Don’t Get Caught

It’s very hard for me to believe that I can have joy because people are very often sad when I tell happy stories. Not without cause. The parts of my past I remember most fondly are often just moderate relief from something that was worse. That can be very hard for people to hear. Whatever the cause it’s pretty isolating to know that other people can’t share joy with me, because knowing about my existence makes them sad.

My current story is less sad than my past, so if I stick to it people do better. This is one of the reasons fleeing seems so attractive. People like me more when things are new and they don’t yet know past me. If I leave before too long they never have to know. It’s not perfect, but it can give me a glimpse of being human.

Talked to @Yana today for a while. About economic policy and logistics and makeup and lathes. Sent pictures even, like real humans. Sent a cape back to Alex for modifications. Frightened J by asking about art. They feel like they need to know the answer, but I don’t want answers from them. I am only looking for better questions. Talked to Shanda about the concept of schedule, the life of a dog, and the possibility of comfort. Talked at DerbyK but didn’t connect. Didn’t get a call ¹I’m pretty sure you like it when it happens – at least that’s what you say out loud – even though your brain often tries to keep it from going. Mixed feels are tricky.. I suspect there was not spontaneous relief even after the focus was past, which might make calls hard.

Watch Mr. Robot 405 today. I knew in the first shot it was about the isolation of Christmas, just from the Ode to Joy on contrabass, in reference to Die Hard. Die Hard is a Christmas movie because Christmas is the way everyone ends up so isolated. Things are closed, people are home, the world is frozen, and the only people in the world are outcasts. It’s the perfect time for a heist. Mr. Robot also has a heist planned, to steal rich people money from an office building while the guard literally watches Die Hard.

It runs that heist wordlessly for most of the episode, with only a handful of silly spy moments. But we never get to look ahead the whole time; we’re always catching up. We don’t see the heist planning followed by a “here’s what actually happened” action sequence. Instead it’s all panic as minor setbacks and bad luck accumulate Ina plan we only know in vague terms. But we know you can’t avoid being detected you simply have to be prepared to escape after you’re done. You can’t possibly win with the heist, not in the long term, but you need it to work for the next 9 hours. So you put everything into it and just keep fighting even when you’ve got no chance. As the fight becomes more and more desperate the camera work pushes our PoV further and further behind the protagonist, until he’s literally running off the bottom edge of the screen in our overhead shot. Until he’s at a cliff we can’t see over and decides to jump. Not to safety but toward a chance at survival.

It’s a particularly good episode for lots of reasons. The careful themes about isolation and grief across all the stories. The silent heist. The deliberate lack of perspective. The survival flight. The take on Die Hard, heist films, and holiday in storytelling. Do watch. You could even take this one out of sequence as a stand-alone film that I’d compare to Drive or Crank.

I think in the past people were mean to you if they could see you were having a hard time. Instead I’d helping they saw your stress as a reason to attack, or at least a weakness to exploit. They saw you not knowing the answer and made fun of you instead of helping. Now it’s terrifying for anyone to notice your feels, to see you in any configuration that might reveal your stress or anger or confusion or anxiety. Even when we’re on the same side. I feel like we’re always on the same side, even when I’m not sure where that is. I’m sorry that sometimes you don’t feel that support. And I’m sorry you’re reminded of times when it wasn’t safe to be you.

Therapy happened. But I don’t have a story for it yet. Work happened and I’m almost done for the week, though I could never get queue coverage for Friday. D&D tomorrow with the whole crew. And the robots on Friday. Should be able to get there at a more reasonable time this week.

ZiB

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Sent from a phone.

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