to me. I’ve reached out to most people on my list. I should still poke A tomorrow, as I’ve already let that go too long. And I want to do the rest of the first round of Eggsy research so I can get them off my worry list. But I got through all the other bits I had queued up and I’m pretty happy with it so far. Or at least as happy as I can be until I convince myself that all is well even without any feedback.
I’m a little worried about the things on my to-do list – or at least my anxiety list – that are on other people’s avoidance lists. I try not to put anything on my list that isn’t important to me, but I still always feel like I should learn to do without, so I don’t have to pressure anyone into dealing with me. My anxiety is pretty sure that I’m asking for too much, too fast, and I should at least learn to wait if not to stop wanting the thing entirely. But my smart brain knows I genuinely need some of these things – or you do – and so I shouldn’t just let them go. And other parts of the list scare you but are things I’m pretty sure you want – sure enough that I at least want you to say no instead of just being silent.
I wish there was a way I could help you feel better about these things without making you feel pushed, but after almost 4 decades I still have never seen it done. Your feels tell you that thinking about it is the problem, and so if I do anything to make you think about it it feels like pressure. My currently plan is to try to build a procedure that lets you recover from feeling pushed, but that’s slow going, and often itself an item on the list. Incremental improvement can be hard to stand when you’re still underwater. But I’ve been holding my breath a long time so I can probably make it a little longer. I wish you didn’t have to though. It’s hard enough to do myself, let alone to see happening to you.
I am slightly worried about money. And taxes aren’t helping. Hired someone to do them this year but that’s a project I needed Shanda’s help with and was unable to get it until just a couple of weeks ago, so they’re not done yet. The way I get paid means I always owe several grand, and I have what should be enough money saved for it, but I’m having a little trouble waiting for it to be finalized. And that just layers on top of the way I haven’t quite figured out how to stop living on credit/retirement funds in life’s current configuration. I’m still rich enough that I feel guilty talking about it – I’m not going to be homeless or anything – but I’d feel safer with a more sustainable plan than I currently have.
Dog was at alert level 23 tonight. Full-on barking right at me when I came down with supper. I had his attention but nothing seemed to calm him. Usually barking goes with obvious distress (pain) or obsession (doorbell), but today he was super twitchy and loud even while sitting on my lap, being touched, staring at my food, having just been out, having just eaten. Eventually me putting my plate away seemed to help, at least along with all the other interventions, but it was rough going for a while. It’s possible he was responding to me but I’m not sure how what – he typically can’t see through my sunglasses, and I felt firmly in control my super time.
I think we’re still on track for a lumpy drug day tomorrow. Hopefully Dog is on board for that too – he and I both need a day off of intense barking. Shanda is in some pain tonight and distracted by that, but there’s a good chance that’s temporary. And she’s got a massage scheduled for the morning which should help both mood and body. I’m doing pretty good today – like 4/7 physically, and notably better than yesterday. So I’m looking forward to performance-enhanced feels and take-out lunch and Life is Strange: The Prequel: Non-Union Performers. Maybe even some high intensity activities to break up the lumping and keep us full of endorphins while our brains burn through them at an accelerated rate. And I should remember to draft some Screed before late, so I don’t miss a day to lazy scheduling and a Shanda that stays up past 10.
The rodent ramp was delivered today [fig 1]. I sent it with some slightly different box art [fig 2-5] along with one in the traditional style but colored with my new markers [fig 6]. I hope it packaged the care and safety I intended. I’m sure E is anxious about their bit as well, though being one step removed from that I’m pretty confident the contraption and its feeling were both well received.
ZiB
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Sent from a phone.
