Colonialism and the Dream Assassin Priest

On the queue this week, but mostly dealing with panic about long since complete publications. For some reason the utter lack of urgency doesn’t make people be calm, but I guess that’s how I keep. This job – my ability to pretend like a plan will save us from our own fear. Work was okay otherwise. Got to use my new tools to do a release checklist, which saved a ton of time and looks fancy. I need to get them to output something I can copy-paste though, so I don’t have to fight so much with SharePoint.

Off to robots. Late because I needed to get day job done to have a good tomorrow. Late because I need my day job to be light this week to have time for Shanda’s holiday plans and feels this week. Late because I don’t want to carry to much of my own stress into those events, and so I need to not be rushed. I sometimes wish I could do better for robots. Show up reliably at 3:45 and not flake out just because the day job demands are high. Not run across the country in the middle of a season, or spending two weeks home sick. But that’s not my life. The things I do require me to be reactive – if they all had to fit in a routine I could not get them done. Still, I’d like to arrange a life where the chance of logistics pushing into robots is smaller.

Got a seat on the bus headed up to 132nd. It’s always better when I get to sit; I boarded south of the office to give myself a chance. For one thing I get to write when I have a seat. And I don’t have to fight my inertia for dozens of blocks, which can be a lot of work since I have lots of inertia. I considered a car because I was late but I’m trying to limit myself to one expensive robot trip per week; I already cheated and took a (much cheaper) car to the office, so robots will have to wait.

There are lots of gift things in my house, and a couple of projects to turn some them into more complicated things. Which I’m pretty happy about. It’s what I’d like to be working this week, instead of a holiday gathering. It’s stuff we can (mostly) talk about, and that you’re (mostly) excited instead of worried about. I’m concerned about a life where we can’t discuss even which days we have off and our focus is on other people. You’re already so full of holiday feels ¹You’ve got gift feels on like 4 different fronts – creating and finding gifts, disappointment in yourself and from others, your sense of loss from gift times past, your all-or-nothing understanding of what makes them good. That’s all pushed up against various family of origin feels, the shitty way you were treated about gifts in … Continue reading even if you weren’t hosting a thing, and most of them aren’t even about this holiday ²On top of all the holidays feels we’ve already been doing you’ve slap some party with people you aren’t super close to, that you planned in secret and alone (when you could plan at all), a party that’s clearly for a holiday but not claiming it, with fantasies about effortless hosting and my detached but important participation, with an … Continue reading. I’m concerned that you won’t like how it goes and it will all be my fault. Or that you’ll abandon me before it even starts and not come back until days after it’s done.

Wrote to @Vi again, this time about dreamblood. Like everyone else she never writes back, and it is often weeks between opportunities to see her and guess about any new information. Which is sort of my style, even if I find it frustrating. It has been useful to imagine her as a focus when I imagine art heists, even non-interactively, but I sort of hope I see a reaction leak out eventually. It would help if we actually all showed up to routine meetings.

Morning meeting tomorrow, then lots of grocery shopping. Hopefully time for a couple of SRs before the end of the day, so I don’t have to spend too much time working on Wednesday. But we’ll see. There’s a lot to do for day job and otherwise.

I’m not sure yet what this week’s therapy topic is. I’ll find some time for that research tomorrow, ideally before too late so I’ll have time to setup pre-reading. That bit went well last week and I want to repeat it pretty explicitly a few times to make it feel like habit. There’s a story I keep calling economic abuse, but it probably needs another framing to become a topic (or even a good story) because I don’t have the feel that brings it together. My therapist needs a story about the way survival dependence erodes the safety of fleeing, without the closeness or societal support that would let us go together. But that is definitely more than today’s topic. Maybe there’s some groundwork for that I can lay in realm of preparation for independence.

ZiB

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Sent from a phone.

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