Democracy Vouchers

Here’s a reassurance I gave to Shanda last night after she read The Screed, that she though might benefit others: You and I both separately want there to be fewer times when you feel overwhelmed. It’s not a harm we enact on each other, it’s our individual trauma haunting us both at the same time. But it’s a thing we both want to improve and can do together.

It’s Dave’s birthday today. Merry birthday. I got you nothing. You could have a care package if I had any idea what color safety would help you. But I don’t. Tell me about the colors that aren’t working because I’ve tried a bunch and as far as I can tell none of them had any impact.

“Hitler is just a convenient shorthand” — Future Man S02E13

“Eat like a human” is a shorthand I use but should probably define more precisely. Typically I mean this to be about the frequency of my food consumption; on days when I fail to eat like a human I eat 0-1 times. Occasionally I mean “all I ate today was half a jar of frosting”, but usually I mean I failed to achieve 2 meals of any kind.

We got our “Democracy Vouchers” today [fig 1]. I am 100% for public financing of elections (to the extent that I support elections at all) and I think the Seattle system has lots of good points. But the name is terrible. It’s the rain check¹Not valid on weekends or holidays. With purchase of equal or greater value. you get because Democracy is closed today.

DerbyK keeps telling me I’m a good person. It’s clearly some sort of reassurance you see me asking for or needing, but I never quite understand it. I know that some of the things I do help people; I try hard to make that happen. But I feel like that’s not what you mean. I can see this time how it related to The Screed, I think, because I talked about my fear that I wasn’t good enough for Dog (let alone people). But I’m not sure how being a good person relates to that. And other times I can’t even figure out what motivates the comment. It feels sort of like greeting cards or favorite colors – I can tell I don’t understand correctly but I don’t know how to change that. So I’m asking everyone I know. Which probably won’t work but is worth trying.

E wrote me. You call me honest, which makes feel like Eleanor Shellstrop: “It’s like I became such a good person I almost forgot I’m a world-class liar, baby.” You’re not wrong, in the way they you mean I’m open and introspective, but I also run some pretty serious misinformation campaigns. There’s a whole list of people I actively lie to at all times, and I passively lie to their 1st and sometimes 2nd degree of connection to help sell it. Ask Shanda about the amount of careful hiding I demand when Mother shows up: in object, in deed, and in speech.

I am trying to like that you judge me by normal people standards²This sounds somewhat derogatory to “normal people” but I just mean people whose experience with societal structures is less traumatic than mine.. I hate the way people talk about “strength” or some other supposed virture as a thing they “admire” in you in a “I’m glad you did it so I don’t have to”, as opposed to a thing they want to do themselves. But you were careful to avoid adding new isolation to your take, while acknowledging the space that already existed. It’s a thing you should teach other people. Every veteran who is Thanked for their Service will appreciate that distinction, not to mention people like me.

Planned very little work today and accomplished my goal. I try to not do much on most Fridays, both so I have some buffer to catch up if needed, and to make it eaiser to get to robots before too late. I feel okay about how Fridays go most of the time – I will have to think about why that’s different from other days and if I can duplicate that difference.

Next week I’m only working Tuesday and Friday; Monday is a holiday and I’ve long planned Wednesday and Thursday off for Shanda’s birthday and general monthly time off. No robots next week, which is always a little sad, but hopefully Shanda and I can line up a day or two together to make up for it.

Robots was mostly just chatting today. We watched some videos about PID and talked about CAD but didn’t do any work. Which was fine. Talked to E about home improvement projects and the incrementalism of lifting. Saw V but didn’t get to chat today³But we did get to chat for a minute while I was riding to robots, which I liked.. I spotted J too but they disappeared before the videos were done.

I let S work themselves back up to talking at their own pace, after watching other people interact with me for a while. It helps them build confidence and be less anxious. Also makes him more socially interested in the team overall, which is a place where he better appreciates my different perspective.

Did some of my fingernails tonight, the ones I had lost at least, mostly in the same colors. I’m going to add a second layer to all of them tomorrow to disguise their diverse ages, though I haven’t decided what exactly I’m doing yet. I am also.trying to get used to moderately longer fingernails, which is easier when I leave old paint on. I don’t want long nails necessarily but I do want to be able to handle more than, zero length. At the very least I’d like to feel more comfortable with a week’s worth of growth so I’m not tempted to trim perfectly good colors.

I finally read some more of Your Rainforest Mind (Paula Prober). Its big on acceptance. It gets a little woo-woo following that goal sometimes, but it’s also not recommending too much specific action so it’s probably fine. It makes me worry I’m playing into a narcissistic cold read, but I do like the discussion of the interplay of the set of conditions the book describes as Rainforest Mind. I’m pretty resistant to labels and even I feel like it wants to include me; which is good for a book about acceptance. I should probably read the other 60% before I get too committed to any opinion about it.

ZiB

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Sent from a phone.

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