Double Down

I’m not great. Pretty sad, even by my standards.

The day job definitely doesn’t help. It leaves a lot less space for existing, on top of its own demands.

I’ve made changes to my life to stop me from going downstairs after my cognitive survival surrenders control for the day. It worked. I stayed here and slept much earlier.

But it’s not the plan. I need that time – without it I have trouble eating ¹Before even attempting this I made special provisions to have food upstairs, but it still felt like a pretty big barrier to eating well and trouble staying out of cognitive hopelessness, among other things.

I also don’t get to write, because somehow Writer also needs this space, seperate from daytime me. This space where the tension that keeps PIC animated is temporarily suspended.

It is better for being able to sleep on a particular schedule, which has benefits.

But it is killing me. It leaves PIC in charge of too much of my day and it cuts out pieces I still need from the night. It leaves me exhausted even though my sleep schedule improves. It leaves me depressed and without space for art. I want to be PIC less often in general, and specifically I don’t want to be PIC at the day job ²I never did want to be PIC and mostly wasn’t, but I got stuck with them last year when I fully stopped trying to run a separate identity for the day job.

So the plan has to leave space for me to be up late many nights. I should try not to waste them, because they’re not free, but I should use them.
I should try to find whatever tool Person with Job used to relieve PIC of responsibility for work. I want to be able to work during the day, absent PIC’s supervision. I don’t want to let work into that late night space. I want to be able to choose the space it consumes.

ZiB

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Sent from a phone.

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