Cool as a Cantaloupe

There was no D&D today – C is out of town and Shanda had to help B in the middle of the afternoon – but our GM came over anyway. They recently got a job, which is good, and gives them something to talk about. Along with an inch of sympathy for the plight of the working human. And they came today with a cell phone in a giant pouch strapped to their forearm. It looks like a god dammed wrist brace. But they’re real afraid of cell phones and this makes it feel better for them (or at least that’s what they’d say). I made the. consider Eastshade ¹in that I was playing when they arrived and didn’t immediately stop, a game with art instead of murder and time instead of money. And I almost talked them into trying on the VR headset, but they eventually constructed an excuse to avoid having a new safe experience.

After Shanda was back we watched @NW “The West” ²https://youtu.be/hyaftqCORT4. Which was full of good thinks and particularly funny corndog jokes. But it was very hard for GM, as you might predict based on my previous descriptions of them. I knew it would be a little tough just because @NW likes to include bits like this [fig 1]. But also because they are the sort of person who does feel attacked by the messenger when someone points out how Nazis are using their favorite power structures ³Specifically he imagines himself an expert in history. Which they have legit studied, though they have not considered it with the right perspective to notice it’s full of oppression and is still happening today. They imagine that it all works out, that the bad parts “balance” the system somehow. They do the same thing in their game … Continue reading. They left the house asking for reassurance about being a bad ⁴I of course told them that I didn’t think they were a bad person. I don’t think there are bad people. I mean, I’m bad, but I’m not really a person. Actual people do hurtful things, but not because they are bad. GM should worry about how they’re hurting people though. Among other things it would make them a better GM. person. So maybe it helped, because wondering if you’re the baddie is an appropriate response.

I want to nerd out with you more. That’s often explicitly what I’m trying to do here, when I talk about a piece of media, for example. I’m not offering a review as part of a sales pitch, or to show you how smart I am, or to teach you some lesson, I’m hoping you’ll talk to me about art ⁵I always want to talk about art. It’s sometimes a problem for me in contexts where quiet is expected. It’s one of the reasons I prefer films as home. It’s why it’s so hard for me when we go to a museum and you don’t want to pay attention to me while we’re there – not only do I feel abandoned, but I don’t get to do the museum in the … Continue reading. I’m hoping we can nerd our about it in some way. You won’t always be excited about it in the same way I am, but that’s not a requirement. The part I want to do is being excited about it together. And I’m willing to try lots of options to make that go. You can just assign me things to pay attention to – like if you mentioned a set of 18th century narrative engravings – and I’ll do research and try to find interting things to say about it.

One of the ways I want to nerd out is about your life. I have a carefully trained skill for figuring out how people feel without their intentional input. When I was young I used it to try to control Mother, to get what I needed and to manage the suffering that was required of me. It’s how I came up with The Rules – a byzantine set of relational data about how she would react to almost anything. It’s terrible that I had to use this skill for survival purposes, but it’s a good skill, and I want to do something better with it.

I want to know enough about your life that I can guess how you’ll feel. Not to protect myself but to know you. To be able to help when you aren’t sure yet how you feel, or can’t find the words. To be able to empathize even when I don’t have much information. To make you feel heard and understood even when you are having trouble speaking. To be able to guess when you need help and how to provide it.

I know that some of you appreciate the way I can guess how you feel and describe it to you. About how I can tell a story about your feelings based on one tiny thing you said or did. You like that specific sort of attention, at least sometimes. So do it with me. Give me the details that are bouncing around in your head so I can tell a story you like better. I can tell you parables that are just for you – that will help you know and change your feelings – if you help me. Nerd out with me about the process of telling your own story. And in doing so you’ll help me with mine.

Talked with DerbyK today. You caught up on some of my feels and had things to say. Which is exactly how I always hope it will work ⁶If I imagined this as art would it be easier to talk about? I’ve tried that plan with face colors and I think it did help – helped people interact with me about it in a way closer to what I wanted. In a way that didn’t assume my interest was merely in beauty or my fears were about social reaction. Helped interact with it in the context of … Continue reading. You wanted me to know I’m normal, but my brain has airtight defenses against that sort of accusation. It’s convinced that I’m the baddie, in some way I can’t control or even predict, and that I was treated as subhuman because it was true. I know I’m not human because I did without being human more than a few times. And because I never learned how to do a bunch of important human things, like reacting to my environment or expressing my needs.

But you listened to me, and thought about how I felt, and that was real good. Then I ranted about how you’re not cool and don’t want to be, and about how I fear for the young people in your life. So nice, easy topics that I handled with all the subtlety of someone bashing a phone keyboard in the early morning.

M has been doing an excellent job at a thing I know is hard for you ⁷You are frequently doing an excellent job at a number of things I know are hard for you, all at the same time. Which is impressive but also sounds exhausting. I’m stoked that you are willing to try my thing though.. I’m really happy that you’ve been able to try it. It had made a big difference for me in just in a few days. I finally fell like we’re far enough from the edge that I don’t risk losing everything with a single misstep. And I feel like I’ve got access to some of your insight again, which is very valuable to me. Keep it up, when you can. I promise I’ll try to make to worth your effort. And will work to make it feel easier.

Haven’t heard much from V. I hope things are going okay. You’ve been pretty close to the edge yourself so I get worried quickly when you’re quiet. I suggested future social and activity plans, which I hope might be part of a positive view of some point in your future. Which I hope doesn’t feel like pressure. I’m excited to have you along when I do mine, even if you aren’t up for doing yours right away.

I still haven’t followed up with @BPS about memory and story and supplementarity, but it’s still on my list ⁸I had an intentionally low productivity weekend. I needed some recovery and I feel like I was able to correctly do some.. I was excited to day that we both had new wig pictures this week and got to share with each other. And it was good to see them have costume feels about theirs, since that’s one of the ways I am worried about mine. I think they’re right that it would feel easier if I imagined I was in firmer control of what it said. I bought a blue wig to help with that very thing but there are other bits I could do too.

Work will have too much of the research SR this week. But I think that will continue to wind down. I’ve got a couple other normal SRs but nothing I’m worried about. I’m off the queue finally, and for 2 consecutive weeks, which is a relief. I think I’ve also got a release process. And I’d really love to get 2 hours work done on my new research tool, but as always that’s lower priority than everything else, so it may not go if I don’t burn down all my SRs quickly.

ZiB

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Sent from a phone.

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