Competitive Religion

M had a hard time last night, with things that are not your fault and you don’t deserve but had to deal with anyway. Had to do without the support you are entitled to. It makes me sad and frustrated. It has all the parts to feel like the same old abandonment that has hurt you so badly before, and that’s not fair either. Know that you’re not isolated, even though you had to be alone while it was happening.

E recognized me the other day when we were together. I told them it gave me the feels. Which I know was the point. I just wanted to clarify that iftne when I’m recognized it’s trivial for me to shoulder it off as insincere or as a misunderstanding of what things I find hard, or just as something that doesn’t apply to me. But you help me feel like it’s actually for me, and so it gives me feels that I sometimes can’t get. Helps me believe I’m actually human. So thanks.

I found a way outrun Dog, which gives us access to a fun new game. On the wood floor, when he’s running, he doesn’t have enough traction to make tight turns. So if I run around the outside wall of the kitchen he can case me sort of indefinitely without me having to spirnt, just because my feet aren’t covered in fur. It’s cute and he likes it a lot. And it ends with him finally sliding and falling enough that be gets turned around and chases in the other direction to finally catch me. It’s nothing complicated but like You Wanna Sniff It it’s a game we can both win and that’s easy to play.

I was thinking about “competition” and the ways I want less of it in my life. The ways I need to help others see how they can have the parts the like from “competition” without the parts that are so harmful. There are obvious parts, like relating competition to diversity, since those two concepts are closely related – diversity is often the main thing people want from competition. But there are more subtle bits as well. I want to teach S how they can run robot projects in a way that provides diversity and variation without promoting or requiring competition. I suppose I should start with some sort of itinerary (or maybe meeting agenda), since that’s their prefered method of communication, particularly when under stress. And I should do it ahead of time and non-interactively to start, so they don’t feel pressured by the perceived need to understand or reply immediately.

I decide to go all-in with CookieZ because that will help minimize my anxiety about it. I’m not 100% sure it will work but it’s the easiest thing to do other than ignore it completely. If I’m lucky it will do something I like. And if it scares them off its no different than my life was a week ago. Plus I might get a set of mobile munchies as part of this plan, even if it falls apart later.

Had a good day with Shanda. Still medium stress but we were mostly able to talk about it. She was out until after noon but I had her full attention by 5 and most of it by 2, so we actually got some time together. Between those time I installed a new CO detector and she cooked our old sweet rice casserole, for the first time in years. Maybe since we moved to Seattle. And that was good too. Bacon.

I’m a bit anxious about air travel tomorrow. Only like 3 hours on the plane and no connections and no time zones, all of which are good. If my flight is delayed more than a few hours I just won’t go because it will be too late. And I’m only staying a day so I don’t need a bag. But still, heightened aviation security and people leaking emotions at me and trying to hold my bulk inside the volume of a coach seat for hours. Two days in a row, with only conference meetings in between. I’ll live but I’ve had better weeks; here’s hoping I can float through the travel without getting any on me.

Talked to Shanda about how religion feels are still real hard for her – a source of fear and anxiety that reminds her of the isolation that religion imposed on her in the past. She freed herself from the ongoing parts of that when she was still in school, but the past parts still hurt. Still feel so lonely. We’ll have to add those feels to the toothpaste list, and let them out under more controlled conditions.

ZiB

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Sent from a phone.